


A Jar of Hearts

by pulsefire



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bets, Choi Beomgyu-Centric, Denial of Feelings, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Slow Burn, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, developing feelings, side yeonbin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:20:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 75,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24356467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pulsefire/pseuds/pulsefire
Summary: A world where you’re born with five luminous hearts on the inside of your wrist. When you get your heart broken in any way, one of the hearts loses their colour and fades. Once all five have dimmed, it’s said that you can never fall in love again.Enter Choi Beomgyu; a music major with only one heart left, barely hanging on a thin thread. He pledged to himself that he wouldn’t find love again to save him from the curse.That changes the day Kang Taehyun joins the picture with five complete hearts, taunting Beomgyu. Out of spite, Beomgyu bets with his friend that he can break at least one of Taehyun’s hearts. What’s one heart less?What he didn’t expect was to possibly fall in love in the process, leading to his demise.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun, Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 602
Kudos: 1289





	1. Beauteous

Beomgyu will never fall in love.

It was a secluded promise to himself, one he held dearly. One he _swore_ by. He found himself straying far from any possible romantic interests in fear that his idea would be disregarded.

He didn’t have a fixed reason, though. It’s not that his parent had cut ties — they’re fine, really — and he hasn’t gone through a traumatic occurrence either.

He has just gotten his heart broken one too many times. In a world like this, that could cost you more than just a few weeks of profound heartache. 

Beomgyu couldn’t perceive how some people could be so greedy and selfish, boasting their five full, gleaming hearts as they broke his dejected, limited ones.

He, too, once had a full set, only for it to be corrupted so early on. His first love was deemed for failure. It was around the start of high school when he first fell in love with a girl a grade above his. She was stunning. He knew she would grow up with well-developed features that would have people drooling.

When he confessed, he was ecstatic when she claimed she felt the same. He cherished her and thought they’d grow up as high school sweethearts— It was only appropriate since it was his first time being in love.

Of course, things like that don’t last. She deserted him for another boy— a senior at that.

That was when his first heart had dimmed.

It didn’t hurt physically. It never does. The day she left him, he spent the day sulking in his room, even crying a few times. What had he done wrong? Why did his chest ache at the thought of unwillingly messing up? Around one in the morning, he noticed the light leave the first of his hearts, gradually losing its raw glow. By the next day, the first heart had completely eclipsed amongst his collection.

No matter, though. It was only one _one_ heart. He had four more and he was not going to stop there.

He got over it quicker than he wanted, desperate to redeem himself. His second love was only a year after his first. Another girl, only this time in his grade. He was _positive_ about this one. Being the hopeless romantic he was, he felt devoted to her. She had five full hearts. They were content together, it was the perfect combination. He met her parents countless times and was happy with what they had.

Until a year into their relationship, she told him she had to move away. She told him she couldn’t bear long-distance relationships, leaving him with nothing but a distant memory.

His second heart had dimmed to an ash grey that night.

When he went to visit her one last time at the airport, he easily noticed that she still had all five hearts. She wasn’t heartbroken like he was. She never loved him as he did her.

Three left. Still okay. He’s still hanging on.

Around his senior year of high school, he decided he would experiment a little and explore his sexuality. Luckily for him, a lively boy caught his eye and Beomgyu found himself involved, yet again. He tried not to fall for the boy, noticing how much he was at risk if the boy hurt him.

The boy had five hearts, giving him unwanted memories. He kept falling for the ones with too many hearts to spare. He felt anxious about his own, usually covering his three remaining hearts.

Beomgyu kept the feeling to himself, afraid of truly coming out. He and the boy hung out and became insanely close, emphasising his feelings. 

Eventually, after a few months of pining, he confessed.

As anticipated, he got rejected. The boy wasn’t interested. He lost a friend that day, too.

Beomgyu wasn’t sure why the rejection hurt more than it should have, resulting in yet another heart following the same depressing state as the first two. He noticed how with every faded heart, the pain of losing someone was much more than the one before it. As if, the lack of hearts was giving him a warning, telling him to _step up_ and _stop getting his heartbroken._ The ache in his chest was intensifying with every person.

He only had two left. He resolved he would be cautious with who he involved himself with. His parents warned him, too. 

Once he got into college, his freshman year was a breeze. He met a boy a year over him; Choi Soobin, with three hearts. They stuck together but he felt no feelings grew. Beomgyu solely enjoyed his company. The boy was bright and genuinely likable to be around. It was easy to distract Beomgyu from falling in love when he had Soobin. He let out a breath of relief at that one.

Except, he held it back in once he found himself wrapped around another boy's finger. He was two years older and, honestly, that should’ve been his first flag, yet he was naïve. Surprisingly, this boy confessed to Beomgyu first, very early on too. Confused, he still went along with it. Win-win situation.

This boy was different, though. He made grand, public romantic gestures and spoiled Beomgyu.

He had five bright hearts, too, which was extremely unusual. It was unknown for people over the age of eighteen to have a full row of hearts. Usually, it’d be the assholes who didn’t care about anyone. They’re the ones who had all their hearts. You’re supposed to avoid people like that.

That _should have_ been Beomgyu’s cue to leave.

Still, he stayed. He stayed because he was too ignorant to notice the abnormality of their relationship. He stayed because he was falling in love way too fast. He stayed because, even though his last experience should’ve shown him the truth about love, he found himself yearning for it. For the feeling of being wanted the way he wanted to love someone. The way he wanted to give someone his all.

That was why this one hurt the most. He’d fallen deep even though he didn’t want to. He was scared of how the bond would develop since he didn’t have much hearts to spare. He should’ve left. 

Alas, he didn’t, leading to his inevitable demise. Beomgyu caught the senior cheating on him with a freshman, a scam that was going on for three months during their relationship. That was the worst hurt he’d ever felt.

The heart on his wrist didn’t even fade gradually like it was supposed to. It was as if someone flipped a switch and, suddenly, the heart was dark. Beomgyu was left with only one heart left, glowing brightly admits the row of ashen black ones.

When you lose your last heart, you can’t fall in love again. You’re _stuck_. You lose feelings for your last love almost instantly and you’re left wrung and _empty_. It doesn’t stop at romantic love. You lose the devotion and adoration for your friends and family, too. You lose your love for your interests and passions. People, pets, movies, _everything._ For most, it’s a world without love. A world too dull to bear.

Which is why Beomgyu will never fall in love _ever_ again.

He couldn’t risk it. He’d been given four chances and he blew them all, leaving him so close to what he wanted to avoid. He strayed away from any romantic love as if it were a disease, determined to stay clean. He wouldn’t let himself get hurt again. A wall was built in the process.

Two years later, in his junior year of college, he was content with being single and, most importantly, _staying_ single. He was majoring in music, his _passion._ A passion he wouldn’t have anymore if he’d fallen in love again. He had two close friends, Choi Yeonjun, who he met a year ago, and Choi Soobin.

Yeonjun had three hearts and was majoring in dance and performance while Soobin, now with two, in art. Beomgyu also knew Hueningkai, a sophomore who Soobin took under his wing since his freshman year. Hueningkai had four hearts and majored in music, like Beomgyu.

Beomgyu was good. He was set for life. He would graduate and ultimately pursue a career in composing music.

He _was_ good.

Emphasis on _was._

The downfall began when he was spending his lunch hours with Soobin and Hueningkai at a modest cafe on campus. Kai rambled on about his day with enthusiasm as Soobin listened with a small smile, typing on his laptop. Beomgyu relished the company.

It had been fairly uneventful. Everything was going as usual, until Soobin spoke.

“I forgot to tell you,” he began, gaining a swift interest in the conversation, “there’s a new student in my media management class.”

“New?” Beomgyu doubted. “Now? They missed a quarter of the semester, though.”

“You sure they’re new? What if you just didn’t see them before?” Hueningkai piped in, a teasing smile playing on his lips. “Your eyesight must be weakening with age, hyung.”

Soobin gave him a light smack on the back of his head, earning a pained yelp. “He _is_ new. He joined, like, halfway through the lecture and the professor even introduced him,” he explained through a mouth full of baked goods, “his name is Taehyun. He had this really cool, bright red hair. I think he’s a junior, like you, Beom. He’s a bit younger, though.”

“Why are you telling us this?” Beomgyu asked, bored as he took small sips from his drink.

“Because,” Soobin smirked, “he had _all_ his five hearts.”

Beomgyu nearly choked on his drink.

Five hearts at _this_ age? How is that possible? How can you go so long without being broken even _once_?

Beomgyu felt his mood cloud with jealousy. It was a spiteful feeling. One that could claw at you until you give in to its desires. His chest tightened with irritation. He wasn’t the type to get easily infuriated, yet when it came to the topic of those sickening hearts, he was an easy trigger.

_Now_ he was curious.

“All five?” Beomgyu blanked after a brief coughing fit.

“Yeah, all five,” Soobin nodded along, “I’m pretty sure the whole class was surprised too. Everyone was staring.”

Beomgyu hadn’t met a single student with a full row of hearts after his last breakup. He doesn’t trust those kinds of people.

Hueningkai simply stared, eyebrows furrowed, “I don’t get it,” he joined, “what’s so surprising?”

Before Soobin could explain, Beomgyu dove straight into character without hesitance. He spoke from experience, after all. “People with all five hearts are usually assholes, Kai. They’re _remorseless_ and don’t care about anyones feelings but their own— which is _why_ they have five. Don’t involve yourself with them if you want to keep your hearts.”

“What if they just don’t fall in love? Or they’re still dating their first love?” Hueningkai questioned with a look of confusion. Beomgyu felt his mood dip in frustration, dripping into his tone.

“Don’t ask those stupid questions,” Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “just take advice from your hyung.”

Hueningkai scoffed sprightly, “No offense, but your advice sucks, _hyung_.”

“It’s the only advice you’re getting.”

Before Hueningkai could throw an excuse back, Soobin interrupted, clicking his tongue. “Hyuka, it’s almost three, you have a class,” he stopped him. “Save your breath for running instead of arguing with Beomgyu.”

Hueningkai cursed under his breath, hastily gathering his belongings before sparing a short goodbye to the two and sprinting out.

“I swear, sometimes I have to act like his dad,” Soobin told Beomgyu, adverting his attention back to his laptop with a sigh. Beomgyu didn’t reply, his mind was elsewhere. Almost instantaneously, Soobin noticed the difference. Perks of being so close to him. “What’re you thinking about?”

“How much do you bet I can break one of that boys hearts?”

A pause. “ _What?_ ” Soobin’s mouth fell open. “Taehyun? You’re not serious.”

“I am.”

“Are you out of your mind?” Soobin scolded him as if he couldn’t believe what was coming out of his mouth. He lowered his voice and leaned forward, tapping his fingers on the table. “Breaking one of someone’s hearts on _purpose_?”

“Come on, Binnie, what’s one less heart out of five? _Five_! It won’t be that serious. Hueningkai has four and he’s doing fine,” he emphasized on his point.

“That’s kind of an asshole move if you ask me. What if he doesn’t even deserve it?”

Beomgyu gave him a look which screamed _really? Listen to yourself._ “Soobin, we’ve both been played by someone with five hearts. _On purpose._ You know how cocky they are. Even if he doesn’t deserve it, he might not fall for me if he’s kept all his hearts for this long. You could get some money out of this. Fun and games, _that’s it_.”

“And what if _you_ fall in love with him instead?” 

Beomgyu almost laughed at the absurdity of the question.

“That’s out of the picture. I’m not falling in love with anyone. Especially someone with five hearts.” 

Soobin, still adorning his disapproving look, seemed to consider it for a while, pulling his lips into a straight line. “How much?”

“Like, thirty dollars? That’s the best I can do.”

“Fifty. I know it won’t happen,” Soobin bargained, finally giving in.

Beomgyu smirked, feeling his body fill to the brim with excitement, “Looks like I’m about to be fifty dollars richer.”

“Sure,” Soobin rolled his eyes, unaffected by the threats. He was confident in himself. “Time Limit is five months. He seems like a hard to break kind of guy.”

“Five?” Beomgyu scoffed. “Give me two. I can do it in two. Possibly less.”

Soobin raised an eyebrow at him, “Your call,” he shrugged. The boy underestimated him hugely.

Even though Beomgyu hasn’t been in love for a while, he was sure he still had the skills to serenade. He needed someone else to fall in love with him, not the other way around. It would be a simple task. He just had to stop himself from falling in love in the process.

_Taehyun, you don’t know what’s about to hit you._

* * *

After that day, Beomgyu went completely out of his way to find Taehyun and get started as soon as possible.

It wasn’t the money on the line that was driving him. Frankly, he couldn’t care less about it. He wouldn’t admit it, but it was more of a personal mission. Something inside him would finally rest once he sees a heart fade from a row of five for himself. It was _selfish_ and _dangerous_ but that was how the world worked. That was how he worked. It was like payback for what he'd gone through.

He hadn’t been able to spot the head of red hair as Soobin described, already putting him at disadvantage. He kept his eyes open especially when he was visiting Soobin at his building since he shared a class with the five hearted boy. It was tiring trying to chase someone he didn’t know and Soobin refused to help him. Unfair play.

That was until one faithful day when Beomgyu went to meet Soobin at his class, he noticed a red-haired boy out of the corner of his eye.

Bingo.

Beomgyu abruptly halted in his tracks, eyeing the boy with determination. Soobin noticed his sudden interest, bumping into him once he stopped. He followed his line of view and locking eyes with the same target.

“Not now, Gyu,” Soobin whined, letting out a deep sigh as he rubbed his stomach, “I’m hungry.”

“So that _is_ him?” Beomgyu neglected his complaint, watching the boy red-haired plug his earphones in. “Time to shoot my shot.”

Soobin groaned in defeat, sporting a prominent pout, “Beomgyu, please.”

Beomgyu ignored him once again, running his hand through his hair a few times before striding over.

Taehyun was rooted in place, distracted and scrolling through his phone with one earphone in. He was dressed fairly casually; a plain white tee-shirt, jeans, and a dark hoodie.

The sleeves were rolled only slightly, indeed showcasing his five glowing, _mocking_ hearts.

It fuelled Beomgyu’s intentions even more.

“Hey,” Beomgyu started once he found himself in front of the boy, swallowing down the bitterness which threatened to lace his voice.

Taehyun jumped in his place, pulling out his earphone as his face contorted in dismay. He raised an eyebrow, looking at Beomgyu with confusion. “Hello?”

Beomgyu simply flashed a small smile, “You’re new, right? My friend told me you just joined. He’s in your class, actually,” he spoke evenly.

“Uh, yeah,” Taehyun staggered, “and you are?”

“Choi Beomgyu, I’m a junior,” he stuck a hand out for Taehyun to shake, “I worked with the tour committee at the start of the year but since you joined later they aren’t offering tours anymore. However, I’m still available most of the time so I thought I could help you around,” Beomgyu lied fluently, satisfied when Taehyun shook his hand. 

This would be a breeze.

Taehyun seemed to consider it for a second before eventually nodding, “Sure, I guess,” he shrugged, “I’m Taehyun, same year as you.”

“Nice to meet you, Taehyun,” Beomgyu smiled. He swiftly pulled out his phone, handing it to Taehyun who still held the same lost expression. “Oh, can I have your number? We could schedule a time to meet so I can show you around.”

He mumbled a small ‘okay’ and took the phone in his hands, starting to type in his number. Beomgyu watched him tentatively.

Taehyun was pretty. It was the first thing that Beomgyu noticed. The boy was beyond handsome.

In all, he wouldn’t be surprised if Taehyun used it to his advantage and went around using his looks to his advantage. He probably had people swooning over him with a glance their way.

Not Beomgyu. Never again.

Something about the boy didn’t sit right with Beomgyu. He didn’t seem too overconfident or cocky, as he’d expected. He dressed modestly and, well, he was _really_ attractive.

Still, he seemed closed off. His words were curt and his sentences were short, showing little to no interest in their conversation.

“Here,” Taehyun handed the phone back.

His name was inputted as Kang Taehyun. 

“Thanks,” Beomgyu smiled contently, making sure his dimple was prominent. “I’ll text you soon and we can discuss. It was nice meeting you.”

“Likewise…”

Beomgyu gave him one last smile, “I like your hair, by the way,” he complimented before retreating to Soobin. He considered winking but he needed Taehyun to fall in love with him, not think he was a flirty jerk.

To his surprise, Soobin was still waiting for him in the same place, a pout playing at his lips. Beomgyu ran up to him, throwing an arm around his shoulders despite the uncomfortable height difference. Soobin let out a startled sound at the sudden action. He was an easy scare.

“Aish, Beomgyu, don’t do that,” Soobin brushed him off. “You came back quickly.”

“Quality over quantity, hyung,” Beomgyu spoke with confidence. He held his phone up, waving it tauntingly in front of the elder. “I got his number.”

Soobin’s mouth dropped, “What? Already?”

“My charms are unbeatable,” Beomgyu dragged a shell-shocked Soobin along with him, “might as well pay for my meals for the next few days. I’ve already got him wrapped around my finger.”

“I don’t believe that,” Soobin scoffed, collecting himself, “I won’t believe anything until I see four hearts on his wrist.”

“At your service.”

_No problem._

* * *

Beomgyu decided he would text Taehyun as soon as his classes ended. It’s was all the better to get things over with as soon as possible than to stretch it on for him. His clock was ticking.

Once he left his lecture, he sped his way through campus ground, scrolling carelessly through his phone until he reached a quiet spot by another building. With a sigh, he took a seat on the grass, back leaning against the base of a tree. Beomgyu searched _Kang Taehyun_ in his contacts and immediately found his victim.

He felt the corner of his lip tilt upwards in a satisfied smirk. The motivation he felt sky-rocketed and he was determined once again.

Yet, oddly, he hesitated. His thumb hovered over the contact, unmoving for a split second. It was unlike him to act on such a whim, yet here he was, claiming to work for a tour committee that their university didn’t even offer.

Why was he going out of his way for this?

It didn’t matter. His mind told him it’d be worth it.

He didn’t ponder on the thought too long. Once the memories of the assholes who broke his hearts clouded his mind, his goal was set high yet again. This time, without hesitance, he clicked the contact to open a new chat, feeling the buried emotions fuel his mission.

_—:_

_hello hello!_

**kang taehyun:**

**who is this?**

_—:_

_ah i should’ve introduced myself first my bad !!_

_this is choi beomgyu from earlier :) i offered to help you with navigation!_

**kang taehyun:**

**ah, i remember you. thanks for offering, i appreciate it.**

—:

_aish no need to thank me! it’s the least i could do T^T it’s a huge place i understand the struggle_

_i was thinking we could arrange a time to meet up?_

_i’m done with my classes for today so i’m good with any time_

**kang taehyun:**

**i have my media management class at 6pm, so i’m not sure if i can do today.**

**does tomorrow work for you?**

_—:_

_fine by me!!_

_i only have one class tomorrow at 8am for about two hours so i’m good with any time after that ^~^_

**kang taehyun:**

**we could meet up around 12? if that’s okay with you.**

_—:_

_no problem!_

_we can start at the campus cafe_

_im assuming you know where that is though,,,_

**kang taehyun:**

**im aware, dont worry. i’ll see you then.**

_—:_

_see you soon, taehyun-ah~_

* * *

Beomgyu was overthinking.

Naturally, it was a regular process for him. With how much he’s experienced, he’s well aware of how his mind works. It jumbles all his intentions and produces countless possibilities, one after the other. Some would be promising while the majority would drive him to the point where he’d begin to doubt his goal.

Now was one of those moments.

He was standing by the door of the campus café, two drinks in his hands as he waits patiently for Taehyun. He decided he would arrive a bit earlier to order them drinks, an action which would give him a boost and put him straight on Taehyun’s likable people list

That was until he started really thinking. What if Taehyun didn’t even _like_ boys? He’d make an absolute fool out of himself with a conclusion like that. What if he was coming off too strong? Would it even matter since he doesn’t _actually_ have an interest in Taehyun? His intentions weren’t as pure as he’d wish, yet something inside him urged him to go with it.

He shoved those thoughts down and locked them up once the head of red hair caught his eye. Taehyun was speed walking towards him, eyes set in familiarity once he spotted Beomgyu. He was dressed in a blue short-sleeved shirt and black shorts, a small grey backpack hanging low on his back.

And, of course, his hearts. His five, bright,  full hearts glowing against his skin.

Every time Beomgyu saw those, he felt his intentions fill with purpose again. 

So, with a small smile, he met Taehyun halfway.

“Taehyun, hey,” Beomgyu greeted, waving his drink-occupied hand.

“I’m sorry I’m a bit late,” Taehyun jumped to apologies, running his fingers through his silky hair, “I forgot we were doing this and got ready last minute.”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. I didn’t wait too long, no worries,” he reassured him. Before Taehyun could spew out another string of apologies, Beomgyu cut him off, holding up the drink. “Here, I bought us drinks. I wasn’t sure what you liked so I hope a caramel latte is fine with you.”

Taehyun seemed surprised by the gesture, genuinely amused by the drink held in front of him. “Why?” he spoke. “How much was it? Let me pay you back.”

“Taehyun-ah, it’s okay,” Beomgyu chuckled, satisfied when Taehyun finally took the drink out of his hands, “consider it a nice deed from me. You might owe me one in the future, though.”

Taehyun smiled at that, taking a small, tentative sip before speaking, “Should’ve known there was a catch.”

“No catch, just my great charms,” Beomgyu teased nonchalantly.

“So charming, Beomgyu-ssi.”

“Hyung,” he corrected him with a small smile. “You can call me hyung.” Level up.

With that, Beomgyu started their supposed  tour.  He didn’t have an exact map laid out in his head to begin with, which was his first mistake. He aimlessly began walking around and naming the places they visited, relating them to other places to try make him seem more knowledgable.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t as awkward as it should have been. Beomgyu found himself having small conversations with Taehyun each time the ventured to new destinations. He was an interesting person to talk to and his voice was oddly soothing to listen to. He didn’t give away many personal things, though, which could’ve helped Beomgyu with his task. The boy talked mainly about school work. Never his personal interests, friends or family.

Even though Beomgyu was relieved the tour went well, he was greedily frustrated that Taehyun wasn’t the egoistic asshole he expected him to be. He wasn’t like the other people who flaunted their five hearts, going around flirting with just about every moving thing. Taehyun didn’t once bring up his hearts, nor did he ask Beomgyu about his hearts.

But who was Beomgyu to judge upon first impressions? His trust issues had grown bigger than his general respect for people and he found himself stuck at the bottom of a pit where the top was indistinguishable.

To put it simply; even though Taehyun  seemed  harmless, Beomgyu will still break one of his hearts. 

He won’t rest until then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked the first chapter! comments are appreciated ^~^


	2. Anticipation

Youthful people fall in love with the wrong people sometimes. It can be vile and unintentionally scarring, at most.

Namely, Beomgyu had been subjected to the scam disguised by sweet nothings defined by _love._ There wasn’t a formula or a guideline he could read and follow to secure him a reliable shoulder to lay his head on. To offer _himself_. To him, it was all based on instinct and bad decisions.

So, he wasn’t entirely clear on how he could break the first of Taehyun's hearts, let alone make him fall for him in the first place. His scheme was a blurry track in a riotous, rainy night, the ending isle blocked by jagged bumps and pits. 

He’d managed to stray so far from romantic involvement that he didn’t perceive what interested people anymore— what interested _him_ anymore. 

The day after he met up with Taehyun, he busied himself trying to catch up. It was hopeless with how he managed to rid himself of any thought of love. He’d grown so scared, so _afraid,_ of losing himself that he couldn't even consider finding someone to fill that gap. He’d given away his all to people who didn’t give much mind, only to leave him with crumbled bits of himself, trying desperately to merge them back together.

Still, he _tried_. He spent the night intently watching movies based on all types of romance, ranging from cliche high school stories to deep, heart-wrenching scripts.

He was unamused when the central character got their heart broken and their faith was thrown away. He didn’t flinch when they found out there was no love in the first place. Beomgyu was used to it and what was supposed to be the sad turning point of the movie only bored him further.

Initially, no, he wasn’t entertained by the crying, the yearning, the comforting friends, the cheating, or the breakups.

He paid the most attention when the main couple was, well, _in love._ Or, at least seemed to be.

Beomgyu found himself leaning forward only slightly when he’d see them embracing each other or sharing a brief, affectionate kiss. He wasn’t appalled by it as he’d presumed himself to be. Instead, something inside him throbbed at seeing what he could have.

His stomach felt like it was caving in when he saw the two main characters laugh together, sharing charming kisses. His chest felt heavy and his shoulders weighed much more; as if they were homing two blocks of sheer hurt. He had that. He had _something_ like that. He didn’t trust himself enough to have something like that again. It was worrying him beyond comprehension.

Safe to say, after the sixth film, he couldn’t bear the thoughts tumbling down on him and stopped watching, shutting his laptop closed with a soft slam. He laughed bitterly at the thought of his fondest memories with his past lovers morphing into the nightmares he tried to avoid. He was stuck inside them, desperately wanting to step away from his timeline and go to a place where he could just _rest_. It wasn’t an option, yet he still hoped.

Maybe he’d rest when he isn’t on the receiving end.

* * *

**_[11:03pm]_ **

_—:_

_hey taehyun!_

_i know it’s late but i’m letting you know i’m free tomorrow so we can continue whenever you want!!_

**kang taehyun:**

**yeah, i’m fine with that.**

**sorry, i’m a bit busy right now. can we discuss tomorrow?**

_—:_

_oh yeah sure!_

**kang taehyun:**

**ill text you tomorrow, i promise.**

**have a good** **evening, hyung.**

_—:_

_you too !! ~_

* * *

“What is up with you?” Hueningkai’s voice broke Beomgyu out of his thoughts, startling him to the point of a short flinch. He hadn't even noticed he was paying minimal attention to their conversation, having trailed into his mind.

It was roughly seven in the evening, the sun brimming the diminutive buildings on its way to set. Beomgyu was walking Hueningkai back to his dorm building and Soobin had eagerly tagged along. The older essentially joined to meet up with Yeonjun after, for reasons beyond Beomgyu.

That wasn’t his concern, though.

No, his concern was the fact that the entire day had gone by with nothing innovative. His day had rushed by with _no_ messages from Taehyun. His empty inbox shouldn’t have bothered him as much as it did, yet it pestered at the end of his mind throughout his entire day. It wasn’t his fault, though. He _was_ promised a text. Nonetheless, none came.

He was somewhat upset, but mostly pissed. 

“What do you mean?” Beomgyu masked his conflict with a doubtful voice. The last thing he’d want is for Hueningkai to find out about the bet. The younger boy was too kindhearted and sympathetic. His heart and mind drove him to do everything in everyone's benefit. Being so close to him, Beomgyu had become subject to that treatment multiple times. If Kai were to find out he’d force him to drop it instantaneously.

“You’ve been checking your phone nonstop all day,” Kai pointed to the device clutched in Beomgyu’s tight grip, knuckles whitening unbeknownst to him. He relaxed his hand. “Is something bothering you?”

Beomgyu lowered his head, kicking at a small rock on the path. It was hard to lie to Kai, yet he did feel the need to hide _this_ from him. “I’m just waiting for someone to text me, I guess.”

“Is it Taehyun?” Soobin asked excitedly, much to Beomgyu’s disappointment. “He isn’t texting you? I’m already win—“

“ _Yes_ , it’s Taehyun,” Beomgyu interrupted him with a cold bite in his voice. Soobin quieted at that, confused. Still, he understood the message he was receiving and didn't question his sudden flicker of irritation.

“Who’s Taehyun?” Kai inquired, voice leaking with curiosity as he was left completely in the blue. Before Beomgyu could come up with a plausible reply, another _lie_ , a lightbulb lit over Kai’s head. “Taehyun? The new student that Soobin said had five hearts?”

_Great._

“Uh,” Beomgyu blanked, “yeah, him.”

Kai nodded in recognition until his face morphed into that familiar confusion again. “Why are you waiting for him to text you? I thought you hated people with five hearts?”

Beomgyu saw Soobin open his mouth only to stop himself, pulling his lips into a tight line. 

“Change of perspective, I guess,” Beomgyu mumbled, “trying to warm up to them.”

Kai beamed at that, adding more bounce to his steps as his hair jumped on his forehead with his enthusiasm. “That’s nice to hear, hyung.” he grinned widely. “I’m glad you’re opening up more.”

Beomgyu hummed, “Yeah… opening up.”

In no time, Kai changed the subject, chattering on about his day and whatever would unfold in his mind. Beomgyu mostly listened, leaving the rest of the talking to Soobin, who didn’t mention the bet at all.

Nonetheless, Soobin threw a few concerned glances his way. Ones Beomgyu intently ignored and disregarded.

He could feel the questions begging to be spoken beating at Soobin, so when they dropped Kai off at his dorm, he wasted no time firing his inquiries at Beomgyu.

“Why aren’t you telling him?” Soobin hastily questioned, eyebrows furrowed in distaste. “He thinks you’re _actually_ going to drop your hate for those people.”

_Those people._

It was no secret that Soobin didn't like them either. In fact, it was quite obvious. Even though he didn't home the same spiteful hatred, Beomgyu knew the older would feel safer trusting people _without_ their five hearts. It was like a sign hung over them, warning the two not to engage.

Much to their dismay, Beomgyu was doing the opposite.

He scoffed bitterly, finding no joy in the situation. “He doesn’t know how wrong he is.” 

“Why aren’t you telling him?” Soobin repeated more firmly once the younger dodged his question. Even though Beomgyu knew Soobin’s curiosity was tempting him to spill countless questions, the older was a considerate and patient person. They walked a bit, a few seconds passing by before Beomgyu eventually spoke.

“You know what Kai is like,” Beomgyu muttered dejectedly, “he’s too genuinely pure for this shitty world. He would tell me to back out or he’d straight up tell Taehyun before I could do anything. He wouldn’t do it to anger me, he’d do it for my good.”

Soobin sighed, tapping his finger against his thigh, “So you’re going to keep it from him?” 

“As long as he doesn’t meet Taehyun, this doesn’t concern him,” Beomgyu shrugged nonchalantly.

Uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation, Soobin shifted the topic slightly. “He hasn’t texted you?”

“No,” Beomgyu laughed, for some unknown reason, “I offered to show him around some more but he said he was busy yesterday and he’d text me today.”

Soobin smirked, “Looks like he isn’t interested,” he joked, nudging Beomgyu’s arm. “Might as well pay up now. Maybe divide it and pay for my lunch every day.”

“In your dreams,” Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “I’ll text him later.”

Soobin made a disgusted face at that, scrunching up his nose. “Coming off as desperate at this point. He’s going to block you.”

“Ah, that would be a win for you, wouldn’t it?” Beomgyu frowned at the thought of losing that easily.

His mind trailed back to the night before. The picture of him curled up in his blanket with a pillow hugged close to his chest as he binged those movies was fresh in his memories. When he watched them, the interest between the characters had started so early on. What was he doing wrong? 

He worried his detachment from bonds had stripped him of the ability to love, or the ability to make people love _him._ Had he strayed so far to the point of no return? There wasn’t a feeling which could replace the gaping hole homing his heart. None other than the one he avoided so desperately.

How could he make someone love him when he didn’t know what exactly the feeling meant?

“Beomgyu?” Soobin tapped his shoulder, “Something else is bothering you.”

Unable to hide anything from the older, he didn’t bother trying to lie himself out of the problem. “I just watched some things yesterday that kind of upset me,” he muttered. “It’s nothing related to what we’re doing, though. Don’t worry. Society problems or whatever.”

Well, he could lie a bit.

"Ah, those," Soobin grimaced, eating up his excuse. "Don't dwell on those. It's damaging to think so much about it."

* * *

Beomgyu was on edge the entire way back home, hand itching to whip out his phone and ask why exactly he got bailed on.

When he talked with Soobin, something in him found its complement piece and clicked. He was overthinking over _nothing._ Beomgyu told himself he was letting his previous experiences cloud this new one. He reminded himself of his initial motive, reminded himself _why_ he was doing it in the first place. Self-redemption, maybe, but in the bigger picture, it was something deeper.

He reminded himself he was thinking of things he couldn’t have. With the pathetic, single heart sitting on his wrist, he couldn’t give himself what he wanted. No matter how much he tried to tell himself he _didn't_ want it, the bitter resentment playing repeatedly at the back of his head told him otherwise. There was no point in dwelling on it.

No matter, though. He distracted himself with more pressing matters. It was a toxic habit he had to burry his constant whirl of thoughts despite their size, but he stood by it nonetheless.

When he closed the door to his single dorm, he instantly went for his phone, throwing his bag wherever.

**_[08:18pm]_ **

_—:_

_hey, everything alright?_

_just wondering since i haven’t heard from you all day_

As anticipated, he didn’t get a reply as quickly as he’d wanted to. In fact, he didn’t get a reply for the rest of the day. When he noticed he wouldn’t get one in the first hour, he shut his phone in frustration, feeling his opportunity slip through his fingers. Was it that easy for him to give up?

Unwillingly, this seemed like a reminder. Like a small, persisting creature was sitting in his ear and laughing, whispering _‘I told you so. You’ve lost your ability to be liked.’_

How could he lose something he didn’t have in the first place, though?

Instead of feeding into the tempting despair, he abandoned whatever work he was scheduled to do and fell onto his cushioned bed, hugging his pillow close to his body. Without changing or tending to his needs, he tried to sleep with a clenched fist in his pillow and a heavy heart.

A heavy, single heart both in his chest and on his wrist.

* * *

Beomgyu woke up to the sound of his phone going off repeatedly, invading his sound sleep. Squinting against the light leaking through the blinds, his body felt stiff from sleeping in his clothes from the day before. He ran a hand through his hair, haywire strands detangling through his fingers. 

Slowly, picked his phone from the bedside table, groggily slumping back onto his pillows and checking his notifications.

Taehyun had texted him back.

**_[06:28am]_ **

**kang taehyun:**

**hey, beomgyu-hyung. i’m really sorry i didn’t text you yesterday.**

**i had a class yesterday and i spent the day studying to catch up for what i missed. i forgot we were supposed to meet up.**

**i appreciate your offer and if you’re still willing to, we could meet today?**

**sorry again.**

**i can make it up to you. maybe i can pay for your coffee or your breakfast? i know this nice place.**

Beomgyu squinted at the messages, blinking slowly. He read over them a few more times, trying to process them in his reeling, tired state.

His delay in response seemed to set off more alarms from the other end, resulting in a sea of more overwhelming messages.

_**[06:34am]** _

**kang taehyun:**

**i can't tell if you’re leaving me on read on purpose ah.**

**really sorry.**

_—:_

_nono i didn’t leave you on read_

_i just woke up actually i don’t usually wake up at this time,,_

**kang taehyun:**

**oh, i’m sorry for waking you.**

**i have a class soon so i thought i’d text you before i leave.**

_—:_

_at 6am? that’s harsh haha_

_its okay tho no need to apologise! no hard feelings_

_in fact, i could use some breakfast now that i’m awake_

**kang taehyun:**

**yeah, sure.**

**can we meet by the library? it’s the closest to my class building. from there we could grab some food.**

_—:_

_no problem!_

_see you then!!_

**kang taehyun:**

**yeah, goodbye!**

* * *

Beomgyu was glad Taehyun was adamant about rescheduling. It put his motive back in place, setting an open path for him and helped rid of the doubts he had before. As expected, his desire to prove Soobin wrong overpowered the internal conflict, blinding him of his logic.

The younger had asked to meet him in front of the library, claiming it was close to his morning class. Beomgyu had no problem with that. It was closer to his dorm building, anyway.

What _did_ bother him was the fact that the library was by the biology buildings when he was almost certain Taehyun was an art student. He was in Soobin’s media management class which contributed to the art department, after all. Besides, the two units were quite literally on opposite sides of the campus, giving no connections.

He was a little confused when he saw Taehyun by the library building, backpack slung low on his back as he intently scrolled through his phone.

Before he could call out to him, the red-haired boy seemed to notice his presence, raising his head and quickly pocketing his phone.

“Hey, Beomgyu-hyung,” Taehyun greeted him, a small smile playing at his lips, “the diner is just a few blocks away if you don't mind."

“That’s fine,” Beomgyu grinned at the comfortable honorific. _Progress._ Taehyun began directing the way, the older following close.

In no time, Beomgyu voiced his uncertainty as they crossed the street. “You’re in my friends' media management class, right?” he started in an attempt to learn more about the boy.

“Soobin, right?” Taehyun asked. “Yeah, we share a class. I talked to him yesterday.”

Beomgyu almost halted in his tracks at that. Why was Taehyun talking to Soobin? He wouldn’t have ratted him out. There was no way. Beomgyu knew, he was positive Soobin wouldn't have right out told Taehyum just to win a few extra dollars. He trusted the boy too much to doubt him like that.

Still, it rang some alarms.

Beomgyu tried to conceal the concern, “I thought you were majoring in the art department?”

“Uh,” Taehyun lowered his head, hands playing at the rim of his pockets, “I am.” 

Something about his stance set Beomgyu off. It wasn’t hard to tell from the two times they’ve met up that Taehyun was quite a secretive person. He didn't speak of himself unless pointedly asked to do so, and even then, he still managed to avoid spilling too many facts about himself. Something about his character didn’t sit right with Beomgyu, further pushing him to dig.

“The library is by the biology department, though,” Beomgyu stated, voice laced in that common confusion.

Taehyun raised a hand to the back of his neckline, subtly scratching at the nape. “I’m majoring in molecular biology too,” he eventually revealed. Still, Beomgyu wasn’t sure why he was so reluctant to tell him. “Arts and molecular biology.”

“You’re double majoring,” Beomgyu gaped, impressed by the fact. “Isn’t that really challenging? On top of that, you probably missed a lot.”

Taehyun looked his way, “I’ll manage.” Something in his tone of voice begged Beomgyu to drop it. His replies were curt and agile, seemingly uninterested in the conversation, and, most noticeably, uncomfortable.

Easily, Beomgyu got the message and revoked his questions, pocketing them for another time and place. Although he was eager to grow close to Taehyun and heighten his chances of winning, he acknowledged he wouldn’t get anywhere by pushing him so early on.

With that, he withheld his curiosity and changed the topic.

The walk to the diner wasn’t too long, having been only a few feet away from their starting point. It was quite small and not many people filled the array of tables, giving a solemn vibe.

Taehyun seemed familiar with the place, though. He led them in with ease. When they were seated, he dropped his bag onto the floor with a sigh, running a hand through his silky hair a few times. Something was bothering him, but Beomgyu didn’t ask. It seemed Taehyun was easy to read.

He solely talked about other things, like where he’d take the boy after they ate. He dictated the best times to go to places and listed the departments on campus. Taehyun listened intently, but something was off with the way he nodded eagerly.

Beomgyu didn’t let it phase him. 

When Taehyun was listing their orders for the waiter to note down, Beomgyu noticed how he was leaning on his elbow. His sleeve was creeping down his forearm, yet again showcasing the array of gleaming hearts. Subconsciously, Beomgyu pulled his own sleeves into his hands, trying to cover his own. He wasn't sure if Taehyun had noticed them. If he did, he certainly didn't show it.

Beomgyu looked around aimlessly, spotting others with at least one dimmed heart. It seemed Taehyun was the only one with a full set, yet it didn’t make him feel out of place. Beomgyu glowered at the thought. _What made him so special?_

There was that feeling again.

The familiar spiteful fill of _jealousy_. The same one that clouded his mind, spreading at such a swift speed as it ate hungrily at his better thoughts. It was like a devouring creature, desperate for redemption and willing to engage in whatever it had to. 

He only wished he had more chances. At least one more which wouldn’t lead him to the inevitable, constant devoid of feelings. He wanted— he _needed_ something to put a rest to the raging beast inside him.

That something was sitting right in front of him. 

If he couldn’t give himself another go, he could take away someone else’s, it seemed.

“Why are you majoring in arts and molecular biology?” Beomgyu asked once the waiter had stepped away, the look he got making him impatient. He wouldn’t delve too deep, but he needed to start somewhere if he was going to gain his trust.

“I love photography,” Taehyun replied easily, avoiding the other half of the question. He hesitated for a second, seemingly recollecting his thoughts. “Someone I know gifted me a camera when I was sixteen. I didn’t think it would do me any good but I still ended up getting lost trying to find nice scenery to take pictures of.”

Beomgyu felt something click in his mind. This was good. It was progress. He remembered the short snippets of the movies where they’d talk about passions and whatnot. 

“You only take pictures of scenery?” Beomgyu continued, tilting his head slightly in question.

“Yeah,” Taehyun scoffed, “people aren't even half as interesting to take pictures of.”

“Should I be offended?”

Taehyun smiled at him, amused. “Nah, don't take it personally,” he dropped his arm, “I’m never really interested in people, anyway.”

_Huh._

That might’ve contributed to his lack of dimmed hearts. 

Before Beomgyu could ask further, Taehyun seemed to process what exactly he said, doe eyes widening. He spoke almost instantly after. “What about your major?”

“I’m majoring in music,” Beomgyu took the bait, brushing it off as nothing. “Music history, theory, and literature mainly.”

“That’s nice. What do you play?” Taehyun egged him on. Beomgyu’s mind lingered on his declaration only a few seconds ago, yet he let it float. He wouldn’t bring it up again since he wagered the younger didn’t seem to _want_ it to come up again, but he didn't let it slip.

“I can play a few things, but mostly guitar,” he smiled solemnly, “been playing since I was a child.”

Taehyun hummed at that. Beomgyu watched as he opened his mouth to shoot another question.

“There isn’t _really_ a tour committee, is there?”

Except, it wasn’t a question he was anticipating.


	3. Vigilance

_There isn’t really a tour committee, is there?_

Beomgyu’s train of thoughts came to an abrupt halt at the question, rendering him thoroughly speechless. His eyes widened at the inquisition, lips parting in an attempt to speak an excuse. He felt like he was tumbling down the mountain on progress he’d made, all his attempts washed away just like that.

_What now?_

The claim that he was on the supposed tour committee was spoken on a whim, no extra through given when he faced Taehyun for the first time. He was so determined to put his plan into action as soon as possible. He hadn’t given himself the time he needed to conceive of a plausible excuse, leading him to where he was now. _Stuck._

Taehyun watched him expectantly, doe eyes boring straight at him. When he noticed Beomgyu’s troubled state, a smirk compelled its way onto his lips. _He knew he was right._ There’d be no use in trying to lie again. With the way Taehyun peered at him smugly, Beomgyu was sure he was confident with his inquiry.

Still, he didn’t look necessarily mad.

“What?” Beomgyu belatedly uttered, mustering whatever came to his head first. He felt on the spot with the amount of attention Taehyun was giving him. He began fidgeting with his fingers under the table, rummaging through his thoughts to make him seem less like an idiot.

But, really, that’s what he was at this moment. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

“The tour committee for the university?” Taehyun repeated himself comfortably, leaning forward on the table as he grilled Beomgyu. “It doesn’t actually exist, does it?”

Alarms were being set off in Beomgyu’s head. Was this really the end of his short-lived game? Just like that, Soobin had won fifty dollars over Beomgyu. He hadn’t even gotten the chance to genuinely know Taehyun and lure him. Within a few days, not even a full week, he’d lost.

_It was that simple._

“Uh,” Beomgyu blanked, dodging his gaze as he gave in, “no. It doesn’t.”

Taehyun hummed, sinking back into his seat. “Thought so.”

“How did you know?” Beomgyu queried. _What’s he got to lose?_

“People tend to research the colleges they attend, hyung,” Taehyun narrated him simply with a matter of factly tone. He didn’t seem phased by the lie, though. Something about him was completely off in this situation, as if he’d encountered something like this, someone lying to him, before. 

“Ah,” Beomgyu nodded. He wondered if he should’ve gotten up and left. Maybe he would call Soobin to let him know he’d pay him by the end of the week.

“I checked the official website and there was nothing about a tour,” Taehyun further revealed. “Then, I asked Soobin-ssi yesterday after our class. He had no idea about a tour committee and when I told him you were part of it he said you made it up.”

Beomgyu felt his mood cloud at that. As if heavy rainfall was pelting down onto his state and driving him down. Of course, Soobin had a part in this. They hadn’t set any rules for the bet. He could sabotage Beomgyu in any way with no malicious feelings.

Only, Beomgyu wasn’t as mad as he should’ve been. It was reasonable and he didn’t give it as much thought. What he did focus on was Taehyun. 

The boy was watching Beomgyu with an amused face, not one of hatred, resentment, or hurt. His expression was deadly neutral as if he found the situation rather amusing to begin with instead of undergoing any sort of suspicion. He had his lips in a small, playful smile and his eyes were soft.

He had dark, chocolate eyes, wide and unrevealing. The boy also had faint freckles dusted over his face, homing mostly his nose and cheeks. It was entrancing how many small features contributed to his endearing face. Everything fit so well and shaped him into such a pretty person.

The more Beomgyu looked, the more he noticed. He couldn’t deny Taehyun was attractive despite the hearts on his wrist.

“I’m just a bit curious,” Taehyun vocalized when Beomgyu didn’t, bringing the older boys' attention back to where it mattered. It mattered in the conversation. _Not his freckles_. “Why did you lie about that?”

“Uh,” Beomgyu looked down, blurting out whatever came first, “I wanted to talk to you.”

He didn’t get an immediate reply at that.

“Huh?”

“You seemed interesting and I… I needed an excuse to talk to you,” Beomgyu mumbled. He couldn’t decipher why he was so reluctant to address this or why he was abruptly toppling over his words. Maybe him being caught in the act was a deciding factor. Maybe it was the strong gaze Taehyun was giving him.

When Taehyun didn’t speak, Beomgyu mustered the courage to look up at him.

It seemed like the self-righteous, confident look had been wiped clean off of his face, substituted by one of wonderment. He was genuinely surprised, his pink lips were parted slightly, eyes confused at the response he’d gotten. Beomgyu didn’t know what he was expecting but it unmistakably wasn’t this.

He looked like an innocent child, one that had just been told something genuinely groundbreaking to the point where they couldn’t believe its authenticity.

“Oh, okay,” he eventually expressed, voice doubtful. “You could’ve just approached me with a hi or something,” he continued, trying to lighten the mood with a low voice.

Beomgyu almost had to ask what he meant by that, stunned his excuse had worked. “Yeah, that seems like a better idea now that you’ve said it.”

Taehyun smiled at him— it seemed honest. He smiled with his eyes. “Well, technically I’m still a new student,” he explained, “if you don’t mind, you could show me around some more? After we eat, at least.”

“Really?” Beomgyu simpered, dumbfounded at how easy it was. Maybe Soobin helped him by telling Taehyun.

“Yeah.”

Soobin had _definitely_ helped him.

After that, they held an easy conversation, the revelation of the nonexistent tour committee long forgotten within seconds. Beomgyu felt the boy was still a bit weary with him, yet they could at least be considered friends feasibly.

Beomgyu didn’t let him pay for their food alone, adamant on paying for his own. They were on their way after that, continuing with the little tour he’d offered. 

It wasn’t exactly a tour, per se. Majorly, it was more of the two boys wandering around aimlessly, Beomgyu leading him wherever he deemed worthy. They mostly discussed meager interests like music or show to things they enjoy in their major. They went off topic and off path multiple times, venturing to small shops and whatnot instead of around campus.

They’d stop at some spots as Beomgyu would find it necessary to introduce him to some of his favourite places and be on their way swiftly after that. From time to time, they’d spend a few dollars buying small, useless things from random stores, laughing after at their purchase for no specific reason.

Beomgyu had ended up buying a strawberry keychain for him.

He told him it reminded him of his hair.

Later on, they stood around the music department, close to where Beomgyu had most of his classes. The outside was modestly decorated, a scanty fountain surrounded by loitering students situated right in front of the huge doors. 

The setup seemed to pique Taehyun‘s interest, pushing him to whip out his phone and snap an agile picture. Beomgyu couldn’t lie, he found it somewhat endearing with how easily the younger became captivated with such trivial things. 

“It would look better if I took it with my camera,” Taehyun frowned, plush lips pouting at the picture he’d just taken.

“You didn’t bring it with you?” Beomgyu wondered aloud, glancing at the boys' full backpack.

Taehyun shook his head, his hair flowing with his movement as he zoomed into his picture. “I only have biology classes today. No need to carry equipment for photography everywhere.”

There he goes again with his molecular biology classes.

Perhaps Beomgyu was reflecting too deeply about it, but Taehyun’s participation in that major didn’t fit him. Sure, the boy seemed bright enough to take such a challenging class, but _why?_ Why take a class like that alongside photography?

In addition, he never discussed it. Taehyun animatedly talked about photography. It seemed to be his passion, something he’d been doing for years and found comfort in. He mentioned it repeatedly, talking about his favourite things to take pictures off— _the sky—_ to his least favourite pieces— _people._

All in all, he never talked about his second major. In fact, he avoided it entirely. Even when Beomgyu pointedly asked, he managed to alter the topic, almost as if he was unfamiliar with talking about it.

It was intriguing, to say the least.

“Shit,” Taehyun cursed under his breath, grasping at Beomgyu’s attention. “It’s three already?”

Beomgyu flinched at the quick shift, throwing him a concerned glance. “Why? Do you have a class?” he asked, “I could walk you th—“

“No. No, no, I don’t have a class,” Taehyun faltered over his words, jostling his phone back into his pocket, “I… I just have something to do. Sorry.”

“Oh, okay,” Beomgyu furrowed his eyebrows, puzzled at his unexpected and haste, desperate mood. 

“Thank you for showing me around, hyung,” Taehyun gave a short bow, barely-there as he was already backing away. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah, see you,” Beomgyu mumbled, but the boy was already gone.

Something was different about him. 

* * *

Beomgyu was leaving his afternoon class with a bag full of assignments, dreading when he’d actually sit down to do them. The workload didn’t stop him from spending the day with his friends, though. He needed that kind of outlet right now with how much he was overthinking things.

He thought back to the day before where Taehyun had completely read through him. He thought back to the concerning things he’d said and quickly covered up. Beomgyu noticed that Taehyun didn’t give a second thought towards his hearts, acting as if they weren't permanently situated on his wrist. He never addressed them nor had he asked Beomgyu about his hearts— or, his lack of hearts.

Beomgyu regularly thought of how Taehyun strived to meet up again. They could be considered friends by now, right? It was a step closer to the bigger picture of things.

_What did the bigger picture look like, though?_

He didn’t give in to that thought. It wasn’t worth his mental energy to stress over something insignificant. It was simple and he was extensively overcomplicating it with the way his mind works. Get in, gain his trust, get out. That was how simple it should be.

Either way, it was a worry for another time. At this moment, he was looking for Soobin, Yeonjun, and Kai, who said they’d wait for him after his class ended.

In an instant, he saw the head of purple hair amongst the crowds of people. It was easy to spot him. Instantaneously, he saw Yeonjun by him, the two talking animatedly.

Well, Yeonjun was talking while Soobin stared at him with a look of genuine adoration and devotion. Beomgyu wasn’t sure if the taller boy was even listening to the continuous banter with the way he was so captivated by his face.

It wasn’t a secret that Soobin was in love with Yeonjun, no matter how adamantly he denied it. Beomgyu was glad he was able to feel that way without as much doubt and fear as him. He had it hard with the two hearts on his wrist, but not as hard as Beomgyu. It was sort of a relief that someone close to him wasn’t suffering.

“Hey,” Beomgyu called to them, smirking at how Soobin jumped at the new interval. 

“Beomgyu,” Yeonjun grinned, engulfing him into a brief hug, “feels like I haven’t seen you in years.”

“We saw each other last week?” 

“Same difference,” he ridiculed. “Let’s find Kai and go get some food. I’m sure I saw him around here.”

With that, the eldest went ahead of them, carefully weaving through the mass of busy students.

“Binnie, try being more lowkey when you’re staring at him,” Beomgyu teased him lowly as they trotted after him. “You look at him like he’s offering you more hearts.”

“I wasn’t staring at him,” Soobin gasped, face flushing an easy pink. “He—“

“Who’s that kid Kai’s talking to?” Yeonjun jumped into their conversation, unbeknownst to the effect he had on Soobin. Beomgyu didn’t give it much mind, finding it much more amusing at how desperately the boy was trying to hide the blush coating his cheeks.

He didn’t care much for what Yeonjun had asked until he saw a familiar head of red hair in the corner of his eyes.

Quickly averting his attention, he spotted Hueningkai talking enthusiastically with Taehyun.

Exactly what he’d tried to avoid was unfolding right before his eyes.

Why was he talking to Kai? He knew Kai was a music major too, but why was Taehyun here?

“Shit,” Beomgyu swore under his breath, unsure of how to approach the disappointing situation. He cowered behind Yeonjun, hoping the two younger boys wouldn’t spot him, for some unknown reason.

“Oh,” Soobin followed, glad to have the attention off of him, “Should we stop them?”

“What?” Yeonjun furrowed his eyebrows at their responses, looking at them expectantly. “Why? Who is he?”

Beomgyu keeps his eyes on them, mind jumbling at the sudden bump in his plan. “His name is Kang Taehyun. He’s a junior,” he explained all while keeping a side-eye on the two.

“And?” Yeonjun pushed, impatient with the suspense. “Why is it bad if Kai is talking to him? Is he an asshole or something?” He looked like he was a few seconds away from trying to save Kai. From what? He wasn’t sure.

“Probably, yeah,” Beomgyu glowered as he bit at his lip anxiously. 

“Huh?” Yeonjun mumbled, looking back at the two younger boys who still haven't noticed their presence. “What are you talking about?”

“Listen, Taehyun has five hearts,” Beomgyu lowered his voice. With that piece of information, Yeonjun’s face dropped in distaste, abandoning the familiar confusion. “I bet with Soobin that I could break one of his hearts.”

Something clicked in Yeonjun’s mind, face morphing into one of mischief. Still, it didn’t stop him from homing the pitying look Beomgyu usually got. The blonde boy glanced at Beomgyu’s wrist— at his one heart— in concern, yet no words were spoken. He wouldn’t bring it up.

Beomgyu mentally thanked him for that. It was a sore topic.

“How much?” he urged instead.

“Fifty dollars.”

Yeonjun whistled lowly, a smirk playing at his lips. With that, Beomgyu knew he was already on board. “Good luck with that,” he joked. “Soobin, if you win you better take me out on a nice date,” he further teased.

Soobin seemed to take the joke to the heart, face flushing the same red it was a few minutes ago. The two had that kind of relationship. They weren’t dating, per se, but Yeonjun was overly flirty with Soobin and would say things he wouldn’t say to anyone else. Beomgyu had tried countless times to get Soobin to confess, but he’d argue saying the elder was only joking. Beomgyu wouldn’t delve into someone else’s relationship, though.

He believed everyone had to go at their own pace, no matter how much he despised the feeling.

“Shut up,” Soobin stammered instead.

Yeonjun didn’t seem to be phased by it. “How has Kai not convinced you back out?”

“Uh, he doesn’t know,” Beomgyu informed him, slightly anxious of what would happen if he’d know. “He wasn’t supposed to meet Taehyun.”

“Oh, shit,” Yeonjun gaped, raising both his eyebrows in realisation as he looked back at the two still talking.

“Yeah,” Beomgyu agreed with his concern, unsure of whether he should approach them or not.

It was concerning that Kai was talking to him in the first place, yet something else was troubling him.

What bothered him was the way Taehyun seemed somewhat relaxed talking to him. When Beomgyu had first approached him, the boy was unwilling and entirely closed off, visually confused at why a stranger had started talking to him.

In contrast, with Kai, Taehyun didn’t home the same concern. His shoulders were relaxed and his body wasn’t as closed in as before. He was talking with him comfortably, contributing to the conversation as much as Kai was.

Once again, what had Beomgyu done _wrong_? Was Kai just a more likable person than he had been, or did Taehyun prefer the younger over him based upon first impressions? 

_Why was it bothering him?_

He felt something familiar, something he felt so very often. The same emotion he felt towards Taehyun’s five hearts. Not hatred, no. The one that pushed him to want to be in his place. To have that privilege.

Did he want to be in Kai’s place? Talking to him comfortably?

_No._

No, he couldn’t want that. That was absurd. Beomgyu visibly frowned to himself for thinking of something like that. It was irrational and just something he thought of in the heat of the moment. He’d wanted it to go through with the little game he had going on.

“I think they noticed us,” Soobin suddenly spoke, thankfully distracting Beomgyu before he began spiraling.

True to his words, the two were looking their way. Beomgyu’s eyes met with Taehyun’s almost immediately, familiarity clouding between them. He gave Beomgyu a soft smile, one that was barely noticeable, and a small wave. The action stirred at his insides.

Kai was speaking directly to the red-haired boy, hands moving in an inviting motion. He was probably asking him to join them, which was natural with his considerate personality.

Taehyun seemed to decline his offer, though, slightly shaking his head as he adverted his attention back to the taller boy. Kai seemed to frown at that but he let him go. 

Beomgyu watched as the two separated, Kai, walking towards him and Taehyun the opposite direction. He left without explanation as to why he was around the Music department in the first place.

“Don’t tell Kai,” Beomgyu reminded Yeonjun quickly.

Before Yeonjun could affirm, Hueningkai had already reached them, an innocent smile resting on his lips as he approached unbeknownst to their malicious plan. 

“Hey, Hyuka,” Beomgyu greeted him as if the previous conversation hadn’t even happened, “you met Taehyun?”

Kai beamed, “Yeah, I recognised him because of the hearts and the red hair and thought I’d talk to him.”

“Do you know why he was here?” Beomgyu asked, looking over Kai’s shoulder as if to confirm that the boy was really there. 

“He said he was looking for you, actually,” Kai informed him, shrugging. “He looked a bit lost so I approached him. I asked if he wanted to join us but he said he didn’t want to intrude and would see you another time.”

Beomgyu didn’t know what he was expecting, but it definitely wasn’t that. He felt a bit dumbfounded and stunned at the response he’d gotten. He wasn’t sure _why_ he was genuinely stricken by it. Why was he looking for him? It made him a bit anxious and weary, to begin with.

Soobin seemed to notice his concern. “Let’s go eat now, please,” he diverted the conversation.

Beomgyu realised then that when he started overthinking, Soobin would jump in to distract him. It wasn’t a reliable antidote, yet it worked, to a certain extent. He was thankful for the effort.

Still, as they were on their way, his mind lingered on what Taehyun might’ve wanted.


	4. Disquietude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m dedicating this chapter to my good friend gaja ♡ thank you for your art for this fic and for being there for me ^~^

Beomgyu was stuck.

Even though Soobin had seemingly influenced him to abandon the thought, he wouldn’t let it leave his mind. The restless curiosity of what Taehyun might’ve wanted from him lingered in his mind throughout the entire day. It shouldn’t have bothered him to the point of agitation, but he couldn’t control his concern.

He believed that maybe Taehyun would ultimately text him and let him know, yet _nothing_ came. Nothing was sent to reassure him nor put rest to his racing mind.

It gave him a sparse feeling of déjà vu. A complete repeat of the time he’d waited so diligently for Taehyun to text him only to receive nothing in the end.

Why it racked at his spirit, he didn’t know. He thought he was just eager to complete the bet, seeing as his time was rapidly ticking. Eager to prove he was capable of redeeming himself.

It definitely tainted his confidence.

He couldn’t exactly blame Taehyun, though. The boy appeared notably busy, especially as he was balancing both his majors. On top of that, he missed quite the workload. Beomgyu wasn’t sure if he would’ve succeeded through that.

Still, it irked him. Was he wasting his time on a lost cause?

He waited until two days later to text him first. Beomgyu told himself he _wouldn't_ , but the curiosity was eating him up from the inside, pushing him to simply settle it and let it rest. He only had one class later that day and he needed something to distract himself from the constant pestering of his mind.

Surprisingly, Taehyun responded faster than he’d awaited.

_—:_

_hey, taehyun!!_

_you came by the music department a few days ago and hueningkai told me you were looking for me?_

_i was just wondering why ahaha_

**kang taheyun:**

**i did?**

**ahh, yeah, i did.**

**it’s nothing important don’t worry about it.**

_—:_

_well now i’m just curious >: _

_what was it?_

**kang taehyun:**

**it’s really nothing important, hyung.**

**really silly, too.**

_—:_

_come onnn_

_pleaseee tell me_

_taehyunnniieee ):_

**kang taehyun:**

**okay, okay.**

**uh**

**i just bought you a small keychain.**

**i felt kind of bad for ditching you so suddenly so i bought it later on and wanted to give it to you.**

**it’s a rice ball kind of keychain, you know?**

**🍙**

**yeah, looks a bit like that one.**

**i don’t know why, but it reminded me of you.**

_—:_

_oh_

_that’s so cute !!_

_can we meet so i can take it? >< _

**kang taehyun:**

**ah, maybe later.**

**i have a class right now.**

_—:_

_ill walk you there!!_

**kang taehyun:**

**oh, no, it’s okay.**

**you don’t have to do that.**

_—:_

_might as well tell me where u are because i’m already leaving my dorm_

**kang taehyun:**

**really? hyung, you seriously don’t have to.**

_—:_

_):_

**kang taehyun:**

**alright alright**

**ill send my location.**

_—:_

_see you : > _

* * *

Beomgyu met Taehyun halfway to his class, keen to catch up before he’d advance. It was easy to spot the head of red hair in the distance, finding it familiar to do so.

When he approached him, Taehyun had given him the small keychain as soon as he was stood in front of him, professedly embarrassed by the exchange. He brushed it off as a humble gift which didn’t mean much, oblivious of the way Beomgyu took it excitedly.

Beomgyu pocketed the keychain for safekeeping. He noticed Taehyun had kept his strawberry one on his backpack zipper.

The small action stirred at something inside of him.

“You have your camera?” Beomgyu remarked as they strolled along the sidewalk.

“Oh, yeah,” Taehyun marveled, touching the camera hung around his neck, “my professor is going to give us a concept at the end of the class. After that, I’ll wander around a bit to find some inspiration.”

Beomgyu nodded, “That’s nice. What kind is it?”

Taehyun grinned at the question, holding up the device proudly. “A Canon EOS 5DS.”

“Don’t know what that is but it seems high quality,” Beomgyu snickered, lost at the twisted name for the camera. “Sounds expensive, too.”

“It is,” Taehyun ridiculed. Beomgyu took notice in how he handled it with such care, something about his touch was delicate and Beomgyu could tell it held a lot more meaning than it lets on. He looked at it with a solemn smile, clearly initiating some positive memories. It meant a lot to Taehyun. “I would’ve never been able to afford it, though. Someone gifted it to me.”

Beomgyu hummed, “Can I see some of your work?” 

Taehyun’s eyes widen at the request, sparkling with a type of astonishment. “Uh, yeah, sure,” he nodded eagerly, slipping the camera’s strap off from around his neck. He opened the diminutive device hastily as he balanced his books in his other hand. His fingers moved swiftly across the multiple buttons, comfortable and relaxed. 

He handed it to Beomgyu smoothly as they walked, one of his pictures already displayed on the small screen. The older held the device securely in fear of possibly dropping it and damaging the prized possession.

“These aren’t edited so they aren’t at their best,” Taehyun was prompt to explain, voice audibly timid as Beomgyu flipped through the myriad of pictures.

As anticipated, his photos revolved majorly around landscapes and scenery. They ranged from angled photos of lush, flourishing plants to gradients of luminous sky’s. His images captured the most vivid and powerful aspects of the places, seemingly effortlessly. Even without editing, Beomgyu was fascinated.

“These look so good, Taehyun,” Beomgyu praised, solely concentrated on the photographs. There were reoccurring copies of each area, only from varied perspectives. It would’ve been monotonous but each of them were unique in ways Beomgyu wouldn’t have considered.

He didn’t know much about photography— nothing at all, really— yet these had him enthralled.

The tiny aspects of Taehyun had him enthralled.

“Thank you,” Taehyun beamed widely, a dimple making its way onto his right cheek. Another charming feature. 

He leaned closer to Beomgyu in an attempt to see the screen, their shoulders practically touching at the proximity. Beomgyu shivered subtly at the feathering contact despite the midday sun, the closeness alarming him. He turned his head only slightly to glance at the younger boy, surprised with how close his face was.

His heart was unwillingly beating a little faster at that.

_Why was he reacting that way?_

Meanwhile, Taehyun appeared to give it no mind, pointing at the screen. “Most of these are for class projects,” he pouted, and Beomgyu noticed how plush his lips were.

How has he never gotten heartbroken? How has someone so entrancing and genuinely attractive never been victim to the curse? To submit to temptations? It was beyond Beomgyu and a balance shifted in his head. He felt it was unfair, even though the single heart on his wrist was his own fault.

Would it really be possible to dim one of those hearts?

All too suddenly, a figure bumped into them.

No, that was too modest.

A towering man quite literally shoved past them, resulting in the contents in their hands dropping out of grasp. Books, papers, and, most importantly, Taehyun’s camera.

It hit the ground with a heart-dropping crack.

The engagement promptly got a response out of Taehyun. He ran a panicked line of curses under his breath, hastily crouching down to check on the camera. Beomgyu could read the distress on his face from the crease of his eyebrows to the downwards tilt of his lips.

He looked back at the man who caused the raucous who was already walking away, unimpressed by his action.

“Dude, what is your problem?” Beomgyu cried out after him, voice trickling with resentment. “Watch where you’re fucking going!”

That seemed to strike a nerve. The man halted his track, hands buried deep in his pockets. He turned to face him. 

Beomgyu was taken aback by how deadly _emotionless_ he looked. It was like a bullet injected with shock had hit him square in his heart, the venom pumping throughout the length of his body and rooting him to the core. His angered expressed dropped, lips parting only slightly.

The man looked straight at Beomgyu with hooded eyes, empty. His irises were two pools of jet black, void of emotion or sentiment. They gawked at him down to his core and awakening something inside of him. He had hazy, distinguishable bags under his eyes as if he hadn’t rested for days and was riding on pure instinct.

His gaze didn’t falter. He didn’t look away as most people would. This man stuck his gaze on him, showing no sign of backing down. Beomgyu cowered under the nerve-wracking stare. He felt exposed, as if his fears and insecurities were floating atop his head without his permission.

The mans face was dull and fully relaxed, dry, cracked lips resting in place. His skin had seemed clearly uncared for, blotches if scabs and bumps littered over his cheeks and forehead. He wore discordant clothes, appearing as if he couldn’t care less with what he wore. What the world saw him as. His body was slim, muscles feeble and joints thin.

He had uneven stubble growing on his jaw and his hair seemed moments away from snapping off with how dry it looked. He appeared young judging by his stance, yet the gravelling look made him seem twenty years older. It struck Beomgyu to his core.

He’d never seen someone so detached from reality. So visibly _lost_.

Beomgyu felt like the breath was knocked out of his chest, genuinely stricken by the contradictory vitality from the boy. He didn’t even appear hostile nor sorry for his disturbing behaviour.

Still, it didn’t water down the sizzling anger Beomgyu felt for knocking into them without concern. He took a step forward to suitably confront him despite the doubt and fear he homed. What was he even supposed to say to a man who seemed to feel nothing? Would he even fight back?

Beomgyu couldn’t get far, though. One step in and he felt a soft hand enclosing around his wrist, long fingers cautiously holding him back. 

The action immediately grounded him, bringing him back to his senses. It drained him down to the last drop of his malice. He peered back at Taehyun who was still crouched down, cradling the camera in one arm and holding his wrist back with his free hand. The younger looked at him in the eyes with a sincere look.

“It’s okay, hyung,” Taehyun spoke softly, eyes pleading at him to trust him. 

Easily, Beomgyu let down his guard, shoulders dropping at the look he’d gotten.

Taehyun rose, still holding onto his wrist softly. “It’s okay, sir. No harm was done,” Taehyun bowed swiftly, much to Beomgyu’s distaste, “have a nice day.”

“What?” Beomgyu gaped, furrowing his eyebrows and glaring at the younger boy. 

The man scoffed, the first authentic response the two had gotten from him. Beomgyu looked to him, alarmed, and watched as his lazy eyes trailed to where his and Taehyun’s hands were joined, especially lingering on his one heart. 

Beomgyu felt self-conscious under his gaze, supremely uncomfortable with how long he gazed at his hearts. 

“Foolish,” he grumbled, almost inaudible. His voice was monotone and gravelly which sent shivers throughout Beomgyu's body, making it impossible to distinguish what he was trying to initiate. With that meager remark, he turned and continued on his way, movements sluggish and indolent.

Beomgyu let out a breath of relief he didn’t know he was holding in.

Taehyun sighed, dropping Beomgyu’s wrist and taking the warmth with him. 

“Is your camera okay?” Beomgyu hurriedly asked, seeing no extreme damage. At least it wasn’t in pieces.

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s fine,” Taehyun brushed him off, expressed disheartened, “the lens is really cracked, though. I’ll have to get it fixed.”

“Let me pay for it,” Beomgyu offered in an instant, “I’m the one that dropped it.”

“I can’t ask you to do that, hyung,” Taehyun grimaced, “I’ll save up for the repair. I’ll have it done by the end of the month.”

_End of the month?_

Why would it take so long for him to work up the money to pay?

Beomgyu frowned, “That’s so far away,” he stated, confused, “and you have your concept thing today. Let me pay for it, Taehyun. I swear it’s no problem.”

Taehyun looked at him with tired, solemn eyes. It looked like a heavyweight was lifted off of his back. “Thank you.”

“Why did you do that?” Beomgyu disputed once they started walking again. “Why did you hold me back?”

Taehyun flinched, refusing to meet his eyes. “That man had no hearts, Beomgyu.”

Beomgyu almost halted dead in his tracks, heart plummeting down to the depths of his body at the information. He spontaneously felt sick to his stomach, body dizzying and slowing down. His mind desperately jumped and grasped at unhealthy conclusions, clouding everything.

How did he not notice that? Why didn’t he check?

_Would he turn out like that?_

He felt nauseated at the thought, heart lagging down to an uneven and notched beat in his chest. His memory hazed with the vivid look the man so readily gave him, the one that had disrupted something in him. He knew something was wrong, but the fact that he had been stripped of love— of _emotion_ was the last thing on his mind.

His vision began blurring, eyes burning as tears began glossing over them. They threatened to spill over his face and display his worry to everyone around him.

Beomgyu had never met someone with no hearts. He didn’t expect it to be so wrecking. So _scarring._

The fact that he was on his last heart made it untenable for him to feel pity for the man. He couldn’t consider anything other than himself. His _fate_. It wouldn’t have affected him if he didn’t believe he was next in line for such a future. 

He was fucking afraid.

His hands had started shaking. 

Would he meet the same inevitable conclusion? Would he lose all his love and devotion for everything including _himself_?

He realized then that he wouldn’t only lose the people around him, but he’d lose himself, too.

He’d lose the self-love he’d spent years constituting and perfecting. He’d waste the devotion and consideration he had for himself, leaving him wrung and empty. He’d stop tending to his needs, leaving his body to rot from the inside back to the out without a single care.

All it took was one more heartbreak. One more heart break to rob him of his life. 

“Beomgyu-hyung?” Taehyun’s voice called to him, concerned. He laid a delicate hand onto his shoulder, hindering them from advancing. “Beomgyu, are you okay? Breathe.”

_Breathe._

He concentrated on his ragged breath, unaware of when he’d started breathing irregularly. Beomgyu gulped down the air, rapidly blinking back his tears and tired coming back to where he was needed.

His hands had stopped trembling and he recaptured his focus. 

Taehyun was stood in front of him, eyes filled to the brim with apprehension. He withdrew his hand in fear of crowding his space and further spurring his panic. Still, he stood close.

“You’re okay,” Taehyun heartened him. His voice was hushed, only for the two of them to hear. He didn’t directly speak of the matter, giving outside comfort instead. Beomgyu was grateful.

He didn’t know what he’d do if he fully spiraled.

“I’m okay,” he agreed, watching as Taehyun nodded along.

Taehyun seemed to know exactly what he wanted, deciding against asking what was happening. He simply tilted his head, inviting Beomgyu to walk with him again. 

Beomgyu took a few seconds to collect himself before voicing his concern. “Just because he doesn’t have any hearts doesn’t mean he doesn’t know basic human decency.”

“Yeah, it kind of does,” Taehyun spoke, the topic spiking at something inside of him. His voice was leaking with some sort of feigning malice, a type that completely set Beomgyu off.

“What?”

Taehyun kept his head down, fiddling with the camera. “No one outside of their circle gives two shits about people with no hearts. Everyone thinks they’ve brought it on theirselves and don’t offer any help,” he explained. Taehyun shook his head softly, scrunching his nose, “Or at least, that’s what I’ve heard.”

His voice held definite uncertainty.

Nervous, he played with the hem of his sleeves, making sure they concealed his pathetic, single heart.

Somehow, the encounter had contrived to slap Beomgyu back into reality, reminding him where he was and what he was doing in the first place. Reminding him of _why_ he was doing it. He was getting carried away. He had less than two months. _Focus._

They walked the rest of the way without mentioning it once.

* * *

“What’s on your mind?” Soobin offered, setting his phone down on his lap.

Beomgyu had asked the latter to come over to his dorm room. There wasn’t a critical reason for the request. He just necessitated some sort of comfort after the emotional turmoil and conflict he’d put himself through today, needing some sort of light just to ground him _one_ more time. To make sure he was seeing clearly.

Soobin had always been that person to Beomgyu.

When he came over to his dorm, he knew Beomgyu was looking for that feeling. He had brought over a few snacks and some games without being asked to.

Eventually, he knew he’d have to explain why he desperately needed Soobin.

“Taehyun and I met someone with no hearts today,” Beomgyu uttered from beside him. 

The statement seemed to arouse Soobin’s interest. “Really? What were they like?”

“Nothing.”

“Huh?” Soobin blanked.

“Literally _nothing_ ,” Beomgyu echoed, feeling the same anxiety begin to boil inside him, “It was like I was looking at the human form of _nothing,_ ” he mumbled, “he seemed empty.”

Soobin seemed shocked by the information, yet he didn’t further ask. He knew Beomgyu was concerned about himself with the way he held his wrist.

“Gyu, don’t think about it too much. You’re not going there,” Soobin persuaded him, voice gentle, “I won’t let you. You hear me? _I won’t let you.”_

What if he couldn’t control it?

Nonetheless, Beomgyu nodded, accepting his promise. He didn’t want to further touch upon it.

Later into the night, he got a text from Taehyun.

**kang taehyun:**

**my concept is “change”.**

**what the hell am i supposed to do with change?**


	5. Ponderous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the nice comments and the kudos !! i usually get my motivation to write from feedback so every comment is appreciated ♡

_“You think raccoons are cute? Hey, you’re cuter.”_

Beomgyu couldn’t perceive why the two weren’t dating. The two being his friends, Yeonjun and Soobin.

It wouldn’t add up. They both owned decent amounts of hearts, were genuinely good friends and, on top of that, were visibly comfortable with each other. Wasn’t that enough to give them the irrevocable push? What was holding them back?

Their back and forth game had been going on for a little over a year and Beomgyu wasn’t certain with how Soobin had managed to keep it in. How he had been able to conceal everything he was so clearly feeling had remained a mystery. It was tortuously obvious how the boy was flustered by the older, yet he initiated no change. _Neither_ of them did.

Soobin always had his eyes on Yeonjun, his expression affectionate as his soft gaze spelt out his love for him. His mere presence was enough to ease him. It showed he was willing to wait, no matter how long it was.

Their display made Beomgyu wonder what it was like to be in love yet again. What it was like to share those fleeting, feathering touches, hardly there. To subtly have your heart pick up its pace when that specific person looks your way. He pondered over what it would be like to home the rush of adrenaline from the most trivial of actions having tremendous effects. To be loved in that way.

He never possessed a sweet love like that. Maybe he had, but what was once his most enamoured memories had morphed into things he frantically wanted to forget. He didn’t need a wicked repeat.

All of a sudden, he felt displeased and annoyed with himself. He felt angry for thinking of love— of _weakness_ so frequently throughout the last few days. Up until a while ago, he never thought twice about what it would be like if he had fallen once again. He never thought of love as a _whole_. He never had a problem with it nor had it crossed his mind all that much. It was never an obstacle in his life ever since his last relationship.

_What had changed?_

It was like a switch had abruptly flipped and the thought of being _someones_ was carved irritatingly in his mind. As if everything he’d so desperately dodged and avoided had barged back in and sat down, refusing to get back up. No matter what he’d do he would eventually think back to the unattainable possibilities. 

It wasn’t that he _wanted_ it. It was all a jumble of ‘ _what if’._

Still, it didn’t make him resent it any less.

“Gyu,” Yeonjun beckoned him from the opposite side of the table. He was sitting beside Soobin, their shoulders brushing despite the broad scope of the booth, “how’s the bet going?”

“It’s going,” Beomgyu grumbled, mood foul from his mess of thoughts. 

Yeonjun clicked his tongue, brushing back his brown hair. “No, I mean, is he into you yet?”

“I don’t know,” he mumbled, fiddling with his glass. He didn’t think Taehyun was, but he didn’t feel the need to express it. “He hasn’t shown signs or anything.”

“Maybe he’s good at hiding his feelings,” Yeonjun smirked, egging him on.

Soobin poked Yeonjun's side, an exaggerated frown playing at his lips, “Why are you feeding into his ego?” he pouted, “You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“I know. I’m rooting for you, babe,” Yeonjun ridiculed, amused by how quickly Soobin’s face crimsoned at the pet name. To Beomgyu, it was quite revolting. What would the two be like if they were together when they acted like it now? “Still counting on that date.” 

Something in his voice had explicated that he was earnest. Still, Soobin had been entirely oblivious to the invitation, scoffing and turning his head away. His conscious had seemed absent despite the open words.

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, desperate to bypass another infuriating third-wheeling session. “Where’s Kai? Why is he so late?”

“He isn’t coming,” Yeonjun informed him, raising an eyebrow. “You didn’t know?”

Shaking his head, he frowned. “Why?”

Soobin piped up, voice wary. “He’s hanging out with Taehyun.”

“What?” Beomgyu gaped. Despite asking, he hadn’t expected that response. Something inside him had started burning, giving off a degrading feel. “He’s with Taehyun?”

Soobin nodded nonchalantly, “Yeah, he said he was going to spend some time with _‘taehyunnie_ ’,” he revealed, stressing on the nickname. 

Beomgyu grimaced at the use. He’d called him that _once_ over text, only to coax him, yet Hueningkai was already on nickname basis? How was it so easy for him?

He guessed Hueningkai was universally accepted by everyone. 

“Since when are they even friends?” Beomgyu voiced his distaste, suddenly jittery. “How did he befriend him so quick?”

“Are you jealous?” Yeonjun teased, undoubtedly understanding his body language.

_Jealous?_ Beomgyu felt envious often, but never for anything as trivial as this. He homed the feeling for drastic things, ones that would greatly benefit him if he possessed them. It started with a hollow feeling gnawing at his chest only to grow and push him to act on it.

_Was he feeling that now?_

“No,” Beomgyu immediately shot him down, his defences coming into action faster than his common sense, “jealous of _what_? Taehyun and I are already friends. I just don’t want Kai to find out.”

“Okay, sure, Gyu,” Yeonjun grinned, voice spirited. He had the type of personality where he’d exaggerate any topic despite knowing its authenticity. He meant no harm, Beomgyu just had to remind himself that. “Have you even properly flirted with him?”

“Uh,” Beomgyu looked down, “no.”

He’d tried to be subtly lowkey with his approach towards Taehyun, certainly stalling his rate on this race. He hadn’t made any drastic moves or even fitly initiated any romantic interest. Beomgyu wasn’t sure he knew _how._

“Soobin already won at this rate,” Yeonjun joked, resting his hand on Soobin’s leg. The boy's face coloured a vivid pink at the movement, ducking his face in an attempt to cloak the blush.

“Give me a while,” Beomgyu groused, “I’ll have him wrapped around my finger.”

Yeonjun shrugged, not wholly buying the promise. Either way, he dismissed the conversation, sparking up a new justification to call Soobin cute.

While the two resumed their measly banter, Beomgyu was decided he was determined to attain the upper hand on their bet. Yeonjun’s words had seemed to warn him of the ticking clock he had looming over his head. 

The boy wasn’t _wrong_. He’d made no progress. They were friends but that label meant nothing towards the bigger picture.

Frustrated, he fiddled with his phone under the table before deciding to text him. He’d have to make his own progress.

_—:_

_hi taehyun!!_

_if you’re free today, do u want to hang out?_

_ive got nothing to do_

_well i have some assignments but i’m looking for an excuse to further procrastinate so_

**kang taehyun:**

**you should work on those assignments, hyung.**

_—:_

_they aren’t due for a while !!_

_like... next week_

**kang taehyun:**

**that’s close.**

**you're going to regret not doing it.**

_—:_

_i knooow but i’ll cross that road when i get there_

_please >: _

**kang taehyun:**

**hmm**

**i’ll hang out with you if you agree to work on your assignment.**

**i have some work to do too so we could just**

**work on our stuff together, i guess.**

_—:_

_): < _

_that’s no fun!!!!_

**kang taehyun:**

**no one said college was fun, beomgyu.**

_—:_

_not unless you make it be_

_fine i’ll work on the stupid assignment >: _

_you can come to my dorm and we can work there_

_maybe order some food_

**kang taehyun:**

**sounds good to me.**

_—:_

_i’ll send over my address_

**kang taehyun:**

**i’ll see you, hyung.**

* * *

Taehyun had arrived not less than two hours ago, a backpack filled to the brim with papers and several books. Beomgyu didn’t think he was _serious_ about them studying together, hoping to throw away the work after a few minutes and call it a day. 

Clearly, the younger had other ideas, adamant on the older doing his work. After a while of protests, he finally convinced the older to try work on his things. Taehyun was sat on his couch, seemingly imprinting the words on his book into his mind. Beomgyu took for the floor beside the coffee table, his guitar resting idly beside him with his laptop on the other side.

It wasn’t an awkward experience. Beomgyu actually found himself getting more done in someone else’s presence. 

Meanwhile, after a rough hour, Taehyun seemed to be nodding off, losing interest as time passed. In all honesty, the boy seemed fatigued from the minute he stepped into the dorm, body slagging with each movement. Beomgyu wasn’t sure if he had classes earlier which might’ve drained him of his energy, but he looked moments away from passing out.

Taehyun was leaning his head in his hand, elbow resting on the armrest. He had his textbook sprawled over his lap, unused. His eyes were fluttering closed, an attempt to stay awake unmistakably shown.

“How’s the camera?” Beomgyu disputed, already bored with his music theory assignment. He'd strived to catch his attention, watching as he blinked repeatedly as if he was processing the question. 

“It’s still at the repair place, but it’ll be fine,” Taehyun returned after recollecting himself, mindlessly flipping a few pages as if he were genuinely paying attention in the first place. Beomgyu had to stop himself from giggling at his sleepy state. “Thank you, again, for paying.”

“Ah, it’s okay,” Beomgyu shook his head, setting down his notepad, “you don't have to thank me.”

Taehyun seemed to ponder on a thought before speaking softly. “Are you feeling okay?”

Beomgyu took a pause, raising an eyebrow at the younger boy. He wasn’t the one nodding off, nor did he feel out of place. What was he concerned about? “Yeah, of course,” he reassured him, lips pulled into a frown, “why?”

“Uh, it’s just,” Taehyun shrugged, looking towards him with solicitude, “I was wondering after what happened a few days ago, you know? You seemed really… shaken.”

Their encounter with the heartless man. Beomgyu’s state of panic.

Of course, he hadn’t forgotten. Why would he? Beomgyu himself couldn’t shake the lingering feeling that had been handed to him that day. He wasn’t sure if he ever would.

No matter how many times he tried to reassure himself otherwise, he felt he was looking in a mirror when he faced the man. Not one which showed his current state, but one that displayed where he’d eventually wound up. It was driving him mad.

“Oh,” he stammered, fiddling with his fingers.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn't have asked,” Taehyun shook his head, already taking notice of the gravity the topic held. “We dont have to talk about it.”

“It’s fine— _I’m fine_. Don’t worry about it. I've already forgotten," he lied.

Taehyun nodded at that, facing his book once again. Beomgyu didn’t feel the need to get back to his work, instead deciding on trying to read the neutral expression the younger was sporting.

Beomgyu watched as his eyes scanned the page, moving across each line delicately before they trailed off yet again. His eyelids were dropping, long, thick eyelashes fanning delicately over his freckled cheeks.

His features were soft yet defining, pink lips pursed daintily. Faint red hair was falling feebly over his eyes, slightly messy and curling naturally. His freckles were dusted over his cheeks, almost indistinguishable unless you really pay attention.

Beomgyu wasn’t sure if he’d ever seen someone so truthfully pretty.

Instantaneously, he shook his head free of those thoughts. This was the reason he was getting absolutely nowhere.

“Are you tired?” Beomgyu interrogated despite knowing the answer.

Taehyun regained his attention at that, scoffing tiredly. “Is it that obvious?” he smiled, rubbing his eye.

“I mean, you seem really out of energy,” Beomgyu grinned, satisfied when the younger finally shut the huge textbook.

“I am,” Taehyun groaned, running his hands through his hair repeatedly, “I was out working late last night.”

“You have a job?” Beomgyu wondered aloud, surprised by the slip of information. How did he even have time for a job with the hoard of classes he had?

Taehyun’s hands had stopped moving, pausing midway. His abrupt change of movement had suggested he didn’t mean for the fact to be let out, an accident pursued by his tired mind. 

“Uh, yeah,” he shrugged, “it’s just a side thing for some extra money, I guess.” 

“What do you work as?”

“Gym receptionist,” Taehyun informed him, voice closed off. He paused before adding, “Sometimes I tutor. Only for a few people in my classes and…” he trailed off, trying to collect his thoughts, “yeah, just some side jobs,” he muttered instead.

His stance and tone had insinuated he didn’t want to further explain, mildly uninterested in the topic and slightly awkward. He wasn’t mentioning something.

Beomgyu didn’t further touch upon it, a silent understanding his way. 

“You can take a nap if you want,” he proposed instead.

“Here?” Taehyun scrunched his nose. “No, that’s okay, hyung. I’ll just sleep early today.”

Beomgyu picked himself up from the floor, “Come on, Tyun,” he tested, satisfied when the younger boys eyes slightly widened at the nickname, “better to get some rest now than to be tired the whole day.”

Taehyun seemed unconvinced, watching Beomgyu with his soft doe eyes as he manoeuvred around the room. The elder reached for a remote before setting himself on the couch, a safe distance away from Taehyun. 

“We can watch something,” he suggested, already switching on a streaming site, “I’ll put something on. When you feel like sleeping just tell me,” he suggested.

“Okay,” Taehyun finally gave in, setting his things onto the coffee table and getting comfortable.

Beomgyu put on a movie he’d already watched, giving it little to no mind. He expected the younger to go through with at least half before voicing his tiredness. 

Only, Taehyun hadn’t lasted even ten minutes. 

Before the real storyline had been showcased, the younger boy was out cold. His head was nestled uncomfortably on the head of the couch, chest rising and falling steadily. His lips were parted slightly, his eyes screwed shut.

Beomgyu grinned at the sight, a nostalgic perception playing at his chest even though he’d never experienced this said moment. Nevertheless, it sparked a warm familiar feeling only for it to feel foreign at the same time. 

“Taehyun, hey,” Beomgyu spoke softly, touching his shoulder as not to startle him to wake, “you need to lie down properly. You’ll wake up sore.”

The red-haired boy mumbled something incoherent, showing no sign of actually comprehending his words. 

“Hey, wake up,” Beomgyu chuckled, delicately fixing his red hair as he brushed it away from his eyes with the tips of his fingers. 

Taehyun barely cracked his eyes open, sparing a single look his way. He leaned into his touch subtly, barely awake. Beomgyu’s heart picked up its pace at the small, almost insignificant play, beating abnormally against his chest. 

The younger met his eyes for a second before diving down to rest his head on Beomgyu’s lap instead, unbeknownst to the effect the small action had on him. In seconds, he was back in his sleep in a much more comfortable position.

For a while, the older simply sat there, waiting. For what? He didn’t know. He expected Taehyun to sit up yet he made no indication that he’d actually move. 

Beomgyu didn’t know what he was waiting for when he asked Taehyun to come over, but it certainly wasn’t this. His mind was a jumbled mess of thoughts and he couldn’t tell why.

There was that unusual pitter against his chest again.

Nothing was out of the ordinary with what was happening yet he couldn’t figure out what to do.

What could he do anyway?

His movements were restricted with the human weight resting on him, rooting him to place. It was definitely out of character, but, either way, he couldn’t bring himself to wake him up.

Funnily enough, he found himself tempted to run his fingers through the mess of red hair. _Was it as soft as it looked?_

He couldn’t fathom if it’d wake the younger up and spark an awkward conversation. One that would set him back miles away from his goal. Was his goal even his main concern right now? Still, he didn’t know where to put his hand. He couldn’t tell if he’d be crossing a line or doing any good.

Without further thinking, he tentatively rested his hand over Taehyun’s head, gently caressing. Taehyun didn’t stir in his sleep at the action. In fact, once Beomgyu worked the courage to card his fingers through the red strands, the boy further relaxed. He worked them slowly, gradually building in confidence.

The younger’s body had been tense all over and, at Beomgyu’s touch, he seemed to lose all that pent up tension, easily flowing out of his body. His chest rose and fell steadily, fully relaxed under his touch.

Beomgyu unknowingly smiled, twirling his fingers in his curls. It was a solemn smile, one he tried to keep down only for it to fight its way back. His hair was exactly how he’d imagine it to feel. It was well kept, cloudy soft and felt natural under his touch, grounding him completely.

Taehyun didn’t wake despite the feeling. It seemed he hadn’t rested for weeks with the way he was so deep into his sleep.

The elder settled for letting him rest on his lap. He wouldn’t wake him for now. Instead, he senselessly watched the film, his hand raking through the fluffy locks rhythmically.

* * *

Inevitably, Beomgyu had to move. His leg had grown numb under the weight and the same position had grown uncomfortable.

He managed to slip a pillow under his head instead, amused by how easily Taehyun cuddled into the cushion spontaneously. His curly hair had sprawled over the pillow, cheek pressed and squishing against it. 

Beomgyu thought he looked completely at ease. He looked _sweet_.

At the sudden spark of the thought, he felt the need to occupy himself in attempt to rid of it. He busied himself with his assignment, allowing the boy to further rest. He didn’t entirely mind it. Authentically speaking, he felt partially delighted that Taehyun had agreed to rest despite not being able to develop their relationship.

Still, he felt like he was getting _nowhere_. Beomgyu didn’t know what to do with himself at this point.

In an attempt to keep his mind busy, he jumped to order food. The day was advancing slowly and he’d grown hungry and wanted to divert his attention to prevent wherever his mind could go.

Within less than half an hour, the food arrived and he was back on the couch, guitar in hand. He was strumming mindless chords, playing a few tunes before realising he was making no progress. 

Not only in his assignment, but in the bet, too. He didn’t know what he was thinking when he challenged Soobin like that. 

He decided not to dwell on it. Hastily, he placed his guitar down and moved to crouch in front of Taehyun, who was still sleeping soundly. 

Beomgyu placed his hand on his shoulder gingerly, shaking softly. “Taehyun?” he tested, tapping him again when he got no response, “Tyun, hey, wake up. It’s getting late.”

“Time?” Taehyun spoke with a husky, groggy voice, barely opening his eyes. His lips formed a natural pout, face still squished on the pillow.

“Almost seven,” Beomgyu grinned when he was finally met with the familiar warm eyes. He couldn’t hold the eye contact.

“I slept for _that_ long?” he queried, trying to blink away the sleepiness as he squinted against the light.

“Yeah, you were out cold,” Beomgyu giggled. 

Taehyun seemed to still be half asleep. He hadn’t entirely regained his conscious despite having both his eyes slightly opened. Beomgyu realised that when he caught the younger staring at him, gaze never faltering. The younger watched his lips intently as he talked, eyes running over his face repeatedly.

Beomgyu cowered under the gaze, face warming an unusual heat.

“I ordered some food,” he blurted, catching Taehyun’s attention. The boy seemed to wake at that, recollecting himself and finally sitting up.

As Beomgyu prepped their meals, Taehyun scanned the disregarded books and materials, huffing disappointedly. “I barely got anything done.”

“At least you got a decent sleep,” Beomgyu handed him his food and a pair of chopsticks, “that’s something.”

Taehyun laughed at that, shaking his head, “First time in a long time.”

Beomgyu didn’t question it.

They fell into an easy conversation after that, basking in each other’s company. Although the topic required minimal attention, Beomgyu found himself drifting astray every so often. He kept getting distracted by little things.

It wasn’t his fault, though.

It wasn’t his fault Taehyun looked considerably smaller in his oversized t-shirt, body barely framed by the baggy cloth. He was practically swimming in the fabric. It wasn’t his fault that the boy's red hair was situated haywire, curly strands standing and pointing outwards cutely.

It wasn’t on him. He had nothing to do with the fact that he kept getting distracted with how soft Taehyun had looked at the exact moment.

He couldn’t blame himself for watching as his soft-looking hands work at the utensils. He didn’t blame himself when he raked his eyes over his soft features, the soft glow of the room doing justice to highlight them.

He couldn’t blame himself, but he could feel bad about it. 

The two didn’t mention his sleeping position nor did they talk about Beomgyu playing with his hair. He wasn’t sure if the younger really knew but it might’ve stricken a cumbersome conversation.

After an agonising hour, Taehyun declared that he’d be leaving. It was already dark outside and his building was at quite a distance. Beomgyu readily let him leave, thanking him for agreeing to meet up.

As soon as he disappeared around the corner of the hallway, Beomgyu shut the door with a dejected sigh. He slid down the door, sitting on the floor with his face in his hands. His mind had been a continuous rollercoaster throughout the entire day, tiring him to the end.

He invited Taehyun over to advance with the bet due to Yeonjun’s concerns. Had he even done anything to his benefit? Beomgyu expected himself to swiftly flirt his way throughout the day, except he never brought himself to it.

Instead of voicing the compliments, he kept them to himself, having them linger in his mind. Unwillingly so.

He so often thought of Taehyun’s features ranging from his captivating eyes to his faint freckles. If it was so easy for him to think of these, why couldn’t he voice them? It made Beomgyu think he was good at flirting, but only in his head. Was that even a thing? He’d only thought of those with the intention to flirt with him, right?

It was a frustrating game and he felt like he was going in circles.


	6. Melancholy

As if he wasn’t behind enough before, Beomgyu was positive he was being put back a couple hundred steps.

Despite convincing himself that _he_ was the problem— that he was the cause of his lack of progress, he knew Taehyun was also a relevant factor. After they met up at his dorm, it seemed like the boy had vanished off the face of earth for the time being.

Beomgyu asked him if he was willing to hang out again—more times than he’d like to admit, really.

Each futile attempt was shot down with a dissimilar excuse by the latter. It made sense, though. Beomgyu couldn’t bring himself to blame him. It was the middle of the week and with the knowledge about his employment, the boy was surely occupied.

He was balancing both his two majors, one which was especially challenging. Along with that, he had his job. Beomgyu didn’t know how regularly he had his classes or how many days a week he had to show up to work, but he was sure it was a lot of pressure. He wasn’t certain how he was managing with such a weight on his shoulders. He would’ve crashed and burned out ages ago.

Not only had the boy busied himself during the week, but his timetable was completely scheduled all _weekend,_ too. He declared he had more work and had demands to tend to, but during the weekend it seemed unlikely. Was the gym even open during then?

Either way, he had close to no time to spare.

Maybe that was the reason behind his absence of dimmed hearts. Maybe he didn’t have the _time_ for devoting himself to someone else. It was a commendable trait. Beomgyu only wished he could get his superiorities straight and prioritize himself over someone else.

That was his enigma. The majority of his life was spent giving himself to other people. He put them soaring high on his list of importance while he was at the fleeting bottom. Beomgyu strived to satisfy others while he left himself discontent without a second thought. Rather than tending to his own matters, he spent his time consoling everyone else in fear they’d leave him.

Eventually, they all did.

His behaviour led him to his perpetual state of worry. If he had been insignificantly more careful—if he just had loved himself that much more, he wouldn’t be where he was. Maybe he would’ve been living stress-free. Maybe, then, his only anxieties would be because of his school work.

But that’s how his life worked. It was a mountain of _“what if I had done this differently”._ It was pools of regret, and he was drowning.

There was nothing he could do but let himself sink. What was the point in trying?

Nevertheless, a week after no progression, he’d finally jumped at the opening to see Taehyun again. He wasn’t sure if it was the desperation driving him so eagerly or if it was something else. Maybe there was a hidden motive, one other than redeeming whatever fragile self-esteem he had left.

He blamed the excitement on his aim. When he eventually got the chance handed to him, his week had seemed a lot more polished. It was for the bet, of course.

_Of course._

Taehyun stated he still had his photography assignment to work on. His concept was change, and he was still stuck, as he mentioned. Beomgyu proposed they met at a nearby park and try to find a motivational drive for him to hitch on.

“Do you usually struggle with concepts?” Beomgyu disputed as he absentmindedly picked at the grass. Taehyun was perched in front of him, sitting in a crisscross position. His supplies we’re diverged around his figure and he had a deflated expression painted on his face.

“No, not really,” he pouted, fiddling with the settings on his camera, “it usually clicks in seconds, but I have no idea what to do for this one.”

Beomgyu hummed, tilting his head. “Why don’t you just take pictures of different landscapes?” he recommended, “I mean, that’s kind of change?”

“It needs to be personal,” Taehyun scoffed, huffing, “at least, that’s what my professor said. She told me that it has to connect to a _personal_ change. Something that happened with me which alters my style,” he revealed with resentment subtly dripping from his voice. “It’s stupid.”

“Why stupid?” Beomgyu wondered aloud. “It sounds cool.”

“Because the concept has no solid guideline,” Taehyun addressed as if it was obvious. He placed his camera by his side and laid down, resting his head on his bag. The boy let out a frustrated sigh, gazing up to the sky. “I guess I just haven’t had any changes recently.”

Beomgyu felt for him. Feeling like you were getting nowhere with absolutely no beacons? Yeah, he was unmistakably familiar with the feeling. “Make a change then.”

Taehyun somewhat turned his head, peering at the elder with an amused look. “Yeah?” he tested. “What do you suggest?”

“I don’t know,” Beomgyu shrugged, vocalizing whatever came to his head first, “change your hair colour?”

“You don’t like the red?” Taehyun frowned playfully, bringing his hand up to the soft— _Beomgyu would know_ —locks and tousling his hair. He tossed at the curls, fluffing them up in a way that made him look more youthful.

Only then did Beomgyu discern the way the sun kissed his skin so deftly. It wasn’t a particularly sunny day, but it was enough to highlight his peculiarities. It heightened his freckles against his honey-dipped skin. His hair was of a wilted red, still, it glowed in contrast. As a result of messing it up, the strands fell over his eyes delicately, framing them. They were a shade lighter in the sun, showcasing earthy hues.

How many times would he be distracted by his visuals?

“I like it a lot,” Beomgyu blurted, voice coming out a little too eagerly. He noticed how Taehyun looked at him with an amused smile, one that was hardly showing.

There he was, on the spot once again.

“Okay, maybe get a pet and take pictures of it?” Beomgyu suggested instead, seizing at any opportunity to take the attention off of him.

He knew Taehyun could tell, but he didn’t make anything of it. “I don’t think my dorm building tolerates animals,” he shook his head. “I wouldn’t be able to take care of another living thing, anyway. I’m barely looking out for myself with my workload.”

Beomgyu grimaced at the statement, a dejected, disheartening feeling pooling into his chest at the notion of Taehyun overdoing himself. It troubled him for a reason unbeknownst to him. He felt the need to remind the younger to take care of himself, to give himself a break and take a moment to breathe.

He couldn’t bring himself to it, though. Beomgyu feared his own interest. Why was he worried? This wouldn’t matter in the span of a few months, so why should he stress over it? He felt that if he voiced his concerns, they would hold more weight than he’d let on. Not to Taehyun, but himself.

He couldn’t let himself feel.

“How about a new piercing?” he supplied, “or, wait, a tattoo!”

“Tattoos?” Taehyun snickered.

“Yeah, that’s a _huge_ change,” Beomgyu conversed animatedly, sure of the new idea. “You don’t have any tattoo’s, do you?”

“No, I don’t,” Taehyun grinned, stretching out his arms upwards. Beomgyu’s eyes were trained on the five lustrous hearts. The ones he somehow neglected. “I don’t think I have the guts to get a tattoo. That shit doesn’t come off. What if you regret it?”

Beomgyu paused, recollecting himself, “You’ll never know if you don’t try," he stated, "sometimes you've got to take the chance."

“Yeah, I guess,” Taehyun agreed sedately, “I’ve always wanted one, though. I’m not sure what I would get if I did.”

“So, tattoos are off the list?”

“Yeah, definitely,” he chuckled. “The list is empty once again.”

“When’s the due date?” Beomgyu queried.

“Two months from now.”

Beomgyu scoffed, sitting up properly. “There’s still time,” he reassured him with more affirmation. “You’re smart, I’m sure you’ll think of someone.”

“Why do you think I’m smart?” Taehyun looked his way again, eyebrows raised. Beomgyu marveled at the way his eyes sparkled.

He avoided his gaze, jeering as he proceeded to pick at the grass. He couldn’t bring himself to hold eye contact. Somehow it was easier to talk to him when he _wasn’t_ looking his way. “You take _molecular biology_. That says it all, Hyun.”

“Doesn’t mean I’m smart,” Taehyun bit back, keeping his eyes levelled on the older boy.

“Hey, don’t say that,” Beomgyu scolded, chucking the handful of grass his way. Taehyun giggled at the action, eyes forming tactful crescents as his laughter saturated the atmosphere. Beomgyu looked back to the ground, chest warming. “Give yourself more credit. You’re holding up really well.”

“Thanks, I’ll work on it,” Taehyun mumbled through his smile, dusting off his shirt.

“Come on,” Beomgyu abruptly jumped to his feet, offering a hand, “let’s find something that might inspire you.”

Taehyun beamed, taking his hand to hoist himself up. That second of fleeting contact had Beomgyu hoping that _maybe_ he wouldn’t let go.

To his distaste, Taehyun still had to collect his equipment for their diminutive venture. He couldn’t bring himself to convince his subconscious that he wouldn’t have let go otherwise. It was a stupid thought.

Why was he even hoping for that? Beomgyu told himself he was hoping for some progress and this would’ve been a deciding factor. _Everything he was thinking was for the bet._

Taehyun packed his things and tilted his head as an invitation for the two to walk. Beomgyu was still stuck in his head, though.

His thoughts were a myriad of puzzle pieces. The catch was that the picture was one solid colour which made it close to impossible for him to order them and put them together. He recognised the fact that a part of him was thinking contrarily of Taehyun, yet the other part was urging him to swallow down those fleeting thoughts and drown them. Beomgyu was having a mental dispute with his feelings and it was so tiring.

“This is a nice spot,” Taehyun drew him back to his senses, bringing them both to a halt.

Beomgyu was too absorbed in his own internal conflict to really drink in the area around them. With a start, he browsed the scenery. A single look and he knew Taehyun had a thing for vivid colours in his work.

The sun was on its cascade close to the horizon, a brilliant red and orange spilling over the expanse of the sky. It was framed by numerous looming trees, colours a smoky dull grey shadowed by the light. The ground was littered with rich-hued flowers, giving a garish tropical feel. Alongside the path was a measly bench, the wood a faded scarlet red.

It had a hazy, tranquil kind of aura to it, almost romantic, at that.

“Yeah, it’s nice,” Beomgyu agreed absentmindedly.

He followed him until Taehyun located a spot he was satisfied with and sat down on the grass by his things. Taehyun started setting up his equipment, bringing up his tripod and fixing its position.

Beomgyu just watched him, marvelling, once again, over how skillfully Taehyun was handling his camera. His passion and legitimate enthusiasm for the subject was admiring yet he didn’t know the full story behind it.

It hit him that he didn’t know _a lot_ about Taehyun. Other than a few meagre interests and his age, he was still in the dark about so many things. Did he even know his birthday? His favourite colour?

How was he supposed to get where he needed when he barely knew much about him?

Yet, even though his list of facts about him was inadequate, he felt so close to him. Quite frankly, Beomgyu felt he could spill all his secrets and desires right then and there. Taehyun gave off that comforting feel but he couldn’t tell if it was reciprocated. Taehyun didn’t tell him much unless he was pointedly asked. Even then, he avoided speaking of himself.

It made him a bit uneasy. Beomgyu didn’t provide that kind of comfort, did he?

“This’ll be a nice shot,” Taehyun, once again, grounded him—without even acknowledging it. He was fiddling with the settings, occupied as he looked through the lens.

Beomgyu took it as an excuse to really study him; when he wasn’t looking back.

“Why do you never take pictures of people?” Beomgyu asked him, admiring the honey light giving his skin a golden glow.

Taehyun gave him a single glance before turning back to his camera with a smile. “Would you believe me if I said it’s just easier to do landscapes?”

“I know it’s not that simple,” Beomgyu shook his head, trying to fight down a mirroring grin.

“In a way, it is,” Taehyun shrugged, taking a single picture before speaking again. “Scenery photography is versatile as much as it is challenging. With the right exposure or depth of distance, you can portray _so much._ It’s easier to capture the specific vibe you’re looking for with just the positioning.”

Beomgyu solely nodded, the words barely processing. His mind was elsewhere.

Taehyun continued, “With people, it’s different. The photographer has to showcase them in a certain way to get their message through,” he explained, shaking his head, “it’s like you’re trying to portray your own emotions through someone else. I just don’t think it’s worth the effort since you can never _fully_ express what you want through other people.”

“Makes sense,” Beomgyu acknowledged.

The two continued a humble conversation as Taehyun worked, snapping multiple pictures. As time progressed, he seemed to grow more agitated, frown becoming deeper. He’d take a few shots, look at them for a second before shaking his head and going for another.

“How’re they turning out?” Beomgyu stood up, peeking over his shoulder.

“They’re not as full as I thought they’d be,” Taehyun muttered, unsatisfied as he flickered through the gallery of pictures. “Something is missing.”

Beomgyu shrugged, barely seeing the difference between the multiple shots. “I think they look great.”

“It doesn’t scream _change,”_ he lamented, raising his head to scan the area as if there was something he could shift. He looked at Beomgyu for a second before nodding. “Uh, could you sit at the end of that bench?”

“Okay?” Beomgyu uttered with uncertainty, going for the seat. Taehyun dove for his bag, rummaging through it quickly before pulling out a small, dense book.

He handed it to Beomgyu, seemingly just as lost as he was. “Pretend you’re reading this.”

“Sure,” Beomgyu nodded, flipping to a random page.

Taehyun jogged back to his position behind the camera and Beomgyu took his position. He waited for the shutter of the device, yet it never came. Before he could ask, Taehyun was back, kneeling in front of him.

He lifted his hand without warning and began running his fingers through Beomgyu’s hair a few innovative times, repositioning it entirely. The red-haired boy was completely fixated on his task, oblivious to the shaken boy he was tending to.

Beomgyu held his breath, taken aback by the unexpected proximity that they held. If it weren’t for Taehyun’s face being so close to his, he would’ve been able to recollect himself. He felt his ears warm an unfamiliar heated warmth under his touch. His lips were parted, fingers clutching onto the cover of the book just a little bit tighter. No matter how hard he tried, his gaze was stuck, fixated on Taehyun’s eyes. It was like he was under his spell, mind clogging with only thoughts of _him_.

“Is this okay?” Taehyun worried aloud, meeting his eyes.

This time, Beomgyu didn’t look away. “Yeah, of course,” he smiled weakly, voice breathy.

With that affirmation, Taehyun zipped back to his equipment. Beomgyu kept his head down, trying to regulate his breathing back to a steady pace as his eyes fixated on the words. None of them were being processed. He had a hard time staying still.

After what seemed like hours, Taehyun gave him the go signal.

“It’s good now,” Taehyun smiled, seemingly satisfied. “It’s a start.”

Beomgyu wasn’t in a place to judge. He wasn’t sure if he was even mentally present in their conversation with the way the words flew over his head and the only thing he could think about was _him._

* * *

“Hey, why haven’t you confessed to Yeonjun yet?”

Beomgyu had invited Soobin over once again, necessitating that familiar stress relief. Truth be told, he had a growing headache with the explosive overthinking he was doing.

“Enough teasing me, Gyu,” Soobin whined, fingers punching at the buttons on his remote control. “I get it. I do.”

“No, really, why haven’t you?” Beomgyu repeated, losing interest in the game they were playing. For some agonising reason, the thought had been irritatingly bugging him for a while. He just wanted some sort of familiarity with what was going on.

Truthfully, he wasn’t even _sure_ if something was going on in the first place.

Soobin didn’t answer him, rolling his eyes playfully at the inquiry as he concentrated on the game. They rarely had this discussion, but when they would, it was always light-hearted and ended with excessive teasing from Beomgyu’s side. That’s what Soobin assumed it was this time, like _all_ times.

Except, Beomgyu’s words had added weight to them now more than ever.

In a split second, a demeaning tune had sounded from the game, indicating their loss. Beomgyu watched, unamused as the bold, red letters which spelt “ _Game Over”_ painted the room.

“Ah, come on,” Soobin groaned, looking towards Beomgyu who was _supposed_ to be their lookout. He was met with an expectant look and he knew the youngers mind was still with the question. Soobin sighed, deflating as he set his remote down. “You know why I haven’t confessed.”

“You’re scared he doesn’t like you back,” Beomgyu dictated, growing frustrated when Soobin nodded in agreement. “Come on, you can’t be that dense. You know he _does._ ”

“So what if he does?” Soobin shrugged, not convinced with the words he was hearing. “That isn’t enough to make me confess.”

“ _Why not?_ ” Beomgyu emphasised on his terms. “What’re you really afraid of? It’s tiring.”

Soobin looked his way, confusion clearly homing his expression. “Why are you so adamant on me confessing all of a sudden?”

“I’m just wondering.”

“I’m going to wait it out a bit longer, I guess,” Soobin muttered, “I don’t want to rush anything and lose him.”

“You won’t lose him,” Beomgyu shot him down without missing a beat. “You’ve waited enough.”

“How can you be so sure?” he doubted, each word laced with even more perplexion than the last.

“Why don’t you take a chance when you have it?” Beomgyu confronted, his words coming out with more malice and bitterness than he intended.

Soobin didn’t reply for a while, trying to read his expression. The confusion painted on his face began dropping, replaced by one with worry. He knew what this was about. “Beomgyu…”

“Really, you have the chance,” Beomgyu continued, throat closing up by the wave of desperation that hit him. “You have the hearts for it— you _both_ have enough hearts, so _why not_? Why don’t you just go up to him and kiss him? What’s there to lose? Stop fucking dancing around each other and just go for it.”

Soobin paused, seemingly revising his words. “Love isn’t all about our hearts, Beomgyu. You haven’t forgotten that, right?”

“What?” Beomgyu gaped as if wounded Soobin would accuse him of that. “Of course, I know that. That’s not what I’m saying—“

“It’s exactly what you’re saying and we both know it,” Soobin interrupted him, growingly increasingly frustrated with the meaningless of the conversation. “Just because someone isn’t one heartbreak away from…” he drifted off, trying to find the right words—the _least_ hurtful ones—to explain. He couldn’t. “It doesn’t mean you jump at any chance to get into a relationship.”

“Yeah, but—“

“What is this _really_ about, Gyu?” Soobin cut him off again.

“Nothing! There’s nothing,” Beomgyu was quick to reply, voice shaking, “I’m just curious as to _why_ you haven’t asked him out when you have _nothing_ to lose. Get out of your head.”

“Nothing to lose?” Soobin repeated, taking the words to heart. “Beomgyu, I have _so much_ to lose if it goes downhill. Having an extra heart doesn’t make me invincible to heartbreak. What if we were to get together and it doesn’t work out? Then I’ve lost him.”

“What do you mean?” Beomgyu ridiculed. “You two are so gone for each other, it’ll be easy.”

“Come on, you know relationships aren’t easy. It isn’t all fucking sunshine and happy feelings," Soobin bit back, “ _You_ of all people should know that.”

Beomgyu glared, “What is that supposed to mean?”

“You know,” Soobin didn’t further explain. He only glanced at Beomgyu’s wrist, hoping the unspoken message would get through.

It did. And it felt really fucking bad.

“Why are you pushing me?” Soobin questioned once again, uncomfortable with the turn their night has taken.

“I’m trying to _help_ you,” Beomgyu recovered.

“Really?” Soobin jeered bitterly. “Because it seems like you’re trying to satisfy yourself.”

“What could I possibly gain out of this, hyung?” Beomgyu spoke hastily, unsure if he was trying to convince Soobin or reassure himself. He knew the argument had progressed passed its original intention and that he should back down, but, as expected, he couldn’t bring himself to it. He was petty like that.

“I don’t know,” the elder replied with an exasperated voice. “Maybe if you just would just _talk_ to me and tell me what’s wrong then we could find out why you’re being so inconsiderate right now.”

“I’m not inconsiderate,” Beomgyu finalised. The last thing he wanted was to be labelled with that word. The people he met and trusted were inconsiderate of _him._ He wasn’t like them.

But really, who was he trying to convince? His motives weren’t exactly pure either. He might as well become what he loathed.

“Take my feelings into consideration, _not_ my hearts,” Soobin scolded him.

“I am. You’re just letting this slip by you,” Beomgyu jeered, “you’re not—“

“Beomgyu, I only have _two_ left,” Soobin swiftly reminded him, voice much quieter and shaky than it was a few seconds ago. It was dripping with uncertainty and, most evidently, fear.

He knew that fear. Beomgyu might as well have been the human form of that word. It was a sensation he homed more times than he could count. How could he not? A wrong turn of heart and it was over for him. The thought of being let go was permanently tattooed in his mind, never letting him _truly_ rest.

The boy tried to convince himself that since his last heartbreak, he was fine with keeping to himself. That he was happy and willing to quite literally push everyone away. Who was he kidding?

He was trying to mask the fact that he desperately _wanted_ to find love again with that lie. It wasn’t to reassure everyone around him but to keep himself from acting on his instincts. He was shielding himself from his own actions and it was getting unbelievably exhausting.

When would he be able to get the chance to truly relax without the constant reminder that he was one mistake away from his demise?

He immediately regretted bringing the topic up with Soobin. The boy was probably just as afraid as he was if not _more_. Soobin was in love and he accepted the fact that he was putting himself at risk with that. If he was feeling anything that Beomgyu was, it must’ve been so hard to hear those words from his friend.

“I’m sorry,” Beomgyu backed down, regret replacing every bit of malice he held. He noticed then that Soobin’s eyes were tear-filled, threatening to spill over his cheeks at any moment. He was afraid, just like Beomgyu.

“I—I’m going to leave,” Soobin’s voice wavered, rapidly blinking away his tears. That was the problem with him. He bottled up everything he was feeling. Everything from the passion he felt to the hurt and fear he was constantly reminded of. Despite having people to talk to, he kept to himself until he would inevitably break.

Beomgyu knew he dreaded to burden the people around him. Soobin felt like it was his responsibility to look out for them instead of putting himself first. He oftentimes would never speak his concerns, letting himself battle whatever he was going through.

Beomgyu realised then that his friend was going through a lot more than he let on. He was letting whatever internal turmoil he had weigh on him tremendously, choosing to ignore them rather than to face them directly. It was tiring as much as it was difficult.

“I’ll see you,” Soobin mumbled, leaving for the door before Beomgyu could come up with a coherent justification. He shut the door behind him.

How could he not have noticed? Beomgyu kept his eyes trained on the floor, his eyes brimming with his own tears at the thought. He began fidgeting with his fingers, needing an outlet to stay distracted. His mind pooled with guilt, the feeling eating away at every other logical thought and blaming him for the lack of attention.

He constantly looked to Soobin for comfort, yet he didn’t give it back. What kind of person was he for that? The kind to take but never give. The kind that brought him to where he was in the first place.

It proved his initial thought. He was becoming what he despised.

And he fucking hated himself for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for 200 kudos! ♡ thank you for all the nice comments too i love hearing your theories :]


	7. Depreciation

Beomgyu didn’t know what he was doing wrong.

That was a lie.

The first of the numerous lies he was telling himself. He understood precisely what he was doing wrong and he was dealing with it by simply _not_ dealing with it. It was his constant, toxic coping mechanism. Could he even call that a coping mechanism? It wasn’t accommodating him with anything; in fact, the thought of him disregarding his problems only induced more pressure to them, making him feel even worse in his own body.

In a way, he felt he wasn’t himself anymore. As if his soul had likely withdrawn from his being. When did he change so drastically? When did he, of _all people,_ become the type to contest with others just to please himself?

Not only that, but it was also the fact that his comfort—his _home,_ was actively eluding him. Beomgyu was confident that Soobin was mad at him. Though, if you’d have asked Soobin if he was adorning that spiteful feeling, he would dismiss it.

Beomgyu knew him. He perceived he was the type to drive away any malicious principles or feelings and mask them with something lighter. Sometimes he wished Soobin would just walk up to him and scream ‘ _I fucking hate you for that’_ instead of trying to convince everyone that it wasn’t his true intention.

Except, it _was._ Beomgyu understood it. He knew it from the day after they fought when Soobin didn’t text him to check up on him. It was a casual task he’d do for almost everyone he knew, a mere ‘ _how are you?’_ every day. When he didn’t receive that familiar message, he knew he was in the wrong.

And if it wasn’t obvious enough, Yeonjun had outright stalked up to him and told him how shitty he’d been, because _of course,_ Soobin told him. The two had little to no secrets between them. Beomgyu was exhilarated that Soobin had someone like that since he failed so miserably to play that therapeutic role. He failed as a decent friend.

Of course, Yeonjun wasn’t solely angry with him. At most, he was disappointed. It didn’t make it any better, though. The elder didn’t make any effort to talk to him, leaving him to his own until he figured everything out. Beomgyu knew this was on him, but he couldn’t bring himself to get up and fix the damage he’d done.

He didn’t know how. He didn’t know where to start. He didn’t know if he _deserved_ the chance.

After a few days of no communication, Hueningkai texted him saying he was on his way and came beating at his door. Beomgyu dreaded opening it for him because he had the lingering feeling that he’d get another lecture. He didn’t _need_ another person to let him know how severely he’d acted. He was hard enough on himself.

With a heavy body and mind, Beomgyu dragged himself to the door, repeating an apology in his head that he could recite before he’d lash out on him.

“Kai, I know I fucked up with Soobin—“

He hugged him.

As soon as he’d creaked the door open and commenced his practised speech, Kai launched himself at Beomgyu, circling his arms around his shoulders and holding him tight. He didn’t say a word, hoping his intentions would be loud enough through his actions.

And they were. _God,_ they _were._

That was the first time he’d properly cried since his fourth heart faded.

As soon as Kai whispered ‘ _You’ll be okay’_ , the first tear fell and, after that, they wouldn’t stop coming. No matter how vigorously he tried to take it all back, he couldn’t. All he could do was let it tumble.

He cried because he couldn’t identify himself anymore when he stared in the mirror. Because, when he thought back to himself a little over a year ago, he was an entirely different person. He cried because he feared he was losing his best friend, their years of friendship feebly slipping through his fingers.

He cried because _something_ was going on with his heart every time he thought of Taehyun. Something he feared so greatly to the point where he blatantly refused to dwell on it.

And, most importantly, he cried because he was relieved he had _someone_ and it was so relieving.

“Hyuka,” Beomgyu paused, his chest homing a heavyweight, “am I a bad person?”

After spending almost an hour trying to calm himself down, he’d finally been able to form coherent sentences. Throughout it all, Kai listened. He waited patiently and offered the comfort he desperately needed. He offered a shoulder for Beomgyu to rest his head on and was entirely patient. Did Beomgyu deserve someone like him?

“Of course not,” Kai consoled him with scepticism in his voice. It didn’t swell from the pressing question but from seeing someone he looked up to become so dejected and discouraged. The one person he looked to for some sort of remedy on any heavy day was floating in clouds of self-doubt. It was unlike him. “Why would you think that?”

There were _so many reasons_ he could list off.

Really, Beomgyu had to swallow down the urge to chuckle at the absurdity of his actions. It wouldn’t be humour-filled but rather a hopeless one. Here he was, dwelling on himself. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason his head was overflowing with degrading thoughts nor could he find a way to feel less guilty.

Maybe there wasn’t one. At this point, he’d lost hope in _himself._ After coming to the woeful conclusion that he’d been living the last few years actively lying to himself, he really didn’t see the need to convince himself it would get better.

Who was he kidding? He was a college student with one heart. The matter was equivalent to having his entire future jerked from the fragile clutch of his fingers. He’d continue living in a perpetual state of fear and anxiety and would have to be wary of anyone he came across. Did he want to force himself to go through that tiring routine?

He didn’t have much to go on. Everything had come tumbling down so quickly as if the wall he’d built to hide him from reality was starting to crumble and he couldn’t put it back together. The identical portions were rapidly dispersing out of reach, making it impracticable to remember their original place.

He _was_ a bad person. Beomgyu was the worst version of himself that he could be. Despite his best friend trying to convince him otherwise, the words simply flew over his head. They felt like empty words to him, simple remedies given just to comfort him for the time being before it all came back.

The boy had so much to make up for but part of him still hadn’t accepted his faults. It ranged from his malicious intentions towards Taehyun to the unintentional distress he’d caused to Soobin. How could he put things back in place when he didn’t have the desire to put himself back together?

“It’s nothing…” Beomgyu deceived, refusing to drag him down with him. “I was just wondering.”

“Beomgyu-hyung,” Kai staggered, a frown playing at his lips, “please let go of that mind-set. You’re nothing like that. You’re a good person.”

“Yeah, okay,” Beomgyu uttered. His eyes felt as heavy as his head.

Kai’s words would’ve been encouraging. They would’ve given Beomgyu the ounce of comfort he was so desperately chasing. They _should’ve_ made him felt the scantiest bit better.

The problem was that his words were too sincere. Beomgyu knew Kai genuinely believed that the older was a good person. He had so much trust in him and held the unrealistic mindset that he could do no wrong.

It was the same _good person_ that was lying to him.

Instead of easing his lingering thoughts, the weighted words only added to the guilt that was already overflowing and spilling over. Beomgyu wasn’t telling him the truth; in fact, he was going out of his way to hide it. He was _hiding_ something potentially scarring from someone so dear to him.

To make matters worse, Beomgyu knew that Kai was growing closer to Taehyun. The red-haired boy was making it up his list of significant people and that would do Beomgyu no good whatsoever. Kai always saw only the most luminous points of people and would try to enhance them. To fail at that would hit his pride.

Who would Beomgyu be to take that away from him?

_A bad person._

“Talk to Soobin,” Kai reminded him, resting his head atop Beomgyu’s. The elder was supposed to find comfort in his actions. He was supposed to let a part of himself rest with that knowledge that Kai was actively there for him. Why did it only make him feel guiltier?

“I will.”

* * *

_—:_

_hey is everything alright?_

_i haven’t heard from you in a while ):_

**kang taehyun:**

**hey, hyung, im good!**

**im just a bit sick.**

_—:_

_sick?? Did u get a cold during may??_

**kang taehyun:**

**yeah, my immune system has been failing me lately.**

**kai told me it was from the amount of stress i’m handing with.**

_—:_

_that’s probably it ): < _

_you shouldn’t overwork yourself tyun_

**kang taehyun:**

**i know, i know. i just forget sometimes.**

_—:_

_ur really not feeling well?_

**kang taehyun:**

**i’ve skipped my classes today because i could barely get out of bed.**

_—:_

_is anyone with you?_

**kang taehyun:**

**no?**

**my roommate is out at some higher grade party. he’ll probably spend a few nights at his friends place.**

_—:_

_i’m on my way :]_

**kang taehyun:**

**you don’t even have my address.**

_—:_

_): < _

_then send it dummy_

**kang taehyun:**

**hyung, you really don’t have to come take care of me.**

**i can take care of myself, really.**

_—:_

_when was the last time you ate a proper meal_

**kang taehyun:**

**i had cereal.**

_—:_

_for breakfast??_

_it’s 6pm_

_give me your address or im gonna hunt you down ): < _

**kang taehyun:**

**you could get arrested for that.**

_—:_

_STOP BEING DIFFICULT_

_come onnn just send it and ill come over with some food_

**kang taehyun:**

**fine. only because you’re so persistent.**

_—:_

_:D_

_see you soon!_

* * *

“You look like shit,” Beomgyu gawked once Taehyun had slackly swung the door open.

Beomgyu’s words didn’t have a predetermined weight. He really only meant them in a dazed matter because, _wow,_ Taehyun wasn’t looking all too well at all.

His face was ghostlily pale and drained save for the darkened patches under his eyes. His usually wide, doe eyes were half open as if craving more sleep, barely gazing over Beomgyu. Previously pink, plush lips were dryer than usual, losing most of their hue. To top it off, his hair was standing on end as red strands were sticking up in awkward positions.

He was wearing a shirt which looked several sizes bigger than him, his petite body practically swimming in the thin fabric. Complementary to that, he had loose-fitting sweatpants on which bunched up at his ankles, making his body look particularly smaller. In a way, he looked a lot softer despite the apparent downsides.

“Really? I didn’t know,” Taehyun deadpanned with hyperbolic sarcasm. His voice was hoarse and scratchy, an immense contrast to his usual melodic tone. It was audibly deeper and Beomgyu could hear the sleepiness rack through it.

“When was the last time you had a cup of water?” Beomgyu grimaced in response, letting himself in when the younger stepped aside. His place was considerably smaller than Beomgyu’s, but a lot more composed. He didn’t have a lot to fill the space, but it fit him.

“Morning,” Taehyun grumbled tiredly, hobbling to the couch before dropping his lightweight body onto the cushions and lying down. “Or yesterday, maybe a few hours before that. I don’t know.”

Beomgyu jeered, setting the bags filled with food onto the coffee table. “You said you could take care of yourself.”

“I’m alive, that’s enough,” he offered, eyes already shut.

“That’s your definition of taking care of yourself?” Beomgyu worried aloud, a part of him feeling a type of remorse at the sight of Taehyun looking so physically weak. It made him feel uneasy. He didn’t know why he was so eager to show up at his place, wanting to give him some sort of aid. To give _back._

“I’m fine, hyung,” the boy grumbled, fluttering his eyes open to gaze up at Beomgyu. He kept his eyes trained on his face, his stare was softer than usual.

Beomgyu crouched in front of the couch, body closer than he’d initially intended. Being so close to him was dangerous for the fleeting thoughts which ran through his mind, feeding the idea that he was trying to ignore.

“When you told me you were sick I thought you meant a cold, not the plague,” Beomgyu joked, his concern partially slipping through his voice.

“Now you’re just being dramatic,” Taehyun whined, rolling onto his side so he could watch the elder better.

Beomgyu hesitantly brushed away the discarded strands that fell over his eyes and placed his palm against his forehead delicately. Taehyun kept his eyes trained on his the entire time, gaze unwavering as it pierced through him. It made Beomgyu cower in his spot. Taehyun had this certain way of looking at him which made him feel uneasy yet comforted all at the same time. “You’re burning up.”

“Yeah, I know,” he acknowledged absentmindedly, leaning forward ever so slightly just so he could lean into his touch. It wasn’t the first time he’d done that, still it felt so unknown every time.

With a shaky breath, Beomgyu let his hand slip over to cup the curve of his cheek, thumb grazing his cheekbone with added care. He couldn’t fathom why he thought it was a good idea to do so, yet there he was. His hand just _fit_. Taehyun didn’t protest to his action, he only watched him intently, plush lips slightly parted.

His cheek was hot against Beomgyu’s hand, yet he didn’t move. Every time he initiated something like this, he was stuck. It was things he’d do so frequently before only to bury them and never bring them up again. There he was, though, and to his delight, Taehyun didn’t seem to hate it in the slightest. 

_God, what was this boy doing to him?_

All too quickly, Beomgyu retreated. He let his hand fall from his face and stood up straight, looking away and going out of his way to evade his gaze.

“Come on, get up,” he stammered instead, deciding to advert both their attentions to the meals he brought.

“No,” Taehyun whined, a tinge of disappointment tainting his voice. Was it disappointment or sleepiness? “It was enough work to get up and open the door for you.”

Beomgyu grinned at the sight. He walked around the coffee table to the other end of the couch, patting the younger boys legs so he would move them and sit up. “That’s why you need to get up and eat. You’ll get your energy back.”

“My stomach feels like it’s trying to digest itself,” Taehyun groaned, persistent on staying down. Beomgyu had never seen him so disobliging. It was a different side of him.

“We can start small,” Beomgyu offered sheepishly, already unpacking the numerous containers despite Taehyun’s evocative protests. His voice was coated with that dry tone, coming out broken and rigid. He had his face squished against a cushion, jutted lips pouting outwards in desperation. It was a delicate look for him.

Beomgyu couldn’t swallow down the subtle growing fondness which rattled inside of him. It started small, only unnoticeably peaking when Taehyun first opened the door. As he studied him more, the unwanted feeling started its rapid ascend amongst his other fleeting thoughts.

 _Unwanted_ because he wasn’t supposed to be feeling this way. It was a foreign emotion yet he’d experienced it so many times before. Times where he’d wished he hadn’t.

In time, Taehyun gave up on his petite tantrum, sloppily pushing the weight of his body off the couch. He sat up with his back slouched, face pulled into half-grimace, half-pout. His hair stood on end from being unkempt.

Despite his obvious discomfort and degrading appearance, Beomgyu only found himself thinking of how easy it would be to pull him into his arms.

“You brought a lot,” Taehyun mumbled through his sleepy daze. He dragged his eyes over the array of food, his lips curling into a small smile.

“Needed to make sure you ate enough. I don’t know what you like so I brought a lot,” Beomgyu shrugged, handing him a pair of chopsticks. "I haven’t had dinner either, so this is for the two of us.”

Taehyun looked his way, a soft smile and a subtle twinkle in his eyes put on full display. Beomgyu regretted reciprocating the look, his heart coming to a faint pause when he met his eyes. “Thank you, hyung,” his voice was softer, tranquil at most. It was the type Beomgyu heard only a hand full of times. “I appreciate it a lot.”

“Yeah,” Beomgyu pulled his lips into a straight line, his thoughts coming to a standstill when Taehyun didn’t look away, “enough talking. Eat up,” he petitioned instead, gaze faltering as he averted his attention back to the food. He didn’t know what would’ve come out of his mouth if he’d watched him a little longer.

Taehyun started eating after him, meagre, tentative bites at first. Naturally, the two fell into an easy conversation over the faint sound of the air conditioning. The room had a warm glow to it, mostly in tones of faint browns and oranges. It was a comfortable atmosphere, mostly because of the other person occupying it with Beomgyu.

As they ate, Beomgyu noticed how Taehyun progressively took bigger bites, downing more food as they spoke. He smiled to himself at that, a prideful feeling swelling in his chest. He was overly elated that the boy was eating well.

He asked the elder about his day and his classes, genuinely interested in what was going on in his life. With no one else to talk to, Beomgyu didn’t mind the small talk. In all honesty, he needed that sort of familiarity. He didn’t bring up his dispute with Soobin nor did he mention what was troubling him. It wasn’t important.

“What did your professor say?” Beomgyu wondered after a while.

“About what?” Taehyun examined through a mouth full of ramen, his cheeks puffing up in a way which made him look more childlike. It was hard not to coo at the sight.

Of course, he didn’t. That would’ve gone against everything he was going for. “The concept photo you took.”

Taehyun’s mood seemed to cloud with outrage at that, his eyebrows furrowing almost spontaneously. “She told me it was a good _first attempt,_ ” he muttered through a notable pout, “I thought I was done with the assignment, but she had a different idea. She said I was at the start of the right path. The _start_.”

“So, you still have to take more pictures?” Beomgyu frowned, settling back into the couch. It was much better sitting back there since he could watch Taehyun without having the look reciprocated. It was easier.

Taehyun hummed in agreement, “Yeah, and I have no idea what to do with them,” he complained, the frustration he was adorning leaking through his voice. “I was _so_ sure that the one we took would be enough. I never take pictures with people in them, that’s change.”

“Maybe the person should be the focus of the picture, you know?” Beomgyu suggested feebly, absentmindedly playing with the strings of his hoodie.

“Are you trying to get me to take more pictures of you?” Taehyun scoffed playfully, sparing him a glance over his shoulder before turning back to his food.

“I didn’t say it had to be me,” Beomgyu bit back, a smirk playing at the ends of his lips. “You’ll probably get a higher mark photographing me, though. I’m probably the prettiest person you will find here,” he joked.

“I hate that you’re right,” Taehyun didn’t miss a beat.

With that, the casual, comical smirk was wiped off of Beomgyu’s face. His eyes widened at the indirect compliment, lips parting in turn. It was all irrational, empty words. That’s how he should’ve taken it. That’s how he _always_ takes these types of conversations.

Yet, this time his heart was louder than his mind.

The reply caught him off guard completely, yanking the words he had planned out of his mouth and rendering him speechless. God, it wasn’t that big of a deal, why was he reacting this way?

He knew why. He just didn’t want to accept it.

Beomgyu brushed it off with a vulnerable chuckle before completely changing the topic. Taehyun didn’t seem to notice his partial state of panic with how easily he engaged in the new conversation. He had no idea of the internal turmoil he was putting him through.

It put him on edge for the rest of the night, his mind clouding with the repetitive demand to stop thinking about Taehyun. It was proven impossible when the boy was always around him. Truth be told, he brought this on himself by offering to take care of him.

So, he did. He checked out his medicines and told him to take them. He brought him lots of water to make sure he stayed hydrated. Beomgyu wouldn’t let him move around too much, adamant on him getting enough rest to regain his strength.

Through it all, his chest felt somewhat heavier every time he saw the younger boy struggling to down his pills or sit in comfort. The thought of him being in pain brought him discomfort and made him feel upset with _everything._

How would he feel if he’d seen his heart fade?

When the time rounded nine in the evening, Taehyun would refuse to sleep despite his nodding head and obvious heavy eyes. It reminded Beomgyu of when he fell asleep on his lap at his place after saying he wouldn’t sleep. He had that habit, it was sort of endearing.

Instead, Taehyun suggested they watch a movie. He was keen on watching a Disney one, saying his head was pounding too much for him to watch anything with heavy action or flashes.

Beomgyu smiled to himself because he knew he was lying.

Without question, Beomgyu let him choose whatever he wanted— he found it especially appealing how he chose _Tangled_ without a second thought. 

When they settled in and the film was playing, Beomgyu already knew his attention would be elsewhere the entire time. He didn’t even bother trying to pay any sort of attention since it would be a genuine lost cause.

So, it wasn’t hard to spot how the younger was curling in on himself, hands trailing over his exposed arms repeatedly in a feeble attempt to give himself some warmth. His knees were pulled up to his chest, hugged close to his body as he trained his eyes on the film. They sparkled against the light. Beomgyu was captivated.

“Are you cold?” Beomgyu whispered over the animated voices, leaning over so Taehyun would hear him through his dazed state.

”A little,” he informed him, looking over his shoulder. 

On instinct, Beomgyu opened his arms, inviting him to sit closer. His heart rate instantly skyrocketed when he fully processed his action. There really was no backing out now.

Taehyun raised an eyebrow at his open arms, “You want to hug me?”

”I’m warm, plus I’ve been told I give the best cuddles to ever exist,” Beomgyu nodded enthusiastically, hoping his preppy personality would mask the slight tremble in his voice. _Why did he initiate this?_

”Who told you that?” Taehyun scoffed through an amused smile, still not giving in to his request. “Sounds absurd.”

”You’re doubting my skills?” Beomgyu pouted, making grabby hands to distract from the heavy pitter-patter against his chest.

”Yeah, I am,” Taehyun kidded along, “I’m not going to let you cuddle me, you’re going to get sick.”

Beomgyu shook his head, arms beginning to ache from being stretched out. He shifted closer, tentatively looping an arm around his shoulders. “I won’t get sick,” he compromised, voice dropping lower due to the proximity. “Just let me hold you.”

Taehyun met his eyes again, this time holding the contact much longer than before. They were closer now, breaths tangled in between the space between them. Beomgyu didn’t let his gaze falter, willing himself not to panic just for _once._ It grew increasingly hard considering the fact that he had his arm slung around his shoulder and his face was flushing that same warmth when he was around him.

Taehyun watched him as if he was trying to study him, eyes darting between his own two. He seemed like he was venturing to decipher some sort of obscure aim, some type of secret he held. Beomgyu thought he was under some sort of spell with how the sounds around him tuned out and all he could think about was the boy in front of him.

That’s how it usually was when he’d meet his eyes.

What seemed like hours proved to be less than a minute. Taehyun’s eyes softened from that closed off stare, face relaxing at Beomgyu. It was as if Beomgyu had seen a wall crumble between them, giving him the full sight of the redhead.

”Let’s see if they’re right, then,” Taehyun finally, _finally_ gave in, leaning his weight onto Beomgyu. 

Beomgyu felt elated at the action, his head already feeling more buoyant. The corners lips curled upwards naturally and his shoulders felt lighter. It was both comforting and concerning how easy it was for Taehyun to unconsciously ease Beomgyu despite his raging mind.

Without hesitance this time, he let himself feel. He let himself enjoy the closeness and the warmth he was offering.

Taehyun had his head resting on his shoulder, tucked into the crook of his neck as his hair tickled his jaw. Beomgyu couldn’t see his face but he could tell he was relaxed with the way he put his entire weight against him, giving him his all. At one point, Taehyun wrapped his arm around Beomgyu’s middle, pulling him closer. He worried that the younger might’ve been able to hear the abnormal, racing beat of his heart against his chest.

Washed away. Just like that, all his internal conflict and self-depreciation had been washed away.

He was depending on the boy he was meant to break way too much.


	8. Perturbation

**[09:34pm]  
  
**

**kang taehyun:**

**hey, hyung, are you free today?**

_—:_

_yeah i’m not doing anything!! why?_

**kang taehyun:**

**can we meet up?**

_—:_

_now? it’s pretty late is everything okay?_

**kang taehyun:**

**yeah, everything’s fine, don’t worry.**

**i just wanted to see you.**

**it’s okay if you’re tired, tomorrow is good!**

_—:_

_no no it’s fine, i’m really not_

_do u have a certain place in mind?_

**kang taehyun:**

**no, i was hoping you’d choose.**

_—:_ ****

_yongsan park?_

_the one we went to last time_

**kang taehyun:**

**sure, that sounds good.**

**see you soon, then?**

_—:_

_yeah see you :)_

* * *

The two boys were sat alongside each other by the broad scope of the park's lake, ripples shimmering under the subtle moonlight.

Beomgyu took notice of how the tender blue light made Taehyun’s face glow despite the dusky lighting. He found it was so easy for him to detect such diminutive aspects about him. It got to a point where it was troubling how swiftly he’d grown captivated by, honestly speaking, _nothing._ Taehyun simply had to be there for him to be in awe.

It worried him because, despite thinking they’ve gotten to a point where they’re both comfortable with each other, Taehyun was still quite closed off. Beomgyu grew accustomed with his habits and he discerned how he’d so oftentimes shift the subject whenever it revolved too much around him. he wasn’t sure if he just didn’t share commonly or if he didn’t trust him as a whole.

For some disturbing reason, the latter ached a lot more.

It was getting remarkably displeasing at this point. Trying to swallow down whatever fleeting, outcast feelings and _retaining_ them down. It was a never-ending game he was playing with his mind, and he was despairingly losing. How was he losing against himself?

Either way, it was clouding his judgment regularly and he found himself struggling to go through with everyday activities. Solely getting out of bed proved much more cumbersome with every passing day. He’d wake up with a dreading burden thrusting down on his shoulder instead of feeling invigorated and refreshed. Every day that feeling would grow.

In a way, he wanted to sleep throughout every week. He wanted to go to a place where he didn’t have his mind tormenting him and prodding at him to remind him of the race he was slacking in. He found it challenging to keep up with his classes and gathering assignments.

He couldn’t get himself to talk to Soobin—or _anyone_ at this rate because of the looming shadow of disappointment from their side. He’d tried reaching out once only for the older boy to avoid him entirely.

He knew he’d have to talk to him. He didn’t know how to convince himself that he deserved to talk to him. Did he warrant the hardships he was going through, though?

Through all this, he still found himself allured by Taehyun. He found himself craving for his company just to dismiss himself of the mental prison he’d forced himself in to. Somehow, in some part of his mangled mind, he knew the younger boy offered a temporary getaway.

Funnily enough, he was like a drug. Beomgyu depended on him at this point. He looked to him when he needed to breathe, even if it was just for a few seconds.

At the same time, he needed to get rid of him. Just like a toxic, addictive substance, Beomgyu would only end up in a severe place if he maintained his pace. He would end up in a situation he knew would be bad for him, yet he kept going.

It was so hard to let go of something momentarily uplifting.

And, as usual, Beomgyu only drove the thought away for another day. Instead of tending to it and sorting his priorities straight, he buried them away for another day. On that other day, he didn’t know what he’d do.

It was a concern for _that_ day. Not today.

“What is that?” Taehyun vocalised his confusion once he spotted the idle plastic bag Beomgyu had brought along to their meet up. He followed him with those admirable, doe eyes, faded, red hair falling over them.

“Oh, this,” Beomgyu perked, his lips drawing into a childlike smile. It was _that_ easy to smile around him. “We’re getting tattoos.”

Taehyun visibly paled at the statement. His eyes widened, brows furrowing as his mouth fell open like he couldn’t understand the words he’d overheard. “What? Beomgyu, I told you I can’t get a tattoo. There’s _no way_ I’m going to get one.”

“Relax. We’re not getting real ones,” Beomgyu wondered at him, digging into the bag and fishing out two sheets.

“Fake tattoos?” Taehyun visibly slackened, shoulders slumping as he took the flimsy paper between his fingers to inspect it. His panicked state undoubtedly washed away, replaced by one of diversion at the meagre action Beomgyu had presented.

Before his walk to the park, Beomgyu stopped by a small store with all sorts of cheap items. On a whim, he remembered their conversation about tattoos, and went ahead to purchase two for the both of them.

“I mean, yeah, it would help you get an idea of a real one, right?” Beomgyu shrugged, plucking out a water bottle and tissue papers and setting them aside. “I haven’t used one of these in years so it’s partially for me too.”

The smile playing on Taehyun’s lips never ceased. “Okay, let’s do it,” he signed along.

“You can have the wings,” Beomgyu suggested, handing him the paper littered with varied designs ranging from long, splayed out wings to minuscule, rippling ones.

“These look really cool,” Taehyun beamed as he examined the sheet in his hands. “Do you have scissors?”

Beomgyu nodded earnestly, picking the scissors out of the feeble bag too. “Yeah, here, choose the one you like.”

Taehyun swiftly and modestly thanked him, taking the pair of scissors into his hands. He skimmed through the designs before settling on one and began cutting through the material with tame, precise movements.

Instead of scouring for his own design, Beomgyu watched him focus. His eyes lingered over his defined hands up to the soft slope of his nose. He found himself staring when he noticed how Taehyun had his rosy lips jutted outwards in an endeavour to concentrate, forming a frail pout. His hair mostly fell over his eyes with the tilted position he was holding, masking them completely.

Still, Beomgyu stared. He couldn’t bring himself to do anything else because, yet again, Taehyun had become his central focus. His mind clouded and fogged with only thoughts of him, pushing away every other malicious feeling for another time.

This was how Taehyun unconsciously yet precariously healed him. He was getting way too intimate with occupying himself with the one person who had the potential to ruin him. The one person he’d intended to ruin. How ironic was it?

“Which one will you use?” Taehyun snapped him out of his storm, unaware of _everything._

“Ah,” Beomgyu groused in a moment of frenzy, trying to recollect the strewed thoughts littered across his mind. He grabbed at the second sheet he’d bought, facing them upwards for him to see. “These.”

Taehyun furrowed his eyebrows, “Chains?”

“It looks badass, doesn’t it?” Beomgyu grinned, inspecting the lengthy design. It was pretty simple, all in all. A single line of chains pulled into a rare knot in the middle. A trap with a bump.

“Yeah, sure,” Taehyun scoffed sarcastically, “let’s do yours first.”

Beomgyu nodded along when Taehyun took the sheet from his hands, already cutting around the main picture. “I’ll have it on my arm,” Beomgyu stretched out his left hand, palm facing downwards. He rolled up his sleeve, presenting the bare skin.

“Let me do it for you,” Taehyun offered before setting down the scissors, already peeling off the plastic. “You can do mine after.”

He took Beomgyu’s hand into his own, flipping it upwards to expose the inside of his forearm so that his fingers were loosely clasped around his wrist. Beomgyu didn’t doubt the overly touchy notion, amused by the gentle touch of his hand and how smooth it felt against his skin.

He didn’t care much.

Not until he took notice of the hearts splayed on his wrist.

His heart sank to the ground at the display. He felt stiff all over his body, resentment instantly strengthening at the single gleaming heart against the four eclipsed ones. He wanted to scream at himself for so voluntarily flaunting his arm out. How could he have overlooked the sole reason for all of his problems and anxieties?

In a moment of panic, he attempted to retract his arm, insecurity practically trickling through his body at this pace. He couldn’t express how uncomfortable he was of his display, how much he regretted so many things which brought him to this place. In contrast, Beomgyu held _so_ much hatred for them. They were restraints, holding him back heavily from every single opportunity.

It was _his_ fault, though. His fault for loving too readily.

While trying to pull back, Taehyun only tightened his grip on around his wrist, retaining him in place. It wasn’t tight enough to hurt but it was enough to keep him there.

With an apathetic heart, Beomgyu gazed up to him, only now noticing the way his vision was slightly blurred by the tears prickling at his eyes. It had all come back so fast.

“It’s okay,” Taehyun whispered, his voice sincere and soothing, comforting. He recognised Beomgyu’s concerns and aimed to wash them away.

He really did.

When Beomgyu met his eyes, they reassured him more than the two words he offered. He controlled his breath at the courteous look he received, urging him to calm down. At that moment, he felt like he could tell him quite literally _anything._ As if any problem he threw at him would diminish at his presence. He felt like if he just told him everything, he’d be able to solve it just by looking at him like _that._

Beomgyu knew it wasn’t possible, but in a way, it worked in his eyes.

Still, he kept to himself.

He only nodded, verifying to Taehyun that he wouldn’t attempt to move away again. With that, he offered a gentle smile and focused on the artificial tattoo. He emptied a few drops of water onto heaps of tissues before applying the sticky sheet onto the inside of Beomgyu’s forearm. It was settled right under his hearts.

With deliberate movements, he dabbed the saturated tissue over the paper evenly across its length until he settled for simply placing it atop and keeping it there. The water was cool against his skin, dragging him back to reality. Beomgyu entirely watched as Taehyun focused, trying to regain his composure.

“Any ideas?” he asked instead, opting to distract himself. “For the whole concept photo things.”

“No, it’s been the last thing on my mind with my workload,” Taehyun smiled, straightening his hand so his fingers were loosely grasping around Beomgyu’s wrist, “which is bad since it’s a huge part of my grade.”

“You still have time, though,” Beomgyu spoke earnestly as he tried perilously to mask the weak tremble in his voice. He marvelled over how deftly Taehyun worked with him, how his touches were tender yet fleeting, barely there. He didn’t bring the hearts up either.

Taehyun hummed, “I do,” he let him know, continuing to pat at the soaked paper.

They sat in a tranquil atmosphere, a comfortable silence coating over them as Taehyun gingerly worked. The paper sat on his arm longer than actually needed. The directions only recommended thirty seconds, all in all, so Beomgyu grew confused when Taehyun held onto him longer as the minutes ticked by.

“Are you okay, hyung?” Taehyun abruptly spoke, hindering the eerie feeling. His tone had dropped considerably, leaking with genuine concern.

“Yeah?” Beomgyu mused, puzzled at the sudden dispute, “yeah, I am. Why?”

“Uh, it’s probably nothing,” the younger backed down, shaking his head in a way where his hair flew with it, “It’s just, Hyuka told me you were going through a hard time when I asked about you a few days ago.”

“Oh,” Beomgyu paused. He didn’t know what to feel. “Did he?”

Part of him felt his chest swell up with gratitude for Kai. He was the only one who wholeheartedly looked out for him despite his downsides, the only one that witnessed him at what seemed to be his lowest. Beomgyu was beyond appreciative that the younger continued to look out for him, even if he was convinced he didn’t deserve it.

After all, he still couldn’t bring himself to tell Kai _everything._

The other side of him felt his throat tighten with a feign spiteful feeling. The familiar resentful weight began pooling up at the pits of his stomach, dragging him deeper. Every time Taehyun or Kai would mention each other, Beomgyu was reminded of just how close they were, how a hardship to one of them would affect both.

He didn’t know how they’d clicked so easily.

First and foremost, he acknowledged he’d lose them both if he continued his track.

Taehyun took notice of his distress, eyes softening at his delay. In a moment of sympathy, he trailed his thumb over the inside of Beomgyu’s wrist, reminding him, once again, that he was there. He was there for him and he was offering a safe place.

It was such a small action, a simple caress at most, yet it grounded Beomgyu. It granted him with the comfort he was aiming for. With each mild stroke over his hearts, he came closer to reality.

“I mean, yeah, it’s nothing big,” Beomgyu belatedly spoke with little enthusiasm. His chest pooled with warmth at Taehyun’s touch. “I’ve just been tired lately.”

“You can talk to me, you know?” he proposed.

Beomgyu nodded, trying to swallow down the affection in his tone. “I know, thank you.”

Taehyun took that as an initiative to conclude the conversation, directing their concentration back to the tattoo. “I think it’s done,” he grinned.

He placed the dampened tissue asked and slowly peeled the sheet from his skin, revealing the glossy print. It was a greyish black, still glistening from the water. The chains started right below his ash hearts, barely overlapping the bottom two and ended short from his joint.

“Do I look badass?” Beomgyu joked with a grin, stretching out his arm to fully inspect it.

“Very much so,” Taehyun egged him on with added sarcasm, an enamoured smile playing at his lips. “You’re giving off huge bad boy vibes.”

Beomgyu giggled at his compliment, diminishing whatever ‘bad boy’ image he was going for. “Yours now.”

Taehyun nodded enthusiastically, grabbing the cutout shape and handing it to Beomgyu. They had splayed out wings, feathers stretched to their max with a few fluttering off.

“Where do you want it?” Beomgyu questioned, setting it aside to wet a wad of tissue.

“Under my collarbone,” Taehyun apprised, dragging down the neck of his shirt. Beomgyu startled at the claim, hand tipping a little too much causing the water to spill over. His face flushed, prominent even in the dim lighting. “If I’d ever get a tattoo, it would be here.”

“That’s—that’s a nice spot,” Beomgyu tried to cover up. He glanced at the younger who held his shirt down to reveal the smooth skin under. It was barely much, yet Beomgyu found it oddly intimate considering he’d be the one applying it.

He subtly scooted closer, their legs touching with the proximity. With a shaky hand and breath, he stripped the plastic off of the paper and placed it directly under his collarbone.

“This good?” Beomgyu uttered, not trusting himself to speak too many words.

“Yeah,” the redhead nodded with a solemn smile.

Without a second thought, Beomgyu raised the soaking tissue and pressed it against the sheet, water spilling over his fingers.

“Ah, it’s cold,” Taehyun flinched when a few drops trailed down his chest and into his shirt.

“Sorry,” Beomgyu giggled, the agitation beginning to decay. Even though he felt somewhat lighter, the proximity and warm skin under his fingers made his heart race, speeding beats hammering against his chest. He couldn’t keep the feeling down, especially with Taehyun watching him so keenly.

Beomgyu couldn’t bring himself to look at him, instead choosing to focus his eyes on his own hands. He knew he’d be too vulnerable if he met his eyes in this state.

“What’re you doing tomorrow?” he asked alternately, repeatedly dabbing at the paper as an excuse to keep his eyes down.

“Working,” Taehyun directly clarified, gaze burning into Beomgyu’s head.

“On a Friday?” Beomgyu wondered aloud, puzzled at the response. “Is the gym even open on weekends?”

Taehyun seemed to realise his response at that, sitting up suitably as he tried to conceive a reply. Beomgyu knew that façade. He knew the way his shoulders tensed and how his lips would part for a moment before he came up with something else to divert the attention. Beomgyu grew familiar with all the trivial details and he was well aware with how he’d act when he had something to hide.

Except, this time, instead of the darting eyes or the uncertain voice, he only sighed. He was giving in this time.

“Yeah, I have another job,” he mumbled.

“A third job?” Beomgyu gaped, struck by how the younger hadn’t broken under the amount of pressure. He was double majoring, worked at the gym _and_ tutored students. On top of those, he had _another_ job? What did he do with the money he was earning? Though it seemed unbelievable, the way his voice was beginning to soften, Beomgyu knew he was telling the truth.

Taehyun only nodded, belatedly looking away from the older. In a way, it felt cold without the added affection. “Only on the weekends.”

“You spend your weekends working?” Beomgyu frowned.

“It’s fine, I actually enjoy this one,” Taehyun heartened him, a fond smile that Beomgyu couldn’t recognise growing on his lips. “Uh, I do home health aide.”

The elder raised an eyebrow, “What is that?”

“It’s where you support elderly people and patients at their homes,” Taehyun began explaining. “You just help them with basic activities like clothing, preparing food, washing up. Things they can’t do in their state. You’re assigned to only one person and you attend a few days every week to help them.”

Beomgyu listened intently. How could he have thought that Taehyun was a dangerous person with malicious intentions? How did he get to the point where he was admiring his actions and his pure aims instead?

On top of that, the mystery of his five, full hearts was still unsolved.

“That sounds nice,” Beomgyu pushed away his thoughts, “so you’re helping someone every week?”

Taehyun hummed, “Yeah, her name is Lee Sooyun. She’s an elder,” he informed. The name held a certain weight to it with the way he spoke with fondness practically spilling through his voice. Beomgyu assumed that this person was important to him. “I’ve been working with her for a few years. Before college, actually.”

“You must be close,” Beomgyu smiled, a foreign part of him wishing Taehyun would speak of him with the same amount of admiration.

Taehyun scoffed at that, “You could say that,” he agreed, a hint of bitterness peaking through his voice. At that, he finally gave in to the temptation of changing the subject, feeling as if he'd said too much. Beomgyu didn't understand why his tone changed towards the end. “Is the tattoo done?”

“Probably,” Beomgyu carefully peeled at the paper, revealing the mark under. It suited him. The contrast between the dark tattoo against his honey, smooth skin was an astonishing sight. “It looks nice.”

“It does,” Taehyun grinned, pivoting his head in an attempt to view the cheap plaster on his skin. He let go of the hem of his shirt, letting it cover up the exposed skin and the tattoo.

He lifted his head to look at Beomgyu, who already had his eyes levelled on the younger. Their eyes met easily due to their closeness, earnest and full. Beomgyu felt his breath catch in his throat no matter how much he tried to assure himself the entire situation meant _nothing._

Still, he let his eyes wander. He didn’t hold himself back when he found himself drawn to the curve of Taehyun’s lips or the boldness in his eyes. Even the knowledge of the younger watching him did nothing to cease his look. No matter how much he told himself to stop and get a grip of himself, he repeatedly glanced at his lips.

Taehyun didn’t question it. He surely noticed, yet he said nothing.

That was a good thing, right? That was a go signal.

Go signal for what? Beomgyu felt foolish at that moment, flustered even for being so naive. He cursed at himself for giving in so easily and staying in such a position despite having no confirmation on how he felt. In all honesty, he’d been avoiding it completely and his current state would only make it _worse._

He realised there was _something._ There was that familiar feeling that has been gradually growing in him. One that felt so common yet completely new, one that destroyed him before.

With discomfort, he pulled back. He pulled himself back from venturing into new possibilities with the potential of what he wanted to avoid. He couldn’t do that to himself. Not with the single glowing heart which sat pathetically on his wrist.

Throughout it all, Taehyun still didn’t doubt it. He went at Beomgyu’s pace, no matter how much he dragged it on. The boy didn’t show any reciprocated feelings, yet he didn’t try to back away, leaving Beomgyu in a whirlwind of his own thoughts.

He wasn’t supposed to be here. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

Either way, they continued the night as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened and Beomgyu couldn’t tell if he was thankful or regretful.

* * *

Late into the night, Beomgyu’s forearm developed a nagging itch where the faux tattoo was. He’d gotten home less than an hour ago, thanking Taehyun for accompanying him before spending the rest of the night in his head.

It was loud and disordered. He couldn’t get out of it with the bulk of concerns steadily growing and growing with every passing second. One thought leads to another, which then added to the heap. It got to a point where he was overthinking every insignificant detail.

He was overcome with the thought of feeling more for Taehyun. It started out small, a twinkle of interest and appreciation for him. That was until it was the only thing he could think of. He tried to stimulate his mind and convince himself that it was nothing.

Once again, he was _lying_ to himself.

His mind was clouded mostly with fear and hostility towards _himself._ He brought this on himself in the end.

With a weighted mind, he dragged himself to the bathroom to wash off the fake tattoo from his arm. The tiles were icy cold against his feet, adding to the discomfort he was feeling in his own body.

In front of the mirror, he avoided watching his reflection. He couldn’t identify the person he was. Instead, he sees an image of what he didn’t want to become, someone he didn’t know how to detach himself from.

With a sigh and a budding headache, he ran the tap and dampened a washcloth under it. When it was wet enough, he brushed it against his forearm, the print easily rubbing off under the rough material.

He began with soft strokes, content with how efficiently the prints were peeling off.

Gentle, deliberate movements slowly progressed into firm strokes as he struggled to remove the part right under his hearts. He dragged at the marking repeatedly with added force every time, arm warming under the friction. His skin began to tint a dull red at his harsh movements. He put his entire arm strength into the work, growing increasingly irritated with the piece.

He ran his hand under the water again before continuing the frantic action, unaware over the fact that the fake tattoo had already been thoroughly removed.

Beomgyu was hacking at his hearts. The washcloth did nothing to the permanent patterns on his wrist, only further stinging the skin.

Still, his mind was racing with every passing second. He knew it wouldn’t work, he knew he couldn’t erase his own personal chains. Either way, he didn’t stop. He felt his eyes begin to sting with burning tears, hair falling over his eyes with the vigorous movements as his heart pounded in his ears.

Again and again, he rubbed the cloth over his hearts, desperate to free himself of the sole reason for all his current problems. Everything that was weighing him down was because of the one thing he couldn’t change nor alter.

He was in a constant state of fear and anxiety around new people because of his position. A wrong move and he’d lose himself eternally just because of one too many mistakes in the past.

He fought with Soobin over his extra heart without realising the risk he was in if he’d lost it.

He couldn’t let himself feel anything with Taehyun since the boy would have too much power over his life. There was no way he would feel completely at ease.

Beomgyu was trapped, confined within his own body. He was strapped down by his lack of hearts. They were holding him by the heart, grip toughening with every new endeavour he went through. It cut off his blood flow, warning him of the risk he was putting himself in as he continued to go on as if nothing was happening, as if he wasn’t on the brink of losing two of his only friends, as if he wasn’t falling for Taehyun.

In a fit of frustration, he clenched his fists and threw everything off the bathroom countertop, discarded toothbrushes, various creams and supplies hitting the floor with a heavy thud. A few containers cracked under the heavy pressure, multiple liquids leaking out and staining the floor.

It didn’t bother him at all. He gave them no mind. He’d lost control of his emotions and common sense anyway, his chest heaving as hot tears began their cascade down his face. He fought to catch his breath, forcing out choked cries in an attempt to regulate himself.

None of it worked.

His legs felt weak under the weight of his body and mind, limbs barely holding him up. His hands were trembling with frantic movements and no one was there to give him the strength to stop. He was being fully consumed by the reality of his situation, swallowing him into the truth.

He crouched down, unable to stand properly anymore as he cried into his hands, face heated as the tears continued to fall. Nothing he could do would slow them down, just like nothing he could do would get rid of the chains around his heart.

Beomgyu was filled with both rage and frustration at his limitations, holding him back from so many things. Those feelings overcame him, causing him to let out breaking sobs under the pressure.

Despite that, he felt hate and hopelessness. Where would he go from here? He brought this on himself. There wasn’t much he could do.

He was abandoned by his will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ! a special thanks to everyone who leaves all their thoughts in the comments, those really make my day T__T 
> 
> you can find me on twitter at @scft_gyu ! see you in the next chapter <3


	9. Calm Before a Storm

Beomgyu didn’t think things could get any worse.

Then again, he also thought he’d eventually be okay with time.

It was safe to say he went into his days only hoping they would gladden. He coveted for a second to breathe through his race, yet there were no stopping points in his path. Every day he woke up heavier than the day before with little to no motivational urge to push him.

It was less than a week ago when he thoroughly endorsed his jeopardy. Roughly six days ago when he wasted hours on his bathroom floor as he laboured to quell his own mind. His tears obscured his vision and his conscious, burdening everything as a whole. That was when he acknowledged and accepted his position.

He barely registered his surroundings at that time. It wasn’t until the skin around his knuckles stung harshly did he notice the faint crimson droplets slapping the floor. He’d cut his hand open on _something_ in his fit of anger and he barely discerned it because he was too buried under the weight of his thoughts.

Beomgyu examined his unsteady hand, wincing as he stretched his fingers. The gash traced from the knuckle of his index finger down to the middle of his wrist. It wasn’t deep enough to need stitches, but it _hurt._ It hit him all at once instead of developing steadily.

Just like everything else.

He didn’t give it much mind. His head throbbed more than the slash on his hand. Ironically, it didn’t even reach his hearts. Even unintentionally, nothing would defeat them. He needed to understand that.

The night didn’t get any lighter after that. With an aching body, he crudely cleaned out the small wound and wrapped it in a bandage. He couldn’t do any better with the way his hands trembled, barely grasping his belongings.

He considered calling someone, even shooting Soobin a quick message asking if he was free at the moment. He was the first person on his contact list and in a moment of desperation, he sent it despite knowing their raggedy position.

The message was left on read.

It was useless trying.

Beomgyu didn’t try anymore after that. He didn’t try to do _anything_. He let his mind wander, giving up with trying to silence the deafening roar of thoughts. He left his things scattered on the floor, fluids drying and staining the tiles. There wasn’t any point, was there? He was just _tired._

With that, he simply went to bed, leaving everything for another day.

How many days did he have left before he would eventually break?

* * *

Beomgyu deemed he was at the bottom of the mountain after tripping from the top and tumbling down, colliding with various objects on the way down. He wholeheartedly thought he was at rock bottom and things couldn’t get worse, but he only kept falling.

He was bombarded by schoolwork, his midterms nearing right around the corner. It wouldn’t have been such a hassle if he wasn’t so dispirited and unmotivated almost every passing day.

Even with the heavy feeling, he would’ve been able to get through it, except he had nothing to push him. He would look to his friends, but they were busy with their own things and he wasn’t in such a good position with them.

To add to that, he would look to Taehyun, but the boy had ostensibly vanished.

It wasn’t the first time this had happened. Over the course of the last month, he had a habit of burrowing himself from everything. He’d be back after a day or two, only this time it’d been more than a week. Taehyun didn’t text him. Beomgyu’s messages weren’t even delivered to his phone which only set off more alarms. Not only was he worried, but he could also barely keep up with himself without his safe place.

With some sort of fleeting desperation, he tried to check around the biology buildings almost daily, even going as far as talking to a few professors. Many didn’t recognise the name, brushing Beomgyu off and barely remarking the dimming hope in his eyes when they thought for a second. It wasn’t until he asked the third professor when someone knew him.

The man told him Taehyun wasn’t attending his classes, missing crucial points for his exams. Of course, Beomgyu didn’t care about the latter problem. It would be a burden later for him, not now.

He did try to send him more messages, even going to call a few times. There were no responses, phone ringing into his ear like the sirens going off in his head.

As expected, not all of them were based around the curiosity. Part of him begun to think Taehyun didn’t _want_ to talk to him, that he was eluding him on purpose. Had he caught on to his feelings? Maybe he discerned Beomgyu’s position, not wanting to deal with the aftermath when he’d finally lose himself to the curse.

It was all irrational thinking, only with each passing day he started to believe it more. It was insane to think he’d skip his classes just to avoid him, yet the lucid part of his mind completely overlooked that part, pushing him to believe the first thought and disregard any plausible excuse. It was leisurely eating at him, consuming him deeper into the hole he’d created. As if he wasn’t already deep _enough._

Having gone that long convincing himself he was at the end of a tunnel with no way out, you’d be able to imagine the peak of light when his phone lit up with a message from Taehyun.

Beomgyu was trying to catch up on his work, needing any sort of distraction to busy his mind from spiralling every so often. He’d barely gotten through the first few pages before his phone alerted him. He glanced at it without much care, to begin with, until he saw ‘ _kang taehyun’_ light the screen.

He clambered to his phone without a second thought, the idea of work long gone from the top of his head. It appeared like the least of his worries right now, something at the very bottom of the toppling pile.

**kang taehyun:**

**are you free**

**i need to see you please**

Beomgyu stared at his screen, fingers unmoving. It was definitely off, judging only by the lack of punctuation.

That, and the desperation he could practically feel through the screen. 

_—:_

_yeah of course_

_are u okay? are u hurt??_

_where do u want to meet? ill be there as soon as i can_

**kang taehyun:**

**im outside**

_—:_

_i need u to be more specific than that so i can find u_

_outside where?_

**kang taehyun:**

**your door**

Beomgyu squinted at his phone, scarcely registering the last text. His body began pooling with distress, yet there was a floating boat of enthusiasm.

He hadn’t seen Taehyun, the one person who he _needed_ in a while then, suddenly, he was at his door saying he needed to see him. Even though he didn’t want to completely admit it, he knew the younger was the one stimulating his pleasanter moods.

With haste moves, Beomgyu went for the door, heart pounding abreast his chest and in his ears. He felt jittery, only the good kind. Not the one where his hands would tremble and his mind would crumble.

Swallowing down the apparent adrenaline, he opened the door with a minute click.

Taehyun stood on the other side, visibly deflated. Beomgyu could tell. He could see it in the way his head was dropped, his hair falling over his eyes instead of having his chin raised as he usually would. It didn’t have the volume it did before, ostensibly uncared for. It was in the way his posture was partly hunched over, cowering when he customarily had impeccable posture. He was curling in on himself subtly, arms crossed over his chest.

Lastly, it was in the way he looked at him when he finally raised his head and met Beomgyu's eyes. Instead of the courteous, reassuring gaze he ordinarily offered, his eyes were pleading and jaded, _tired._ When he raised his head, Beomgyu felt a discreet pang in his chest at the disheartened look he was enduring. He wasn’t used to being on the receiving end.

No words were shared, yet Beomgyu _knew_ something was awry. He wouldn’t have been able to miss it with the way he’d commemorated every little feature.

Taehyun watched him for a moment before stepping forward, closer than necessarily expected. He didn’t pause to talk. 

With slackened movements, he deliberately looped his arms around Beomgyu’s shoulders, pulling himself closer to the older boy. His hold was tight, hugging his body as if it would depreciate any lingering difficulties he was going through.

Beomgyu took a while to register the situation, his arms sitting idly at his sides. His eyes widened at the abrupt affection, heart beating so loud he was afraid Taehyun would hear it or feel it against him with the way their chests were pressed so close to each other.

With sluggish, tentative movements, Beomgyu allowed himself to wrap his arms around Taehyun’s small waist, completing the second and final piece of the puzzle. His hold was weak at first, barely-there before something clicked and he felt a swell of euphoria begin to grow in his chest. He held him closer as if the centimetres of space between them were too much to bear.

At the subtle action, Beomgyu felt Taehyun relax against him. His shoulders lost their tension, body weighing more against his own. He let his head fall on Beomgyu’s shoulder, forehead resting against his bare neck. His hot breath hit his skin as he let out a shaky exhale.

Beomgyu told himself to pull away. He tried screaming at his will to think bigger and release the younger in his arms. This would only pull him in deeper, it would drag him under when he was already suffocating under the pressure. He previously acknowledged the passing admiration he felt for Taehyun and he resented the feeling every day. He hated himself for feeling that way, for letting himself get to that point.

This was only emphasising the feeling. After experiencing so many closed off moments with Taehyun he still found a way to fall. Only, now, he was genuinely giving himself to Beomgyu. Other than small, barely-there touches, they’d never really physically been close.

Which was _why_ Beomgyu told himself to let go and shut the door. Shut away from the feelings he had.

He couldn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to do it no matter how much he knew he would regret it.

Instead of doing what his mind begged him to do, he complied to the contrary, tightening his hold around the boy. He raised his casted hand to card a hand through the hair at the back of his head, trying to provide any sort of comfort. It wasn’t as soft as it usually was.

Beomgyu felt lighter. His mind cleared despite knowing the action was meant to comfort the boy he was holding onto even if he didn't speak. Still, he tightened his grip, desperate for the closeness. It was much better being in such a position rather than simply talking to each other, he found. 

"Please," Taehyun's shaky voice sounded, muffled from his position on Beomgyu's neck, "be careful, Beomgyu. _Please._ "

Beomgyu furrowed his eyebrows, unsure of what he was trying to indicate. He barely picked up his hushed voice. Had he put himself in peril before?

He had. He _is_ in danger. He's in a permanent state of vulnerability, wherein at any instant, anything Taehyun could say in the wrong way could wipe him of his life. Of course, the younger didn't know about the latter part.

Beomgyu noted he was talking about the infirm hearts on his wrist. It was the only apparent factor he could consider. He didn't understand why the notion came so abruptly, but he knew it was about his last heart.

Taehyun was asking him to take care of himself. To protect himself from anything potentially damaging. To stop before he was in a situation he couldn't escape.

Little did he know, Beomgyu was already stuck and he was the sole reason for it all.


	10. Threshold

“Taehyun, what happened?”

After dragging trices of stillness, Beomgyu eventually managed to speak through the viscid lump in his throat. His words came out battered and raspy, hardly audible by the emotions clouding it. It would’ve been easier to speak if Taehyun wasn’t adhering onto him so desperately.

This way, it was laborious to breathe. Though, not in a bad way.

Taehyun didn’t answer him, didn’t even acknowledge his question. It was as if the words fluttered past his head, ears blocked by the coating of comfort. Either that, or he was intentionally avoiding the question.

The latter seemed much more likely.

Beomgyu didn’t push him. He didn’t pull away first nor did he repeat his vague query. He ravished in the closeness of their bodies instead, allowing the concern to wither away for that instant.

The little bubble they’d created dissipated once Taehyun lessened his grip, pulling himself back. He pulled Beomgyu’s mind back into reality with a screeching halt.

Still, no words. He didn’t move too far, allowing Beomgyu to rest his hand on the back of his head where the red strands curled around his bandaged fingers. Taehyun felt his palm against the nape of his neck, barely leaning into his touch. The second of eye contact left his heart racing.

So dreadfully deliberately, he looped his fingers around Beomgyu’s wrist, the same hand which was entangled in his hair, the same one which homed the wound and hearts. You win some, you lose some.

“What happened?” Taehyun belatedly voiced, hardly audible over the pounding of Beomgyu’s heart in his ears. He stayed silent for a second, following as the younger brought his hand down, tenderly examining the poorly done bandage work.

“I…” _You.You happened. I’m losing my mind here._ “I hit the back of my hand on some broken glass, just a dumb accident.”

Taehyun hummed, “You should be more careful,” he mumbled, fingers caressing his hand deftly. The tone in his voice indicated he didn’t wholly believe his excuse, yet Beomgyu chose to pretend he didn’t notice.

Before Beomgyu could further question his absence or abrupt affection, Taehyun invited him to walk with him. It was an agile, curt offer, and Beomgyu already knew he was going out of his way to dodge the inevitable questioning.

Nevertheless, he agreed. How could he say no?

They stood side by side, promising only to walk within the perimeter of the building as to stay safe so late into the night. The silvery air bit and nipped at their bared skin, numbing their cheeks and whirling through their hair.

The sky wasn’t littered with as many stars as it could be, an effect of the intensive light pollution. Still, Beomgyu could discern the faint dots on the canvas, only if he squinted hard enough. It was a solid way to keep his mind elsewhere, especially with the unanswered questions lingering through the air, begging to be spoken.

They walked closer than needed, arms brushing with every other step. His warmth was magnetic-like as if his mere presence was enough to lure Beomgyu in, attracting him closer to his body. It was hard to resist the urge and attraction.

“Where have you been?” Beomgyu wondered aloud, inescapably growing weary from dancing around each other. It was tortuously apparent that something was setting him off—something made him leave without words notice only to come back as if he was on the verge of losing him.

No matter how hard he’d try to brush it off, it would lag in Beomgyu’s mind.

Taehyun stretched his lips into a tight line, eyes still trained on the dim path ahead of them. His mind was elsewhere, wandering with the night.

“Have you ever wondered what it’d be like if we didn’t have these hearts on our wrist?” he asked after a moment of silence, albeit avoiding the direct question again.

“All the time,” Beomgyu marvelled curtly as his patience began to simmer under the lack of information he was receiving. Still, he didn’t push. “I would be in a much better place.”

“You really think so?” Taehyun hesitated before speaking, ostensibly caught off-guard by his firm comment.

"Yeah, definitely," he affirmed. Truth be told, he often wished their world was rid of the binds no matter how unrealistic it deemed to be. Why wouldn't he wish for something so dear when he was on the worse end? "I'd do anything to live in a world like that, where we could get heartbroken without consequences."

Taehyun hummed, barely taking notice of the serenity in his voice, the slight desperation. "There would still be a limit, don't you think?"

"Limit?" Beomgyu mirrored, "No way. I would go around throwing myself at everyone i feel slightly attracted to."

Taehyun giggled at his extravagance, his crystal smile breaking through the subtle tension clouding their conversation. Beomgyu found himself smiling too despite finding barely any humour in his comment. It was the effect he felt when the latter would do anything remotely lifting.

"I get that, but there would be a certain amount of times you could get hurt before you'd close yourself off," he added, choosing his words carefully. It seemed Beomgyu wasn't the only one who thought of that alternate universe.

"Why would you do that when you have nothing holding you back?"

"Sometimes, you're your own reason to hold back," Taehyun looked over to him, heavy eyes still sparkling in the dim lighting. "Think of it, if you put all your trust and effort into someone just for them to throw it away you wouldn't want to give it to anyone else, right? To be abandoned again?

Beomgyu pondered on his point, barely convinced. He would've considered them if he wasn't so dedicated towards his hatred for their hearts. In some part of his mind, he knew the younger had a point, only it didn't register fully.

"Yeah, I guess makes sense," Beomgyu murmured through his teeth.

Taehyun took notice of the growing tension in his body language, in the shift of his tone. He seemed to acknowledge the discomfort and uneasiness with the way he simply nodded, looking forwards as they continued their walk around the building.

Except, instead of opening a new conversation or averting the attention, he took Beomgyu's hand in his own in one swift movement. Beomgyu didn't have a chance to react before he intertwined their fingers, locking their hands together in a gratifying motion.

His face homed its customary warmth at the touch, hand slackened against the younger boy's. He marvelled at how delicate and soft his hand felt in his, the weight comforting almost like an anchor keeping him steady. He tightened his grips at that thought.

They walked in comfortable silence, hands interlocked between them. Taehyun didn't seem as flustered as he did, considering he initiated it. Still, a small smile was playing at his lips.

Beomgyu felt like everything was _okay_ for once. Just being there, under the dotted sky with his hand in another. In the one he longed for.

It would've stayed that way.

"Is that Soobin?"

Until it didn't. 

To a point, he'd almost forgotten about their dispute. At that moment, he still had everyone beside him in his mind. That's when everything came back.

Taehyun addressed over the silence, eyebrows furrowing as he looked ahead. He was right, it _was_ Soobin. It would be absurd to miss him with his looming height. He was heading for the entrance to Beomgyu's building, hands dug deep in his pockets with a determined face.

"It is," Beomgyu rustled, unsure of how he felt. He wanted to believe the older boy was on his way to work things out.

"Go talk to him," Taehyun urged him, giving his hand a light squeeze. He didn't drop it, waiting for Beomgyu to do it first. "It's late, I should be heading back anyway."

"Okay," he acknowledged. He loosened his grip before something clicked and he held it tighter before the younger could slip his hand away.

Taehyun looked at him expectantly. "You didn't tell me what happened to you," Beomgyu apprised him, still in the dark about his situation. Even though he knew the younger wasn't obligated to tell him everything, he felt he deserved an explanation on his lengthy disappearance. _Anything._

"I will, Gyu," he gave him an easy smile, solemn even. It was a promise.

He felt slightly lighter thanks to him.

* * *

"Soobin," Beomgyu's voice quivered no matter how hard he tried to cloak the nervousness. He couldn't imagine being able to approach this without the lingering insecurities.

Soobin was stood in front of his door, head down until he heard his voice. He jumped at the sound, startling when he heard the familiar tone he hadn't heard in a while.

"Beomgyu, hey," he blanked, the air suddenly stiff with tension. It was never like this before, he hated it. "Can we talk?"

"Yeah, sure," Beomgyu leapt at the opportunity. He wouldn't let it go, not when he was willingly offering it. He'd been waiting for a chance to redeem whatever was left of their relationship, no matter what time. "Come in."

He let the taller boy walk in first, not needing to offer him a seat. He'd been there so many times considering Beomgyu openly let him over. It was no question that this flat was partially his second home. 

They settled on the infirm couch, awkward shuffling filling the air between them instead of the unspoken words on the tips of their tongues. They didn't sit too close both in fear of upsetting the other, hands folded in their laps as the time ticked ahead.

Beomgyu wanted to apologise, wanted to scream about how sorry he was until his throat ached and contracted.

He craved to express his regret and dictate how much he loathed the time apart. The boy felt he was seconds away from bursting, his chest inflating with the unspoken words.

"I'm sorry," was all that came out. It held a million words within its capacity, he thought. He was baffled, disappointed with himself for not being able to fully reveal himself, throat tightening with resent. Why was it so hard?

"I know," Soobin confirmed. Hearing his voice was strangely relieving for Beomgyu, especially after so long. "I don't know why I dragged this out for so long."

"You had every right to," Beomgyu skipped at the opening, hoping, _praying_ his sincerity was going through despite the lack of depth in his words. "I was being a piece of shit and I was in no place to say those things. _I'm sorry._ "

Soobin nodded, still evading his gaze. "You weren't in the right headspace. I know that now. I just wish you would've told me about it."

"What do you mean?" Beomgyu wondered aloud, staring at the side of his head. If only he would look at him and read the desperation written in his face.

"Doesn't matter now," Soobin shook his head, hair falling over his eyes. "I'm sorry for leaving you for a long time. Kai told me you weren't doing well a few days ago."

Beomgyu swallowed hard, unsure if he could bear the emotional baggage threatening to spill over. "You could say that."

"What happened to your hand?" Soobin sought, only glancing to where his hands were wrung in his lap. He seemed less tense than Beomgyu, at least less than he was before they started talking. That was progress, right?

"I... got angry at something," Beomgyu shrugged it off, his own eyes following the messy bandage. He didn't want the attention on him much longer. It was enough to push him to let everything come back and build up, but not enough to allow him to speak it. "Accidentally hurt myself on something."

Soobin frowned subtly, finally— _finally_ raising his head to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

"You didn't have to be, stop apologising," Beomgyu assured him, throat itching. "I understand why you haven't confessed. I've always known. That day was just... a bad one."

"Where were you before this?"

"Uh, with Taehyun," he muttered, mood shifting at the reminder of the last hour. His hand still felt light, a fleeting contrast to his heavy heart. "He wanted to see me."

Soobin seemed to ponder for a moment, choosing his words carefully. "That day we... fought, were you feeling off because of Taehyun?"

Beomgyu furrowed his eyebrows at the question, opening his mouth to refute the query. He was certain until he realised part of it was true. 

He was adamant on the elder confessing _because_ he was frustrated at his own growing feelings towards the younger. He was afraid of the subtle patter against his chest caused by Taehyun that day so he'd taken it out on Soobin.

In a way, he was feeling off because of him. Not in a malicious way, but in a way where he was cautious with his every step and would do anything to see his goal precisely. Even if it meant lashing out on someone.

He pushed Soobin to confess because he knew he himself couldn't. 

“Beomgyu,” Soobin spoke when he didn't reply, his voice barely over a whisper. It was smooth yet laced with caution and hesitance. He spoke so quietly in fear of setting him off, watching as his hands began to shake in his lap, “ _are you in love with Taehyun_?”

_Was he?_

He didn’t _know._ Beomgyu was lost, so tortuously lost. He sought so laboriously to avoid it, how could he possibly admit to it now? After all the effort and mental torment, how could he realise and accept that it was all for nothing?

He strenuously distanced himself from everyone he thought would potentially mean something to him, pushing away people with genuinely salutary intentions. He shielded himself and wouldn’t let anyone new walk past his protection in fear of dropping his own armour for them.

It would result in his demise, ending in him getting the bullet while they walked away free and unharmed. How could years of isolation go down the drain by something he brought on himself? Just like that?

He couldn’t. He _can’t_ be in love with him. Not after everything. Not with the risk he would put himself in.

It hit him then. Fully so.

_He was in love with Taehyun._

Beomgyu felt the first of his tears trickle down his face, warm and haste as they dropped onto his lap and cascade down his hands. The same hands began shaking excessively, uncontrollably. His breathing grew irregular, large gulps of air catching in his throat as he struggled to let them out.

He felt it all coming down, piling over him collectively even after trying so despairingly to avoid it.

He was so scared. So genuinely terrified of what he'd done to _himself_. His life was quite literally dangling in front of Taehyun. The boy had a pair of scissors and he could cut it short at any given time just because Beomgyu had been so naïve as to fall in love with him.

The revelation shouldn't have been so devastating or mortifying, but how could he think any different when the one thing he was running away from had caught up to him?

How could he be at peace when the monster he was racing against his whole life had him in the palm of his hand because he slipped due to his arrogance and egotism?

Beomgyu brought this on himself, putting himself at risk even though he promised himself he would never come to such a point.

Yet, here he was.

Here he was, realising he'd been yearning for Taehyun’s touch, even so just a delicate brush of his skin against his own. He'd wanted to be close to him. He felt safe around him even though their moments together were so dangerous. He felt the need to protect him and remind him he loved him every so often.

He couldn’t, though. If he told him and got a response he didn't want, it would be the end. He was so deeply in love with Taehyun that he hadn’t even fully noticed it until someone else had to slap it into him.

He was so in love that the heartbreak would be so raw and agonising he’d lose his last heart in an instant and he’d have nothing left.

Not only was he afraid of losing himself entirely to the inevitable curse, but he didn’t want to fall _out_ of love with Taehyun. How could he see the boy any less than now? The feeling of being in love with him was so dreadful yet it made him feel _real_. And it was fucking with his mind.

“Beomgyu…” Soobin wavered, reaching out and touching his shoulder delicately. He understood in an instant when he saw the tears first fall. He knew his best friend. He knew how scared he was and how much this was affecting him even though they'd distanced for a while.

Beomgyu started breathing deeply, breaths coming out uneven and onerous as he hopelessly tried to tranquillize himself. His chest ached painfully, like a spear digging deep through it and twisting with every added burden.

The fear was eating his mind alive, consuming his ability to dominate his thoughts. It was a cage of starved lions being let out to a room made solely out of meat.

“Hey,” Soobin was quick to respond, taking the smaller boy into his arms. His voice was diminutive yet soothing, still, he was uncertain on precisely what to do. He’d never seen his friend in such a state because of how careful he'd been before. “Beomgyu, please breathe with me. Follow my voice, you're—“

“I’m in love with him,” Beomgyu heaved in between his heartsick sobs, throat aching. His mind whirled at an intense speed, giving him a splitting headache. At this rate, his heart could dim right then and there with how much pain he was inflicting on himself. “I’m in _love_ with Taehyun.”

“You—“

“I’m— I’m so _fucking stupid_ ,” Beomgyu wept into his shoulder, clutching his fists in the fabric of his shirt as his knuckles whitened. “I’m so stupid for falling in love with someone with five hearts _again_. It’s always the ones with _five fucking hearts._ ”

"Beomgyu— hey, calm down," Soobin's tender voice echoed through his head, frantic at most. He slipped his arms away from around his shoulders, taking his small fists into his hand and unwinding them from the tight grip of his shirt.

Beomgyu barely registered the movement through his blurred vision, not even through the ranging possibilities running in his mind. Would Taehyun even reciprocate the feeling? Even if he did, would they last long enough or would a small argument set everything off?

“Beomgyu," Soobin voiced once again, this time his voice was unquestionably panicked and despairing. Beomgyu didn't know why he was the one showcasing those emotions when he was the one holding the burden. "Gyu, please— _please_ calm down. Your- your wrist..."

He heard the fear in his voice and through glassy tears, the could see the illustrious crimson glow of his heart flicker. It was fucking _flickering_.

It was for a split second as if there was a bump in the circuit, still, his heart plummeted at the sight. He couldn't recall any other moment he'd shifted from despair to sudden fright so hastily. He shut his mouth, hiccups breaking through every so often as he eyed the remaining heart wearily.

Was he seeing things? That couldn't be it. Soobin warned him of it, which means he'd seen it too. How long had it been doing that?

The scene struck something in Soobin too as his eyes developed a glassy layer, obviously shaken by the near incident. He didn't understand it fully, but the realisation of how much Beomgyu was hurting made sense at that moment. It was enough to push him to break his own heart. What if he hadn't been there?

With a shaky breath, he engulfed Beomgyu back into a hug, tighter this time. He wounded his arms around his shoulders, afraid he'd slip through the crevices.

Beomgyu, still struck by what he'd seen, weakly looped his arms around his middle, hands shaking even more than before. He wasn't crying anymore.

"I promise you, you'll never find yourself in that state. _Ever,_ " Soobin whispered with a trembling voice. He was trying to stay strong for him, even though he felt the hope slowly drain. He couldn't let his closest friend go like that. "I'll take care of you. I'll be here when you need me. _Please,_ if you ever start spiralling again, _call me._ "

Beomgyu nodded numbly against his shoulder even though the words weren't fully computing.

Could he have broken his own heart? Were his fears and love so unbalanced that he was capable of convincing himself it was over?

How could he have gotten here when his intentions were the complete opposite?

It was the universe playing a game of cards with him. The only downside was that his cards were transparent.


	11. Forlorn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for 6k hits and 400 kudos, i’m so honoured! and thank you for all the kind comments, they always motivate me to write more and do the best i can! please enjoy it to the fullest!

For the first time in the last few months, Beomgyu wasn't as deranged.

He wasn't in a mental war with his mind, which was a gaping contrast. 

Still, it wouldn't be dependable to say that he was doing _well._ It had gotten to a point where he'd realised and accepted his situation so much to an extent that he doesn't spend hours deliberating on it.

He knew he was in love with Taehyun.

It wasn't a question of what _if_ anymore, rather a query of what _now_? How does he simply recommence his days with the passing tapping against his chest or the swell of adoration he homed every so often? Most importantly, how does he continue as before when he's on the edge between giving himself to Taehyun completely and losing himself to him?

Wouldn't it amount to the same thing?

Lately, instead of fearing his own feelings, he's been eluding them. After beholding the sinister flash of his heart, he wasn't sure if he could let himself spiral again. Every time a thought called for attention, he would back it down and bury it so deep it would be neglected for another time.

It was a tiring habit at most, nonetheless, a habit. He couldn’t go through everyday with the lingering feeling of breaking down.

Who could blame him, though? He was in a permanent state of jeopardy, threat holding him by the throat so close to tightening its grip just enough to block the airway. With any trigger, though dubious, he felt he could break it entirely on his own.

Which is why Beomgyu went out of his way to spend the last few days away from _himself._ With Soobin's succour, he was far from the idea of unreciprocated devotion. A mere day after the meagre incident, Yeonjun thoroughly apologised to him, practically on his knees for forgiveness.

Of course, he didn't _know_ what happened. It was a hushed agreement between Soobin and Beomgyu not to mention it to anyone, not needing the added attention and potential panic.

So they kept it between them, Yeonjun— and Kai, who's always been there— unaware of the hidden menace. It was fine that way, better, even. He didn't want to worry more people.

Beomgyu wouldn't mention it to Taehyun either. It was an absurd thought, to begin with. 

With the looming problem agonizingly chasing him, he continued to walk as if it was no bother. He ignored it despite its significance and risk. There wasn't much else he could do, was there?

With that mindset, he went on. He went on as if nothing was amiss.

Thankfully, he had copious diversions to aid him through the circumstances. He engrossed his mind in schoolwork and played out his days with his friends as he would before. On top of that, he had Taehyun.

* * *

**kang taehyun:**

**gyu hyung, hey!**

**how're you feeling? did things clear up between you and soobin?**

_—:_

_hi tyun yes it did !! we're good now_

**kang taehyun:**

**that's good to hear, im glad.**

**ah, actually i texted you to ask if you want to meet up today?**

**i owe you an explanation.**

_—:_

_u dont have to tell me if ur not comfortable though_

_u dont owe me anything_

**kang taehyun:**

**i am comfortable.**

**don’t worry about it, i want to tell you.**

_—:_

_oh_

_okay then in that case, where do u want to meet?_

**kang taehyun:**

**actually, i was wondering if you'd come with me.**

**it's friday so im working today for home health aid, ill be spending the day at her home.**

**lee sooyun, if you remember.**

**would you want to come with me? i dont do much, only when she needs assistance and we'd have a lot of time to talk.**

**but if you have plans or anything we can talk another time somewhere else.**

_—:_

_i dont mind! i can come with u_

_id love to meet her she seems really nice_

**kang taehyun:**

**she is :)**

**okay, then, ill come pick you up in a bit?**

_—:_

_sounds good, ill see_ _you!_

* * *

"You seem nervous," Taehyun took notice, sparing him a forbearing glimpse as they walked up the path to Lee Sooyun's home. 

He had a sharp eye, no doubt. Oddly enough, he remarked little things like the cramped fidgeting of his fingers when it came to Beomgyu. Sometimes, he pointed out things he didn't even notice he was doing.

"Nervous?" Beomgyu derided as if the idea itself was laughable. He shook his head, keeping his eyes trained on the path ahead of them. "I'm not nervous, why would I be?"

Taehyun shrugged at his narrative, surely and visibly unconvinced. "I don't know," he grinned, readjusting the small duffle bag he was carrying. With that, he had his camera, the strap looped around his chest. "She isn't my mother, you know. You have nothing to worry about."

"What if she doesn't like me?" he asserted his concern, giving in to the opening he was offering. It was that easy. He really couldn't hide anything from the younger boy and it was starting to disturb him. How much longer until he'd break and confess everything he was feeling?

That was a concern for another time.

"She will," Taehyun spoke honestly, stopping in front of the warm wooden door and digging into one of his pockets, "you're much more likable than you think."

"Whatever you say," Beomgyu told him as if the words didn't have a colossal effect on his heart. 

The younger boy pulled out a set of keys, clanging noiselessly in his hands. Beomgyu had to guess they were much closer than he initially believed if he had a key to her house. It was an odd thought, but he didn't question him.

As they stepped in and discarded their shoes, his worries heightened by tenfold. It was a vague feeling and he couldn't find the will to burry it under anything else. It might've been the insecurity he felt before meeting someone so close to the boy he was in love with, or the tension and curiosity lingering in the air with the promised erudition.

Despite the uneasy feeling, the aura of the home soothed him. It was remarkably homey, much more than his own. The undertones were warm and the place smelled mostly of burnt wood, almost like a blanket of safety welcoming them.

Beomgyu glanced wearily at Taehyun, unsure of what to do with himself. Without hesitance, the younger noticed, sending him an easy smile. It kicked at his heart, giving it that heightening speed as usual.

He followed behind him through the halls before they entered a room walled with many windows, natural light pooling in and illuminating floral furniture. It was airy and refreshing even. He trailed his track until he noticed a small woman rocking in a chair, an open book in her hand and a small cat by her side

"Good afternoon," Taehyun spoke fondly, his voice soft and weighted with adoration. The lack of honorifics and comfortable language further proved Beomgyu's initial thought of their closeness, much more so.

She turned at the sound his voice, short, chocolate brown hair bouncing with her movements. "Taehyun, it's good to see you," she beamed, voice warm as her eyes formed soft crescents and wrinkled at the edges easily. She seemed like the human form of comfort and ease. She looked youthful, yet he could perceive that she was surely around her seventies.

"Is this Beomgyu-ssi?" she looked his way. He perked at the mention of his name, greetings sitting at the tip of his tongue.

"Yeah, it's him," Taehyun confirmed, already crouched down and petting the cat who curled into his touch easily.

"It's nice to meet you," Beomgyu offered a smile, going for a deep bow.

When he rose, his eyes spontaneously locked onto her gaze, which wasn't exactly on his. He readily caught notice of her agitated glimpse towards his wrist. The questioning gaze at the single heart plastered there against his will. It put him in an aroused headspace, itching to conceal the skin there.

"Likewise," she concluded, face indecipherable. Only seconds before her tone was easygoing and inviting, yet now she beamed scepticism, eyes losing their initial softness. Beomgyu felt like passing out. It was so easy for him to notice these.

People were branded by their number of hearts, it was inevitable. A person with three or four is comfortably approachable while one with five is mostly avoided. 

One or two, though? They're stuck in a constant state of enduring pity. Most times, people didn't want to get attached in fear of losing them once their heart would eventually fade. They didn't have faith in these types of people.

Beomgyu was used to it. He _really_ was. Why did he feel sick to his stomach now, then?

"We'll be out back, yeah?" Taehyun stood up abruptly, the tension neglected by him. He discarded the bag at the foot of her chair, looping his fingers softly around Beomgyu's wrist. The action relieved him in the slightest, a few of the worries trickling through the crevices of his touch.

Sooyun didn't say anything, only nodding before returning her focus to the thick book in her lap. She didn't spare another glance his way either.

Beomgyu let the younger boy bring him wherever, mind focused on his gentle touch against his wrist. Small touches like these brought him tremendous amounts of comfort, even when they shouldn't. 

It made him relive what being in love felt like. Having his heart dip and race at trivial things, his thoughts momentarily clouded by his soft voice and eyes. People who are in love generally feel a powerful sense of empathy toward their beloved, feeling the other person's pain as their own and being willing to sacrifice anything for the other person.

He was already sacrificing himself for him, wasn't he? That was the only setback to being so deeply in love.

It had been so long since he’d let himself feel this way. It seemed as if every detail and emotion had heightened, giving him a rush of adrenaline every time without fail. In a way, Taehyun stood out from everyone else.

The younger guided him to the backyard, bursts of colour came into his vision. She had a miniature garden lining the fencing, beds of flowers and foods dug into the soil. The colours were vibrant and grounding, sharply well cared for.

Taehyun brought them to sit on the grass by a few astray daisies and dandelions. He set his camera down beside him, sighing deeply when they were settled. 

He promised to explain but Beomgyu wasn't exactly sure what he was about to dictate. Though the desire to know had been eating him up, he wanted his ease and comfort more than anything.

"You're probably curious."

"A little," Beomgyu admitted, yearning to speed up time, "I hope you know that you don't have to tell me anything if you aren't ready."

"I know," Taehyun consoled him, the corner of his lips curling upwards in the slightest. It would've gone unnoticed if Beomgyu wasn't watching him so keenly all the time. "It's okay. I trust you."

It got hard to breathe when he'd say things like that so coolly, chest tightening around his heart. Beomgyu had worked so arduously to obtain his trust for a radically different reason originally, but now that he had it, he wanted to hold it dear to himself. It was baffling how severely he wanted to destroy that trust when he'd met him, yet now he valued it and felt a sense of euphoria at the words.

He wouldn't be able to demonstrate how he got to such a point in his life.

"Where do I even start?" the younger boy laughed, a grievous undertone playing at his voice. He kept his head down, hair falling over his face. It was just enough to curtain his eyes, unreadable at most. Even though he looked better than the last time Beomgyu saw him, his body still curled inwards and his body looked heavy.

He licked his lips before opening his mouth, nothing but a shaky exhale leaving them. "When I was eleven, my dad passed away," he began, picking at the daisies hidden in the grass.

"I'm sorry for your loss," Beomgyu grimaced, taken aback by the forward statement. It was such a young age to lose a parental figure and he instantly felt the urge to hold the younger boy to offer _any_ sort of comfort.

"It's okay, I'm okay," he shook his head curtly before advancing. "Uh, it was a confusing time for me, even though I was just a child," he paused, choosing his words tenderly, "one of my hearts nearly faded then, but I was too young to fully understand the gravity of it. My mother, though, she _didn't_ lose any hearts when he died."

Taehyun frowned at the thought even though he was well aware of it, voice growing increasingly unsteady. "I guess she never really loved him? It was always only a hoax, I don't know why they kept going. Maybe it was for me."

Beomgyu waited for him to go on, unsure of where the discussion was leading to. It didn't reveal much, but it gave him a slight insight into his life. Was that why he was so reluctant to get close to him initially? Did it have anything to do with his arbitrary disappearances?

"That's not the point, though. Not even a year after, she started dating again and even got married. She was desperate to have some sort of support again," he pointed out, never meeting Beomgyu's eyes, "It was around my birthday. I was turning twelve on the day of their wedding. She said it was to celebrate both of us."

He had a solemn smile playing on his lips as he spoke those words. It wasn't exactly happy, nor sympathetic. It was defeated and bitter, filled to the brim with remorse. It dropped quickly after that, morphing into something of a scowl.

"He left us less than a month after, with a lot of our money and possesions, too. My mother lost her heart then," he paused, an empty silence filling the air before he whispered, " _It was her last heart_."

_There it was._

The information struck Beomgyu, heart toppling and crashing into the pits of his stomach. His lips parted, struck of his words with the declaration.

Of course, _that_ had to be the topic. Why wouldn't it have been?

He didn't know how to console Taehyun when his main problem was Beomgyu's most profound fear.

"Have you ever _really_ met someone with no hearts?" Taehyun asked, voice shakier than before as his helpless eyes met Beomgyu's for the first time since he started talking. It was almost unnoticeable, but it was _there. T_ he conversation had a heavy depth towards him.

Beomgyu thought back to the man they encountered, how the meeting struck him and changed his perspective of things. His head felt light at the memory. That was when it all started going downhill, wasn't it? That was the focal point, opening his sight towards every particular possibility. 

His behaviour was off and unsettling, but Beomgyu didn't _know_ him. He couldn't say he knew how they acted.

"No," he replied, his throat feeling tight, "not personally."

A harsh scoff left Taehyun's lips once again. Not towards Beomgyu, but to the absurdity of the conversation. It was humourless. "It's a fucking nightmare. Not because of them, but because it's normal for our society and _no one_ cares.

"I was _twelve_ , an only child with a mother who lost the ability to love," he shook his head, dropping his head once again as his voice lowered an octave. He was holding back. "On top of that, we lost so much."

Taehyun swallowed hard, taking a second to recollect himself. Beomgyu wanted to stop him from going on, understanding how hard it was to speak of it, yet he didn't get the chance.

"It was so hard," his voice trembled, vulnerability leaking through it, "no one would help because no one understood the depth of our situation. Every day she would just sit on her bed or the floor and stare at the wall for _hours_ , never moving.

"She stopped talking to me, stopping cooking and cleaning. She stopped _caring_ all together. As much as I despised it, I couldn't blame her," he licked his lips again, "I had to learn on my own and take _everything_ upon myself as she locked herself in her room all day. I had to force her to eat and take care of herself since she was incapable. All as a _child.”_

He stopped again, recalling himself and his thoughts. "I never had anyone to look after me. I was scared and alone and I never had time for myself. I don't know how I've made it this far on my own."

Beomgyu didn't know what to say. What could he offer in a time like this which would aid him through his discomfort? His heart felt heavy at the knowledge. It was a mirroring effect which hit him. He felt for him, his deepest hurt and heaviest burdens.

How _did_ he make it this far on his own? Beomgyu was beyond comprehending it. His chest hurt at the thought of a young boy fending for himself and someone else. He grew up with the responsibility without a helping hand at such a young age, stripped of the love and comfort he should've gotten. He was abandoned in his early years, isolated. 

He never had someone to look after him. Not a mother figure nor a father. He didn't have someone to aid his worries or bandage his cuts. No one to teach him his way through or help him dress up. Small things like learning to ride a bike or cooking his first meal were all missed out on because of unfortunate events. 

Why was the world so cruel to the people who didn't deserve it?

"I had one person who helped me until..." he trailed off, not wanting to dive into another situation, "something came up and he left."

Beomgyu didn't question it. He couldn't bring himself to speak.

"I guess that's the reason I work so many jobs," Taehyun continued, gaining security in his voice, "she doesn't send me any money, she never has. I'm the main source of income for _both_ of us. At the start, we had near to nothing, but once I was old enough to work, I started as soon as I could. That and school together was next to impossible. The little money we had left was just enough until I managed to work.

"I missed out on so many school days. I studied whenever I could fit between shifts just so I would be able to get to a point where I could get a stable income," he rambled on, the words falling easily as his wall began to fully crumble.

He continued, "That's why I take molecular biology. Photography isn't going to secure me with a proper job to support us both, even though it's my passion. I'm taking the second major in hopes of landing a stable job with a strong income.”

He was so _hard_ on himself. Beomgyu was aware of the workload he heaved with his double major and jobs, but on top of that he had the burden of an entire being incapable of caring for herself. All this against him.

"Last week, when I left, I went to visit my mother," he emphasised, the insecurity crawling back into his voice, "I go as often as I can because I— I don't know what to do otherwise. I can't leave her alone for too long."

His frown grew, a pained expression making its way back to his face. It was the same one he homed when he was at Beomgyu's door and held him so closely. "When I went this time, she wouldn't listen to me. It's normal, I never say anything when I go, but this time she wouldn't acknowledge me at all. She pushed me away and said some things. It was so _hard._ "

Beomgyu understood why he'd been gone for so long that time, the pieces coming into place with his side of the story. With every added point, he felt even more empathy and pain for him, wishing he could take on his worries and rid him of the hurt.

He was at loss for words. He didn't know how to offer him the solace he needed. He ached to pull him into his arms and let him stay there for as long as he needed, hands itching to do so, but he didn't know if that was what he would need. It was a mental game of tug of war and he never came down to a decision.

"I'm sorry, that was a lot," Taehyun mumbled, wiping his eyes with the back of his sleeve. He didn't let any tears fall, yet they sat there idly.

"Don't apologise," Beomgyu ultimately spoke, the lump in his voice causing his words to come out hoarse and filled with emotion. "It must've been hard to keep that in."

"It's still hard sometimes, but I'm okay now," he spoke in an attempt to reassure him even though Beomgyu could see through the lie. He was usually the one saying it, he knew how to recognise it.

"Are you really?"

Taehyun met his eyes, emotion ridden. "With you, I am."

Beomgyu opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out. How could he speak such words so openly even though the effect was tremendous on him? His heart felt onerous both for him and his mental restriction, still he was longing.

How much longer could he hold back?

"Here," Taehyun broke the atmosphere, holding up a ring of daisies. Beomgyu was so immersed in his story that he hadn't taken notice of the younger weaving up a flower crown as he spoke. He placed it atop Beomgyu's head, resting deftly on his black curls.

Not even seconds later, he went for his camera, playing with the settings before holding it up and snapping a few pictures of him. Beomgyu didn't know what to do in such a position, face heating despite the heavy feeling lingering in the air. Were they just going to move past it?

"What happened to not taking pictures of people?"

"My concept is change, isn't it?" Taehyun disputed, a vague smile playing at his lips as he flicked through the few pictures he took.

Beomgyu saw him differently. 

Not in a bad way fundamentally. He wasn't tainted, either. In a way, he saw him as more admirable. His ardour and affection for the boy heightened considerably after hearing so much about him. He cared for him before, but now it seemed to skyrocket. It got to a point where he felt the need to protect him as much as he could.

They stayed like that, the feeble flower crown resting atop Beomgyu's head as they conversed about various things. The heavy story lingered on his mind, answered questions clicking as time passed. 

Still, Beomgyu felt frustrated with himself for not saying anything. He should've spoken to offer any comfort, yet he felt he would pour his heart out if he started. He had the three words dancing on his lips, unspoken.

Later on, they went in as the sun began to set. He didn't notice how fast time passed when he spent time with him. It was as if such things didn't exist when his mind was so fully immersed.

Taehyun was in the kitchen, preparing a small meal for the three of them. Beomgyu helped him for a while, the domesticity of it all playing games with his mind until he offered to set the table.

He shouldn't have done so.

Sooyun was sat on the far end, eyeing him as he placed everything out. Beomgyu pretended not to notice even though the feel of her glare pierced into the back of his head. Once again, he felt jittery and uneasy. That feeling atop the guilt of not speaking made his head burn.

"How long have you known him?" Sooyun spoke over the hushed ticking of the large clock, her voice startling him as his hand almost slipped.

He looked her way in an attempt of respect, unsure if he should continue his task. "Almost three months now."

"Explains a lot," she hummed. "Did he tell you?"

"Yes, he did," Beomgyu nodded quickly, hoping she was talking about their recent conversation.

"You know, he see's me as a mother figure," she spoke indifferently, her facade starting to sink. "He's over often to find some comfort from a parental figure. I don't blame him, he's never had that type of person."

Beomgyu frowned, a pang hitting his heart once again. He was right. "He's lucky to have you."

"As he has you," her face softened, any sort of malice draining from the wrinkles masking her face. "Take care of him Beomgyu-ssi."

The words took him off-guard. He did feel some sort of need to comfort him, but the severity only hit them. 

It wasn't a burden, though. He was in _love_ with him. He'd never see it that way. 

He reassured Sooyun he'd do exactly so, a newfound sort of determination settling in his mind despite the blaring warning signals going off. Where was he leading himself with this?

Taehyun entered moments later, helping with the table and setting the food.

As they ate, Beomgyu easily noticed how the younger eyes sparkled when he talked to Sooyun, how his aura was much more lifted and relaxed. He was much lighter and his voice was elevated. He truly depends on her and finds so much solitude from her presence.

Beomgyu couldn't rid of the hurt he homed. He couldn't stop thinking of the burden he was forced to endure, still, he felt relieved that Taehyun had her.

Her words played on repeat in his head.

As they left a few hours later, he contemplated many things, mind racing against his thoughts and urges. 

When he went to drop him off, Beomgyu didn't let him leave before bringing the younger boy in his arms, a sense of déjà vu filling the atmosphere.

He relished in the way they fit together so easily, how Taehyun rested his forehead against his shoulder with a shaky sigh of relief. His warm body against his own was enough to share the words he wished to speak. This one, unlike the last, was final.

It was set and firm, almost as if Beomgyu could let everything out then and there. With the answers to most things, he felt more devoted to him, yearning to keep him in his arms for as long as he’d let him.

But, where would that bring him? He’d be in a position of vulnerability, he _knows_ it. He fears it so. Yet, he felt the desire outweigh the consequences. He was being blinded by the raw love for someone else that he could no longer ponder on himself.

Either way, he held him close, unbothered by the rhythmic pounding of his heart playing against his chest. He wasn't ready to let go. 

Despite the obvious trainwreck he had going on with himself, he couldn't bring himself to priorities his worries. It was the wrong move, he knew it himself. He saw the end before it began.

Still, he carried on. Now, he knew his own feelings and, even though he was unsure of Taehyun's, he knew it was worth the risk.

Was it worth his last heart, though?


	12. Inclination

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dedicating this chapter to my life, lin ! <3 thank you for helping me always, i'm forever grateful for you ^____^

If it had been Beomgyu’s choice, he would’ve fallen out of love weeks ago.

It wasn’t that being in love was undesirable. In fact, it was quite a contradiction.

Had it been up to him, he’d fall in love with Taehyun ten more times, over and over, just to home the thrill rustling through his chest. He’d allow himself to enjoy the airy feeling, allow himself to give in to him entirely. To have a solid safe place.

Being in love with him was like walking a tightrope for him. The end appeared so near, totally attainable and, frankly, desired. The only safe option was going towards it or retreating. The latter seemed cumbersome, so his choice was going forward.

Except, balancing his centre of mass on such a frail, skeletal wire proved to be much more of a challenge this time than any other. A single tip of his body would send it all spiralling, dragging him further away from his goal than before. A short sidestep would ruin it all.

A fleeting thought would drag him to what he was intending to avoid.

It made him come to the concluding thought that he’d fall out of love if he _could_. The boy he’d fallen for wasn’t the problem, he never was. Beomgyu was his own problem.

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Taehyun enough to give him his heart. Though some uneasiness hindered, his main fear was himself. The most pain comes from self-destruction, doesn’t it? Broken relationships and faded memories come from the creeping overthinking most people home, from the distrust and doubt in themselves and others.

Being in love was the same for him. He craved it— he has it, but where does he go from there? His heart only yearns with passion and his hand's itch for contact more and more every time they meet. The feeling wouldn’t dull. It wouldn’t cease in his head, no matter how hard he tried to throw it away. He tried to rid of his love, yet things like that weren’t in his hands.

He only wished he’d loved harder before. He wished that one of his former loves would’ve given him more of an effect just so he wouldn’t anticipate it so much this time. Maybe, then, he wouldn’t be as disappointed.

But the past was unalterable. What had been done was his own doing being put out, his own naive mind laying out the rest of his life. If Beomgyu could meet his past self, he would’ve looked him in the eyes and the raw hurt would be enough to send all his thoughts and feelings through.

It wasn’t possible. What was the point in dwelling on dreams? That’s all it had seemed like.

So, when Taehyun had called him, asking to meet again, he wondered if he’d be able to let go of him. If he’d be able to free the energy beating against his chest when he’d hear his voice, the shivers down his body when he’d meet his skin, the warmth in his face when their eyes would meet.

Not any time soon, it seemed.

He wouldn’t be able to control or subside the lump in his throat, the nerves swelling. He realised that when he stood outside Taehyun’s door, his balled fist hovering over the dark wood. He hesitated without a reason to.

Taehyun texted him the day before, explaining— very vaguely— that he needed more pictures. Beomgyu couldn’t fathom why _he_ was needed for that. He guessed Taehyun was taking pictures of people more often, but why was it only him?

He wasn’t complaining, of course. Not when all his attention was on Beomgyu in those moments, when his eyes were set on him only and his mind was focused solely on the boy he was photographing. It left a fluttery feeling in his middle.

Except; he shouldn't feel that way, no matter how warm it made him feel.

“Hyung, come in,” Taehyun’s voice startled him. He’d been so immersed in his land of thoughts he didn’t even remember knocking the door.

He was met with his gleaming smile, his single dimple barely perceptible as his faint freckles sprinkled his cheeks even more so than usual. Beomgyu felt weak in his knees, his heart tugging once again. Why was being in love so cumbersome?

Yet, no matter how huge the burden was, the euphoric feeling he’d get always outweighs the cons.

Taehyun invited him in promptly and only then did Beomgyu notice how his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. His hair was clipped back, two mismatched hair clips holding the strands out of his eyes. Beomgyu found it hard to breathe.

“Are you working on something?” he managed to strangle out, recoiling as he hoped the strain on his voice wasn't as audible as it was to him.

“I was just fixing the set up,” Taehyun buzzed, sparing a glance over his shoulder as he motioned for Beomgyu to follow him.

Beomgyu had only been at his place once before, back when Taehyun was strangely sick and he’d offered to take care of him. Back when his feelings were still undecided and he was battling a game of denial with himself.

It almost made him laugh, thinking of how hard he tried to convince himself that whatever he was feeling didn’t mean much. All that mental effort and exhausted all for nothing. Look at him now. It was hilarious in the most bitter way possible. What was it worth?

He followed closely behind the younger boy, peering around. The place was as small and humble as he remembered, and the size made much more sense now. Still, it was much homier than his own place in a way.

Taehyun led him to a small room adjacent to his bedroom. “This used to be some sort of storage room, but I managed to change it,” he explained as he shut the door behind Beomgyu.

True to his words, it did seem small. Though, it wasn’t crowded or stuffy. The window allowed light to pool in through the glass, painting the room in natural light. Aside from some equipment, not much furniture sat around the area.

He had a beige cloth hung on the wall as a backdrop, smooth as it bundled up around the floor. Around it sat a few other pieces Beomgyu couldn't recognise, flat shiny surfaces placed delicately around. His camera was set up at an angle on a feeble tripod, a single light source stood by it.

Frankly, the boy was dazzled by the setup. Though he couldn’t name most of the equipment, he hadn’t expected it to look professional. It might have just been his lack of knowledge in the field, but seeing the various items showcased his passion for the subject.

It saddened Beomgyu knowing the younger boy had to push it aside at times just so he’d be reassured of his future. How hard was that?

“Do you have any specific ideas?” Beomgyu wondered aloud as his eyes ran across the room, spectating. Taehyun was already at the camera, flicking through some settings with such determination it was admirable.

“Some,” he mumbled, “remember when I took those pictures with the flower crown the other day? I thought I could do some more pictures revolving around flowers."

Beomgyu grinned, a complacent smile tugging at his lips. “Why, because I’m as pretty as a flower?”

"Even more than one,” Taehyun didn’t miss a beat. It was moments like these where Beomgyu would find the words snatched from his lips, leaving a faint breath and a stumble in his movements. “You can sit down," he continued with a victory grin on his face.

Taehyun motioned to some cushions laid out on the floor directly adjacent to the camera. Beomgyu manoeuvred his way there, wary of the equipment and his jittery body. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do, nor did he know how to ordinarily act around the younger boy anymore.

There wasn’t much he could do when he felt like his heart would burst out of his chest at any given moment.

“Do I… pose?” Beomgyu delayed, sitting with his legs in a criss-cross pattern. He didn’t know where to place his hands, or what to do with his face. Feeling notably out of place, he looked to Taehyund hopelessly.

Taehyun only snickered at his lost state, eyes forming delicate crescents. Beomgyu felt as if his purpose on earth was to make him smile. Then, he would be content.

“Not yet,” he explained, turning over to grab something from a diminutive stool. He stepped towards Beomgyu, his bare feet padding against the white tiles. Plopping his body in front of Beomgyu’s, he mirrored his position and placed a few tins of face paint in front of him.

Beomgyu looked at them expectantly, watching as the younger boy began to pop them open. “Face paint?”

“Is that okay? I wanted to paint a few small flowers on your face for the pictures,” Taehyun frowned, “but if your skin is sensitive, I can just edit them in.”

“No, no, it’s okay,” Beomgyu stopped him, “I’m good, you can do them.”

Taehyun beamed at him, already dipping his brush into a bright yellow. He shifted to his knees so he’d be a few inches taller, even when they were sitting.

Beomgyu had to suppress a yelp from escaping his mouth when the younger boy held his hand out to hold his face in place, body closer than needed. The touch of his palm against his cheek caught him off guard, already knowing his face was warming. He hoped his hair was masking the red in his ears.

Ah, Beomgyu deeply regretted his decision now.

Really, what did he expect? He found himself bewildered when he felt Taehyun’s warm fingers touch his cheek, shifting to caress it deliberately just to angle him properly. He brushed some of the hair curtaining his face to the side, eyes twinkling with an indecipherable determination.

But what made it the most difficult—what made Beomgyu’s heart race mercilessly against his chest— was the fact that all of Taehyun’s attention was solely on _him_.

Beomgyu watched as his eyes mapped across the plane of his face, his hand pressed against his cheek, the other already dragging gentle strokes against his other cheek with the brush.

He felt his breath catch in his throat, making it hard to breathe. The younger boy was close— much closer than needed — and it was almost suffocating. He hoped Taehyun couldn't feel the warmth in his face against palm of his hand.

And though Beomgyu claimed to have heaps of self-control, he couldn't stop his eyes from trailing down to the curve of his red lips, diligently glancing even thought he knew Taehyun was watching him. 

Beomgyu didn’t know what to do.

There wasn’t anything he should be doing. After all, he wasn’t the one working. It was more a matter of he didn’t know how to stop himself from doing what he shouldn’t do. He didn't know how to keep himself from closing the distance.

His presence was magnet-like, two opposite ends attracting the most. He habitually leaned into his touch, finding it easy to do so. Something inside of him was banging against its walls, screeching in desperation and clawing at anything just to be freed. It was dragging against his insides, making him feel light-headed. Was this what being so in love again was like? Did he feel this intensely with his few lovers?

It continued to reach, begging to be let out into the open. He found himself physically holding himself back, averting his gaze away from Taehyun’s plush lips, his soft eyes.

No matter how often he told himself it wouldn’t end well if he confessed, a part of him considered it, the words playing at the tip of his tongue.

It was scary how close he got. How willing he was to be so vulnerable.

“Why’d you choose me as the focus of your concept?” Beomgyu abruptly spoke instead, needing a remedy to restrain him from pouring out his heart. The yearning feeling was still gnawing at him, pushing him closer and closer to a breakpoint.

Taehyun paused his work, leaning back a little to look at him fitly. Beomgyu missed the warmth. “You don’t mind, do you?” he moped, worry beginning the cloud the initial giddiness. Beomgyu felt himself wanting to pull him closer yet again, even if he wasn't holding him before.

“No, of course not,” he was quick to reassure him. “You were stuck for a while, so I was just wondering.”

The younger seemed to study him for a second, trying to read past his words. Beomgyu learned it was something he often did, never trusting what was handed to him without knowing its depth. He wished he would trust him enough. The bubbling disappointment simmered down when Taehyun leaned forward again, brushing Beomgyu’s hair back repeatedly.

He enjoyed the feeling of his fingers carding through his hair way too much to admit. Modest, intimate moments like these are what he yearned for.

“Remember the first few photos I took of you? The ones at the park,” Taehyun began, tilting his head to the side in an act of concentration. Beomgyu watched his movement, entranced. “My professor told me it was a start; that I was on the right path. That it was a good change and she said to try more along the line of that.”

“Of me?” Beomgyu spoke, puzzled.

“I guess so,” he shrugged. "When I showed her the ones from Sooyun's place, she was delighted. Though, I wasn’t done there. She said there was something about you in my photos that made you seem…” Taehyun trailed, pondering for a split second, “unattainable, almost.”

“Ah,” Beomgyu dragged, his voice low. What was he supposed to do with that type of information? The words didn’t mean much to him, especially when he couldn’t decipher the correlation. Was that a bad thing? “It works though, right? Taking pictures of people instead of scenery is a change.”

Taehyun hummed, wiping the pad of his thumb over his cheekbone in a delicate matter. Beomgyu told himself that the younger boy was just wiping off a mistake. “Yeah, but that’s not the change I was talking about, hyung.”

“What do you mean?” Beomgyu breathed, hearing his unsteady heartbeat in his ears.

“Meeting you,” Taehyun stopped working, but he didn’t move back like before. He didn’t move his hand away from its resting place on his cheek, fingers brushing against his hair faintly. “That was a change for me.”

Beomgyu couldn’t compute the right words. His throat felt tight, his head light. It felt like he was falling, down and down, tumbling through a never-ending pit. It made his heart skip, a shuddering feeling trailing down his body. His eyes darted between Taehyun’s, trying to read anything from them.

They were guarded, as usual, yet something in the way he was looking at him was asking him to come closer, an opening, inviting. Beomgyu could’ve given in there and then if the consequences weren’t so drastic.

“Meeting me?” he repeated instead, almost wincing when his voice came out too breathy.

He hoped Taehyun would continue working, wished the attention would shift. It was ironic how pleased he was to have his eyes on him, but now, with him looking undeviatingly into his eyes and his hand cupping his cheek delicately, he could barely sit up.

Taehyun nodded, a single tip of his head. “You’re my change, Beomgyu. In a life full of constants, you’re the breath of relief.”

When Beomgyu didn’t reply, he kept going. “I haven’t gotten close to people because I don’t have time to, yet you find time to be there. I had the same routine everyday, and it was tiring. Then, you came, oddly determined to be my friend.”

Beomgyu felt a bitter pang in his chest when Taehyun smiled at the last part. His throat burned with a heavy feeling, guilt flowing and tingling to the tips of his fingers. His intentions were malicious back then, a cloud of resentment was following him everywhere. He was _oddly determined_ to break him. 

If he had just been a better person, he wouldn’t be in this position. He wouldn’t have fallen so fucking hard.

“That’s why I chose you,” Taehyun mumbled, pulling his lips into a thin line. Only then did he look away, averting his gaze down to concentrate on the paints as if they were the most striking things in the room.

Beomgyu's attention was elsewhere. He found his words intimate, the meaning behind them striking his heart and leaving a dent. Beomgyu was on the brink of making a decision he would regret, risky words dancing at the tip of his tongue. Three delicate yet vicious words.

He couldn’t tell him.

“Why do you have all five of your hearts, Taehyun?” Beomgyu asked instead, regret setting in as soon as the words were out.

It wasn’t a question of how he had all his hearts, though it should’ve been his question. Instead, Beomgyu needed to know why from the beginning. Why he’d never gotten his heart broken when he was the most vulnerable he could’ve been multiple times. Why he didn’t go through the same things he did, as selfish as it was.

He was human, he couldn’t stop the feeling of envy. Unfortunate for him, the adoration and yearning overpowered it by a landslide, the initial thought barely there.

Still, his spoken words lingered in the air.

“I knew this question was coming.”


	13. Endure, My Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dedicating this chapter to leo, one of the strongest and most inspiring people i know. thank you, for being a part of my life and for being you. happy birthday <3

Beomgyu knew he shouldn't have spoken until the words were already out.

Had it not been for his curiosity or the aching urge to do something fallacious, he would've never caught himself asking such a secluded question. He was painstakingly aware of his boundaries and respected them. 

The question seemed to catch him off guard as much as it knocked Taehyun, even more so. It struck him how calm he seemed to be.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn't have asked that. You don't have to tell me,” Beomgyu retreated instantly, feeling much more blameworthy when the warm hand fell from his cheek, taking the comfort with it. He wanted to steal his words out of the air and hope they wouldn't come back.

Taehyun shook his head, no concealed malice or discomfort to be seen. “Hyung, it's okay,” he stopped him, voice tranquil and light. “It isn't the first time someone has asked me this.”

Truth be told, he’d seen that coming. It was a natural first thought that anyone would think when they’d first see Taehyun. Branded by his hearts, many may wonder about his abundance rather than his favourite colour, or even his name. That was how it'd been for him, hadn't it?

As for Beomgyu, his current lifestyle was a constant state of receiving implied pity. He didn’t know which was worse.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Beomgyu requested, discouraged. Two minutes, that was all he desired; to go back two minutes where he hadn’t spoken and Taehyun’s hand still shared its heat against his face.

“It was inevitable, wasn’t it?” Taehyun simpered, an underlying bitterness trickling through his voice even though a blatant attempt to conceal it was shown. “I was going to tell you before, but I didn’t want to unload so much on you.”

“You’re not a burden, I hope you know that,” Beomgyu consoled him faster than needed as the casual urge itching to touch him arose again. It was getting unbearable at this point. “You can tell me anything.”

Still adequately close, he met Beomgyu’s eyes, hesitance glossing over them surely. “Thank you,” he paused, averting his gaze. 

With a shaky inhale, he began. “When I told you about…” a pause, ostensibly recalling his thoughts, “everything, I left some out about someone helping me.”

Beomgyu nodded encouragingly even though the younger boy’s eyes weren’t watching him. At this moment, he was opening himself up wholly, the steel door encasing his feelings beginning to slide open for Beomgyu to probe at. His heart felt heavy, both in his chest and on his wrist.

He hummed instead, hoping the tender murmur from his voice would guide him and let him know he was listening. He was unceasingly listening when it came to him.

“There was this boy I knew from school,” Taehyun proceeded deliberately, his voice delicate, “we were close and all that. Uh, he had one heart.”

Beomgyu grimaced at the erudition, the fabric sleeve around his wrist beginning to itch annoyingly. All of Taehyun's wicked encounters seemed to have been with people with a single heart. How had he let Beomgyu in? He wondered if Taehyun used to avoid people like him, just like how Beomgyu steered away from people with a full wrist of hearts.

Times had changed, and so had he. All because of one boy.

“He knew about what happened with my family, and he’s one of the reasons I hadn’t given up back then,” Taehyun fluctuated, beginning to lose the therapeutic stability he usually voiced. “He’d even lend me money at times no matter how many times I asked him not to.”

He swallowed, shaking his head. “But, I guess he did all that to get my attention in the end. He was always around to help and I thought it was a friendly thing but,” he concluded, a sad look draining his face, “he loved me.

“So, around our junior year of high-school, he came up to me with wide, _sparkling_ eyes and confessed right there, no hesitance nor doubt. He was nervous, of course, but he was set on the idea that it was reciprocated,” the first crack in his voice was heard. “He had so much hope.”

Beomgyu was taken aback when the vulnerable boy looked up to meet his eyes, tears brimming the edges in a way he hadn’t seen before. Sorrowful creases mapped his face, unlike the smile lines he loved so greatly. His eyes homed onerous amounts of baggage and burden, ones Beomgyu wished he was strong enough to carry for him.

He breathed, broken, his voice belatedly breaking fully. “I couldn’t reject him, Beomgyu. Not when he was on his last heart, not when he was the only person I had left.”

The weight he carried was slowly but surely crushing him, ignored until it was unbearable.

“I told him I liked him too. I didn’t know what to do and I told myself that if I tried hard enough, I’d feel something around him and we’d be fine. We ‘dated’ for a while and it was so hard keeping up without the actual feeling,” he advanced, regret leaking through his voice. Beomgyu knew where this was going. “Everytime I looked into his eyes, full of adoration, I couldn’t tell him.”

Beomgyu suddenly felt imperilled, a husky breath catching in the base of his throat. There was no doubt that his stance softened and his eyes sparkled with love when he looked at Taehyun, he knew it himself. He’d acknowledged it ages ago.

Though, had Taehyun seen it too?

He abruptly felt guilty for feeling this way, especially when it wasn’t about him, but did Taehyun feel compelled to stay by his side to protect him from himself? Were the last few weeks a mere act of charity just to save him from what could be? It wasn’t something he reflected on before, yet now it was at the front and foremost part of his mind.

It felt worse than thinking of rejection. Even though he didn’t want to think that way, he knew that if he was doing so, he would be doing Beomgyu a favour. 

And even though he wasn’t sure if it was the case, he knew that if he did leave him, he wouldn’t feel the way he did now. _He wouldn’t feel at all._

It had added to his list of insecurities, to the pile of reasons why he shouldn’t feel anymore. It was never-ending, was it? He’d continue in a cycle of remorse. Is that what he was destined to do?

“One year,” Taehyun licked his lips, holding back. “I kept it up for one year just to avoid something that was bound to happen no matter what I did.”

“Taehyun—”

“He wasn’t stupid. He knew me and my habits, so, eventually, he found out and confronted me,” he spoke with a fracture in his voice, “he talked to me, which turned into yelling. Once he outright told me I never liked him, it was like a switch was flipped and everything was _real_.”

Only then did Beomgyu notice the gentle dripping of the tears rolling down his face.

“The light faded in his eyes right in front of me,” he barely strangled out, completely unsteady, “from his eyes and his last heart.”

This time, even with the newfound terror settling in his heart, Beomgyu didn’t delay. He reached out, the first to do so in a long time. When his arms encased his body close, ignition of a raging fire was lit in him, contentment and doubt clashing together and fueling it to its max.

The feeling worsened as the younger boy slipped his arms around Beomgyu’s middle, arms slightly trembling as he clasped onto him. His face was tucked into the curve of his shoulder, heavy breaths fanning his skin through the fabric. He didn’t feel the tears staining his shirt, more the unsteady beat languidly syncing with his own. 

“I haven’t thought about it since it happened. I wasn't allowed to see him again, his parents didn't let me,” Taehyun muttered against his shoulder, his fists balling at the back of Beomgyu’s shirt. “I don’t want to hurt anyone like that again.”

“You won’t. Not on purpose, you never will, okay?” Beomgyu sought, making sure the vulnerability wasn't present in his voice. He wasn’t sure if he was trying to satisfy himself or the boy in front of him. “I’m sorry for asking such a heavy question.”

“Don’t be,” Taehyun exhaled, warm breath rolling down the length of his neck. “It wasn’t healthy for me to keep it in anyway.”

Taehyun pulled back slowly, body seeming heavy as he rubbed at his tear-stained cheeks.

At that moment, Beomgyu found him beautiful.

It might’ve been the real emotion written across his face or the bittersweet mellowness in his eyes. It was in the way his hair, still clipped back, was lost in the restraints, a few stray strands flowing with his movement. It was in the glossy shine against his face from the tears that had escaped and the redness in his cheeks.

Or maybe it was the way his eyes shone with peace; like he was allowing himself to feel exposed for once. He was hurting, but he wasn’t letting the hurt consume him any longer. Instead of holding it back in the grip of his fist, he was sharing his battle.

All of that with the tenderness in his voice and the passion in his actions made Beomgyu see him as something so genuinely beautiful. Only then did he realise he couldn’t blame himself for falling.

“Do you want to continue?” Taehyun croaked, laughing quietly as he found the situation humorous. Beomgyu felt his heart flutter and constrict at the same time, he felt it move at ease in a cage he’d built.

“Only if you do,” Beomgyu grinned, head light. He didn’t know what was overcoming him, but for the first time in a long time, being in love like this felt _good_. “We don’t have to if you don’t feel like it.”

Taehyun shook his head, retrieving the discarded brushes and coating them with colour. “I’m good,” he huffed, voice still lacking its initial strength. He didn’t have to keep up the facade anymore. “I’m going to paint a few on your neck, if that’s okay?”

“Yeah, it’s okay, Hyun.”

With that affirmation, Taehyun nodded. Beomgyu tried not to grimace when he felt the first cold stroke trail just under his jaw, holding his breath. 

The same clawing feeling was beginning to rise, crawling up the length of his throat. It stuck there, unable to break through his will. When he thought about it, Taehyun deserved to know he was loved. He deserved to know that, even though his past had proved him incapable, he had someone who marvelled at the thought of _him._

He deserved that much, but Beomgyu wasn’t sure if he could handle the outcome.

Instead of battling the question of whether he was in love or not, he was now dangling between the choice of _telling_ him or not. 

Truth be told, he didn't see himself falling out of love any time soon. No matter how adamant he was on the thought before, he knew he would fall over and over again. What was the point of prolonging something inevitable? That had been the morale of Taehyun’s story, hadn't it?

Worst case scenario would be a jarring rejection, but he knew Taehyun wouldn’t put him down harshly. Still, would he feel pressured to accept his confession? It was the same scenario; the same hopeless, single-hearted boy in love with a tainted angel. 

Except, it could be different. Even though Beomgyu told himself not to give himself any bit of hope, a part of him tried to reassure and diminish the glowing flame by telling himself there was _something_ reciprocated.

Hadn’t that been the case for the boy Taehyun once knew, though? He mentioned his sparkling eyes full of hope. Beomgyu was falling into the same trap unknowingly.

He knew it’d hurt more if Taehyun forced himself to be in that situation with him. He didn’t want to unload that burden on him, even though his heart yearned for the closeness. Though some of the things he said gave him some sort of hope, he couldn’t continue with his life riding on hope. That was a foolish action.

What was he meant to do, then? What was he reckoned to do with the jars of love, filled to the brim, idly sitting at the side as their contents grew? They’d eventually spill over, up until he couldn’t contain it anymore. What then?

“You’re shaking,” _a gentle touch on his hand, a single statement._

“I didn’t notice,” Beomgyu mumbled, trying to subside the tremble in his fingers. It was easier with the weighted warmth caressing them softly, easing him into complacency. He felt soothed as his thumb trailed against his skin, unknown patterns being drawn out.

Nothing more than that was said, only the little acknowledgements floating in the air between them. It was more than enough. The mutual understanding was left unsaid, yet it was more potent than expected. He found he could get used to this dynamic instead of heartfelt, ardent speeches.

This was easier, yet easier wasn’t always better.

Minutes later, Taehyun shuffled back, examining his canvas. “It’s done,” he marvelled, pushing himself off the floor to situate himself behind the camera.

“Do I get to see it?” Beomgyu frowned, tempted to trail his fingers over the paint on his neck.

“Not yet,” Taehyun fiddled with the settings, a pout playing at his lips as he focused.

The initial awkwardness had begun to set in there, cooking up fidgety and unsure feelings from Beomgyu. He sat up straighter, unsure of what else to do with his limbs. Was he supposed to smile?

“Just look at me,” Taehyun noticed his uncertainty through the thin lens.

Beomgyu was always looking at him.

It wasn’t too hard from there. With a few adjustments of his hands, all he had to do was what he was so used to doing unintentionally. This was no more than an excuse to study his well-known features even more so than usual, this time having a purpose.

And, still, his heartbeat sped up, hammering against his chest so familiarly. The feeling would never cease, would it? It wouldn’t dull nor would it simmer down.

What was the point in keeping it to himself?

It was a dangerous and heedless thought he shouldn’t have thought of, yet it was the most prominent one in his mind. His mind spun just thinking about it. He was genuinely considering it on such a whim it was disquieting. Despite the dangers, he felt safe in his presence.

When Taehyun finished up the photoshoot and cleaned out the area— and Beomgyu’s skin— he was ready to send Beomgyu off with a string of thanks. They stood by the door frame, facing each other. 

Beomgyu felt as if he was teetering on an edge, ready to burst and fall.

“Thank you for doing this for me,” Taehyun looked up at him, his shorter height requiring him to tilt his head just that much. It made it all that much more tempting to bring him into his arms.

Beomgyu nodded, a single tip of his head. “I’m honoured you chose me, honestly,” he grinned sincerely. Unspoken words danced at the tip of his tongue, pressure building. _Speak. Say the words._

“I’ll send them to you once I’m done editing them,” Taehyun informed him, even though he’d told him this before. _He was stalling._

The tension between them grew, anticipation seeking its home in their minds. They waited for two different reasons. Beomgyu wasn't sure why, but he felt as if Taehyun knew exactly what he was thinking, what he was hoping to do. 

It was almost as if he was waiting for it with how he looked at him so expectantly. 

The words played at his lips, begging to be spoken and let out, waiting to be acknowledged.

Taehyun was watching him with those wide, doe eyes, trying to read into his upfront speech. For the nth time, he felt his gaze on him as his own eyes trailed to the plump curve of his lips, the urge building. _Kiss him._

“I…” Beomgyu trailed, confidence draining from the tips of his fingers. Taehyun nodded, almost as if he was begging him to continue, to spell out the confession he’d decided on impulse.

It was all wishful thinking.

“I’ll see you soon,” Beomgyu finalised, pretending not to see the elusive fall in Taehyuns shoulders when the words left his lips. 

The younger boy nodded, face contorted into an indecipherable emotion. “See you, hyung.”

He left with a heart full of regret.

* * *

The constant, nagging feeling shouldn’t have bothered him as much as it did.

Beomgyu didn’t know why he couldn’t dwindle the feeling, why he couldn’t convince himself enough that it was going against everything he’d built. He couldn’t decipher why a part of him was so set on expressing his feelings when a bigger part of him knew the risk.

He was getting tired of this. The last few months had been constant wars against himself, and only himself. It was a rinse and repeat cycle of resolving one problem only for another to arise and take the wheel. 

His mind played logical parts, urging him to hold back and endure. _Endure, endure, endure_.

Alas, the heart was always stronger than the mind.

The heart _yearned,_ the heart _controlled._ It gave him the push and hope he indirectly looked for, no matter how much he told himself he didn’t need it. His mind rendered on the _what-ifs._ What would’ve happened if he told him he loved him that day? If he’d kissed him?

It had only been more than a week since he last saw him. The day he left his home, his fingers itched for redemption and his mind filled with regret. He’d been so set on the idea of keeping it to himself, what had changed?

He wasn’t _avoiding_ him, per se, even though it seemed like that. He did neglect his texts and evade every chance to talk, but that didn’t necessarily mean he was avoiding him, right? That would be childish.

“What’s on your mind, hyung?” Hueningkai broke through his wall of heaping concerns. His voice was tame and tranquil, the atmosphere around them mirroring the feel. He’d come over with a meal for Beomgyu, the two eating together in his living room. Beomgyu embraced his presence, thrilled to have a remedy.

“Hm?” he hummed through his dazed state, taking a split second to let his question settle in. “Oh, nothing.”

“That isn’t convincing at all, I hope you’re aware of that,” Kai beamed, an underlying tone of seriousness peeking out through the playfulness in his voice. Despite his younger age, he caught onto every single detail so effortlessly and was cautious with his words.

Beomgyu shrugged, hyper-aware of his eyes tunnelling into him as he fiddled with his food. “It didn’t have to be.”

“Something is bothering you,” the younger boy frowned, welcoming, “you can tell me, you know?”

“I know, Hyuka,” Beomgyu gained the courage to look into his eyes, but not the courage to lie to him again. He still didn’t know about his primary intention. He’d been lying from the start when he told him he talked to Taehyun out of a change of heart. “Thank you.”

A silence grew between them, familiar and comforting as they ate in silence. Tupperware clinked against bowls and plates, occasional sentences shared between the two.

These were the moments in which Beomgyu felt truly eased. In times like these, he could breathe.

“Did Yeonjun tell you?” Kai wondered aloud, his eyes lighting up with an unexplained excitement. 

Beomgyu furrowed his eyebrows, unable to recall their conversations. “Tell me what?”

“He’s going to confess to Soobin-hyung,” he expressed eagerly, lips pulling into a wide grin. Beomgyu paused, allowing the words to settle before his mouth fell open. His chest flooded with pride, optimism for his friends.

“Holy shit, seriously?” Beomgyu gasped, oddly over-emotional just from the information. “When? Has he already done it?”

Kai giggled at his spirit, “I think Soobin would be messaging you like crazy if he already did.”

“Fair point,” Beomgyu approved, still the feeling didn’t subside. At least part of him, that part being his purpose— _Soobin_ —could be happy. “Do you know when he’s going to confess?”

Kai shook his head, “Not really,” he beamed, “but he said he would do it the next time it felt right.”

“The next time it felt right? Beomgyu repeated his words with more complexity laced into them. “What does that even mean?”

“Beats me,” Kai shrugged, tugging back his fluffy hair. He thought for a moment, tilting his head. “But, it works, doesn’t it? It fits the type of dynamic they have, the bond they share.”

“I guess so,” Beomgyu nodded along, not really catching up to his words. This is what he meant when he trademarked Kai as cryptic, but it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Not to him, at least.

The split second of silence grew, “What about you?” Kai searched him just when he thought the topic would be dropped. 

“What about me?” Beomgyu reversed the question, unsure at what he was trying to hint at. There was no reason for him to explain himself for anything, really. He hoped he hadn’t been too obvious with the imminent weight that was following him around and dulling his mood. It was easier to pull on a smile than to explain the frown.

“What timing fits your personality?” 

Beomgyu looked at him, hoping his confusion would be sent through. “What are you talking about, Kai?” he questioned him again, fretfulness beginning to grow.

“You know, he’s been asking about you.” the younger boy continued as if he hadn’t heard his previous question. Before Beomgyu could ask him to elaborate, he went on. “Taehyun.”

“Has he?” Beomgyu played to act as if the information hadn’t ignited that same fire that burned brightly in his chest. He kept his emotions suppressed, hoping they wouldn’t seep through the cracks of his act. “You two seem close.”

“We are. He’s been asking where you’ve been,” a pause, “why you’re not speaking to him.”

“I’m not _not_ speaking to him,” Beomgyu frowned, knowing he was lying to two people in a room full of himself and one other.

Kai shook his head, adamant on his words. “He says you are, though.”

“So what? You take his word over mine?” Beomgyu grimaced when his voice came out more resolute than he expected, yet the latter didn’t seem as affected. It almost seemed as if he expected this. 

He knew Beomgyu well enough to know he had a certain limit before he couldn’t hold himself back. He forgave him for it years ago.

“I am, only because I can tell from _you_ that he’s right,” Kai countered, his usual calm and collected stance maintained throughout the conversation they shared. He was urging him, giving him the push.

“Damn it, stop being so cryptic, you child,” Beomgyu tried to joke through his worry, hoping it would shift the conversation so he wouldn’t have to face the reality of the situation.

“Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you’re smarter,” Kai chuckled. Beomgyu almost breathed his contained breath of relief when he thought the conversation had changed. _Almost_. “Hyung, how long will you hide?”

“Hide? I’m not hiding— what would I be hiding from?” he refuted, taken aback by the accusation himself.

A breath of silence, “Yourself.”

He knew he was right. He’d accepted it as soon as they started talking and he knew they would have this talk once the younger boy stepped into his room. Still, he chose to ignore it, disregard the gravity of it just so he wouldn’t have to go through the trouble of facing it.

But, eventual issues were bound to happen, and dragging it out would only worsen the burden over time. He learnt it the hard way.

“I know you’re scared, but if you’re looking for a sign, this is it,” Kai knew when to push him, knowing by how much, “this is your chance to be happy again. If I can’t give it to you, he can.”

“What?” Beomgyu met his eyes in confusion, the last few words not sitting right with him. His tone was off from the rest, a concealed sincerity to it. As soon as he looked at him, the younger looked away.

“I’m saying go tell him,” Kai settled.

Beomgyu still chose to procrastinate even though he knew it was hopeless, “Tell him what exactly?”

A bittersweet chuckle, “You know, Hyung.”

He did, but where would he go from there?

“Eat up,” he instructed instead, taking a girthy bite from his own food to prove his point. “You’re not going to grow if you don’t stay healthy.”

Although the instantaneous shift of conversation was odd, Kai knew it was him asking to close it. He nodded, “I’m already taller than you, though.”

Beomgyu chucked a wadded tissue his way, smiling when it elicited a disgusted shriek from the younger boy. His initial ease began to settle in with that.

Still, without a doubt, his words lingered. The conversation was a broken record player repeating in his head, reminding him over and over again of what he’d said, what his words weighed. 

_This is your chance to be happy again._

That was all he wanted, wasn’t it? That was what he was looking forward to all his life through the torturous trials and hardships. He waited and waited for a moment where he’d simply sit and be content with where he was, with what he had and with what was in store for him.

If he’d given in and confessed, would he have that? Would he home that contentment or would he regret the decision for as long as he could?

Funny how a single choice had such drastic outcomes— how a few words could be detrimental.

Hours later, when Kai was leaving for the night, Beomgyu found himself on his couch, pondering his words once again. He wasn’t necessarily doing anything, but his mind was at work, running miles and miles.

There it was, once again. There was the familiar burn he never managed to dim. The same one which sparked when he lashed out on his hearts, the same one which grew when Taehyun told him everything, the same one which roared right now

It was as if he’d suddenly found the right thing to diminish the flame just enough to control it before it burned it all down.

He _loves_ Taehyun. What was he doing here sitting on the idea of what-ifs when he could be out there pursuing the views? Why was he wasting his hours in pain when his medicine was out there, right in his grasp?

_What was he doing?_

That was a question for his mind and what he was doing right _now_. When he jumped off of his seat and shrugged on a nearby jacket without checking his appearance, he asked himself, what am I doing?

It didn’t stop him from pursuing it further, already outside his door as it clicked behind him amidst his messy, haste movements. His feet were already padding against the wooden flooring as he whipped out his phone and opened up their chats.

**[10:53pm]**

_\--:_

_are u home?_

**kang taehyun:**

**beomgyu?**

**you haven’t texted me in ages, is everything okay?**

**yeah, im home.**

**beomgyu???**

**are you still there? hello?**

His heart was racing.

Beomgyu couldn’t tell if it was from the strenuous strain he was putting on himself or from the impatience beginning to settle in as the wind beat at his dark hair. His legs ached from the impromptu exercise, but it didn’t slow him down.

He ran. 

He ran as if this was his only chance. Like, if he didn’t do this now, he would never be able to do it again. Partially, it lived up to it. Beomgyu didn’t think he’d grow this determined ever again, not with his state.

The boy had to tell him, he wouldn’t go on otherwise.

So he pushed himself. On and on, he ran as his feet hit the ground and his arms swung at his sides, every step digging him deeper into his decision. His hair flew on end, the wind tangling through it. His breath was heavy, short and deep as it struggled to keep up with his acceleration.

It would be worth it. _Endure, endure, endure._

And, even though he was driven with fear and extensive knowledge on what would happen if it went wrong, he knew he wouldn’t regret it. He knew this decision would be taken no matter what.

He gripped the railings of the stairs of Taehyun's dorm building, limbs aching as he skipped steps and hoisted himself up. _Now or never._

His chest was tight when he reached the familiar door, no hesitance holding him back from banging against his door.

So, what _was?_

He’d come all this way without a reason to stop, so what was holding him back when he was a meagre few seconds away from doing exactly what he was hoping to do?

Beomgyu wanted to curse at himself when he paused, balled fist centimetres away from signalling his arrival. His chest rose and fell irregularly, the stillness of the night accompanied by his heavy pants.

It wasn’t fear, no. It wasn’t the thought of being let down or the need to protect himself from being hurt. He was past that.

Then what was it? What was stopping him?

Could it have been the dwelling possibility of being loved back? Was he even _deserving_ of that?

He couldn’t do this.

He couldn’t wait longer.

With affirmation, he finally rapped his knuckles against the solid wood, quick, haste knocks. This was it. 

Seconds later, the door swung open, not even needing to wait that long. The younger had probably anticipated his arrival from his cryptic message and sudden disappearance.

Taehyun looked at him, a shaky exhale breaking through his lips when he saw the taller boy. He knew.

_You’ve endured enough, this is the end of your hardship._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ! this is one of my favourite chapters so far and i hope you liked it and will anticipate the rest ^____^ don't be shy, go ahead and leave your thoughts , i'm always happy to hear them!
> 
> on top of that, thank you for 600 kudos and almost 9000 hits T^T i can't express how grateful i am !
> 
> on a final note, i'd like to dedicate this partially to my handsome friend, neru. thank you for inspiring me, you're incredible.


	14. Philanthropy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for the dreadful wait for this chapter T_____T i didn't want to disappoint with this one, and i really hope you'll like it

_Silence._

It’d been the furthest thing Beomgyu weighed on his journey here. In his head, he outlined a sensational scene with teetering details and fireworks. He had a picture of a grand love declaration which he’d be entirely content with no matter the outcome. 

But, that was it. That was all he thought of. The boy didn’t think of _what_ he would say which would drive to that result. He didn’t consider the apt words to use which would thoroughly describe the adoration which smothered him every day, begging to be said.

Nothing he could think of would live up to the strength of his emotions. No words would compute the raging thoughts which stood by him daily.

This wasn’t like the movies he watched months ago to remind him of the feeling. There wasn’t any staircase to the climax, no easy slide down after conquering the _big, intimidating_ force. This was real, raw enough for him to realise nothing was scripted. It was all on him.

His throat closed up when he met Taehyun’s watchful eyes, welcoming and expecting, yet laced with confusion. It shouldn’t have been this hard, all he had to do was _start_ talking and he wouldn’t stop. There was so much to say yet no means of bringing it forth.

They stood like that for a few seconds too long, Beomgyu’s heaving breath being the only thing holding them back from standing in complete silence. The tense air pooled in moments later, unspoken words dancing with the wind in rhythmic movements, almost as if teasing Beomgyu, edging him to go on. 

Everything felt out of place, yet he wouldn’t be anywhere but here.

“Beomgyu?” His voice was softer than usual. _Serene._ “Do you want to come in?”

In the musky moonlight, his eyes twinkled with more than empathy. Were they always like that? He couldn’t tell.

He shook his head, harsher than intended. He couldn’t imagine how he looked to Taehyun; sweat matting his forehead, chest heaving as his eyes must have looked close to manic with the heaps of desperation.

Already off to a bad start, he couldn’t help but wince when the younger took a step forward, fingers reaching out to touch him. “Hey, it’s okay. Come in and drink some water.”

Beomgyu wanted to protest— to say no and demand time to speak. He wanted to slap himself for not being able to talk as if he had his thoughts out on a script in front of him. He had so much to say, yet nothing was leaving his mouth.

He only nodded, his heart rate never ceasing its rapid thrum. He felt lightheaded with the weight following him around, an inevitable feeling of remorse seething through the euphoric feel of adrenaline. He could do nothing but wait as the dread began to overtake.

“I’ll get you some water,” Taehyun declared, leaving no room for Beomgyu to refuse. He wasn’t going to say anything either way. All this time and not a single word had left his mouth, his conscious was laughing and making fun of the phoney confidence he readily convinced himself that he had.

Without Taehyun’s presence in the room, time dragged as Beomgyu’s situation _really_ began to settle in. Was he genuinely ready for this? To put his final heart on the line?

One would have to put a prodigious amount of trust into another for them to love them on their last heart. It was as if they were allowing the latter to wield a hammer, a sole tap enough to shatter their fragile world. They would be giving the last bit of their life into someone else’s hands, the path on where it’d go up to them.

That’s how Beomgyu perceived it, because, quite frankly, he felt _too_ much for it to be any less. It baffled him how willingly he came here, ready to be faced with the worst without a flicker of hesitance, not up until now. 

He _did_ trust Taehyun— he _does._ It just scared him how far that trust ran.

“Here,” a glass of water was held before his face, reminding him of where he was, to begin with. Taehyun was standing in front of him and Beomgyu had to crane his neck up to look at him from his position on the couch. 

He wondered if his eyes sparkled from Taehyun’s perspective. 

“Thank you,” he croaked, unaware of how dry his throat ran until he tried to speak. He flinched when it came out hoarser than expected, promptly downing the glass seconds after. If he had something to say, would his voice crack halfway through?

Taehyun only nodded in acknowledgement, taking a seat on the couch beside him. He made sure not to situate himself too close to Beomgyu, he noticed. The older boy tried not to scowl at the gap, tried not to show how touch-starved he was when it came to him.

After seconds of staring at the empty glass in his hand, he wondered if he should just leave. If he couldn’t say anything, was it even the right thing to do? 

“Are you okay?” Taehyun questioned delicately. It was a cliche question, almost _always_ met with a faux reply. Nothing was okay, yet at the same time, being here with _him_ , everything was okay.

“Yeah. Yeah, I just wanted…” Beomgyu breathed, “I _needed_ to tell you some things.”

Taehyun stirred beside him, not closer, but more comfortably. “Okay, I’ll listen.” He told him clearly, leaving no room for him to delve into any concealed meaning behind his words. 

A shaky inhale, a rush of warmth. How ironic how this was always how he felt around him no matter the situation. 

“You know, I never thought I would feel what it’s like to be in love again,” Beomgyu muttered. _In love._ That’s how he was starting, and how he feared it was ending. “And I didn’t want to for the longest time.”

It dawned upon him then that fear may be the last emotion he would feel. 

If these moments may have been the last with his warmth in his chest, why would he send them off with troubled thoughts and hesitance? As dramatic as it seemed, why would he give himself away while ridden with timidity and agitation?

Beomgyu allowed himself to be immersed in his love for the first time.

He’d rather be wrung of warmth than fear.

“I mean, you can imagine, right?” Beomgyu advanced, holding out his wrist as a paltry chuckle left his lips. He noticed how Taehyun’s eyes didn’t leave him even when he signalled at his single heart. Would it be easier if he was looking away? “I was content with depriving myself of receiving or giving that type of love. I didn’t need it.”

He paused a second too long. “Until I did. Until I couldn’t stop myself from wanting.” _You, gone unspoken._

Taehyun didn’t speak, only let himself be spoken to. Beomgyu couldn’t bring himself to look at him, unsure if he’d be met with what he wanted or what he was dreading.

“And I know I shouldn’t because my conscious would dim my own heart,” he spoke outright, “but a part of me was desperate to feel that way again— to have fallen so hard it was intoxicating. I couldn’t slow it down or get rid of it.”

Beomgyu swallowed the rigid lump in his throat, chest swelling with giddiness and a glimmer of uneasiness. “Because it gave me something to look forward to,” he looked to his side, meeting his eyes. “You gave me a purpose.”

Taehyun was smart. If he hadn’t caught up before, he understood now. His truth was spoken, the so-called _love_ he’d hinted at given away. Beomgyu couldn’t tell what laid behind his eyes, what worked at his mind at this moment. He couldn’t bear waiting.

“It took me so long because I was scared. I _am_ scared,” Beomgyu avowed, finding it more laborious to admit to his fear than to convey his feelings. “I’m scared of thinking this was a mistake. I’m scared of my own judgment. I’m scared of regretting allowing myself to feel.”

Beomgyu didn’t ponder, “but, most of all, I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel around you.”

What more was there to add? Beomgyu believed he’d said enough to get his point across, yet at the same time, he worried he said too much. He wasn’t planning on speaking of what he was afraid of, but it seemed more important to lay out his worries before jumping in blindly.

How’d that turn out for him before?

Those times, he’d brought them to himself. He didn’t fear it, instead, desired it. This time was different.

Not because he was hanging by a thread, nor because of his last heart. It was different because this love had seized him, overtaking him without any warning. This type— _Taehyun,_ had grasped his heart before he could say no. He barged in and settled down despite Beomgyu’s constant nagging to get him to leave— _begging_ him to leave.

This love stretched out deliberately, creeping up like a shadow taped to the ground at blue hour, hardly visible. It crawled around him, fingers uncurling, preparing its stance to latch closed with him in the middle. He thought he was in authority until his emotions began operating against his control.

Even though the process seemed overwhelming, it came to him when he wasn’t aware he needed it the most. 

It came to him in the form of Taehyun; the epitome of everything he’s ever looked for in another human being.

Which was why he was leading in the dark, entirely unsure of _anything_ other than his own feelings. He was so used to already knowing how people felt about him that this was like walking through a maze in the dark with no hand to hold.

Taehyun’s voice came to him like a sudden bolt in the musky sky. “I guess you’re waiting for me to say I love you back?”

Beomgyu grimaced at his words, trying not to flinch too visibly. This situation was all too familiar for Taehyun. Of course, it had been. Would he be able to look at confessions the same way again after what he’d gone through?

It was a repeat cycle for him. 

Even though Beomgyu was more vulnerable; more prone to the damage, he needed to make sure Taehyun wasn’t hurting. That's how it always was.

“No, I don’t want this to be like your last time,” he swallowed down the tremble in his voice, unsure if he could keep his composure any longer. It was wrung out of his words and dipping into his hands, fingers balled into shaking fists. His mind jumped to the worst places. “I’m not expecting anything from you.”

Taehyun was still watching him, head arched at an angle. His eyes were masked with adoration, softening when Beomgyu kept the contact. It put his racing heart at ease, even though the words he needed to hear weren’t spoken.

“Then this will matter more,” Taehyun told him, his words slow.

Beomgyu startled when the younger boy slipped closer, hand reaching out to rest on the nape of his neck. His mind whirled quicker than he expected, thinking the younger would kiss him.

And he did, just not on his lips.

Beomgyu’s eyes were wide open as he felt Taehyun pressed his lips to his temple, soft, just on the area above his eyebrow. 

He’d never been kissed there— he’d never been kissed anywhere other than his lips. He didn’t believe any place would be more intimate. 

It was never as tender as this; never carried as much weight or warmth. Nothing made him feel this safe yet exposed at the same time.

It gave him what little clarification he needed without the large spectacles or the overwhelming rush of feelings. Without burning them out.

Without returning to his place, Taehyun snaked his arms around Beomgyu, allowing the boy to rest his head against his chest. He closed his eyes against the thin fabric, unsure if his eyes were burning because of the leave of adrenaline or the tears beginning to well for reasons he couldn’t point out.

This was the feeling he ached for. This was the adjacent piece he needed to complete his problem. This was the warmth he desired.

“You've given me more of a purpose than I could ever ask for,” Taehyun’s chest vibrated with his words, voice deeper and more sincere. "I do love you."

The first tear slipped from his eye, hot as it fell down his cheek.

“You trust me?” Taehyun wondered even though the answer was evident. Still, he needed the declaration from him.

All Beomgyu could do was nod against his chest.

“Then let go of that fear and lose yourself to me.”

He was already gone for him. 

He let out the first breath of relief he’d held in for years.

* * *

It was supposed to be smooth sailing from there.

By _smooth sailing,_ Beomgyu meant it should have at least been more hospitable to breathe, not for all the doubts and worries to magically vanish as if they hadn’t existed in the first place. He assumed that after he released whatever it was inside of him, he’d feel lighter.

And he _did._

At least, for the first few days.

Being so deprived of love after striving to avoid it as if it were his life mission had drained him of whatever experience he thought he had. He wasn’t sure what to do with his hands or what to say, most of the time. He didn’t know what was okay or when he was allowed to touch him.

No, not _when._ He didn’t know _if_ he was allowed to.

He’d assume he could, yet he couldn’t tell if Taehyun would be comfortable with it. He never said anything about it either, never giving him the go or telling him to stop.

By the looks of it, the younger boy didn’t know what he was doing either. It made sense then. Just as Beomgyu had pulled away to protect himself, Taehyun pulled away to protect others. They were both two people who chose to detach, who found themselves stuck again without knowing what to do.

Frankly, Beomgyu never knew what the younger boy was thinking. Most of the time, he was buried under piles of work, balancing everything which was _still there._ What had Beomgyu expected? That if he confessed, everything would be exactly how he needed it to be?

Once again, he discerned that nothing was like the movies he watched. There was no dreamy happily ever after once the truth was out, nor would they have automatically clicked. _That wasn’t how it worked._

Though, through it all, he _did_ feel lighter. Not in the sense of less burden on his shoulders, but in the way of feeling like he was worthy of love. That his love to give was enough. Amongst his array of possibilities, he didn’t think Taehyun would’ve felt the same way, but he _did,_ and that was the best feeling.

He didn’t know what they were, but he knew the small touches around his wrist and the longer glancers were more. They were abundant in what he thought he would never have again, and it was more than he could ask for. He didn’t know what he _was_ asking for, but this was fine.

Soobin was the first person he told, no hesitance to begin with. He stayed longer than he intended at Taehyuns place. After his rush of emotions—and the physical rush— he couldn't get himself to pull away, and Taehyun didn’t push him away. That night seemed so far away, like a dream he’d woken up too early from.

He told Soobin the following day, and the older boy was stuck in a state of shock for the whole _day._ He continuously congratulated Beomgyu, concurrently bewildered and happy at the same time.

It didn’t hide the concern in his voice.

Beomgyu didn’t miss how the ‘ _I can’t believe you did that_ ’ clearly translated into _Are you sure you want this?’_ without even being said. He could tell that every look wasn’t entirely filled with wonderment, rather with the lingering question of ‘ _Are you sure this is the best idea?'._

He couldn’t blame him, he thought the same too. He homed the same doubts and found himself asking himself those useless questions every day. Questions he knew he’d never have answered.

Still, he didn’t regret any part of it. He wouldn’t take any of it back.

Through the awkward, unsure tension and the confusion, he didn’t want to go back and change anything.

After what seemed like almost a week of dancing around each other, an unnamed label hanging above them, Taehyun asked him if he was free for the night. It was nothing out of the ordinary, it just meant he wanted him to come over. Nonetheless, it made Beomgyu jittery _all over._

**kang taehyun:**

**beomgyu? are you free tonight**

_\--:_

_yeah!! not like i’d be studying without a reason to_

**kang taehyun:**

**im telling you, you’re going to regret having that habit**

_\--:_

_then that’s a problem for future me_

_goodluck to him!_

**kang taehyun:**

**future me will be dealing with the outcome too..**

**ill be there helping you cram it all when you realise you should’ve started earlier**

_\--:_

_that’s why i love u_

_taking one for the team_

**kang taehyun:**

**yeah haha**

**do you want to come over?**

**maybe stay the night too**

_\--:_

_yeah sure i dont have any morning classes_

_ill be there soon :] see you, tyun_

**kang taehyun:**

**see you, gyu**

He hadn’t meant for the _I love you_ to slip.

* * *

“Beomgyu,” _there he was,_ “hey, come in.” There was a smile dragging at Taehyun’s lips, almost as if he was trying to hide it in the first place. Beomgyu would know because he was doing the same. The thought made his chest feel tight, but not in a suffocating way, rather in a way of embrace.

“I brought some extra clothes for the night,” he remarked, setting his backpack at the side of Taehyuns low, cushioned couch. He paused for a second, the realisation that ‘ _holy shit, I’m staying the night at my maybe-boyfriends place for the first time’_ hitting him at that moment.

“You could’ve borrowed some of mine,” Taehyun frowned, coming around from behind him to clear the table of his books.

Beomgyu didn’t miss the way the palm of his hand grazed his lower back, barely there, not enough to tell if it was an accident or not. That was how it usually was with how they were.

Still, he was more comfortable than he’d ever been before. He took a place on the couch, “I think you’re better off borrowing mine instead,” he kidded, watching the younger boy intently. He didn’t think he could do otherwise, no matter how hard he willed himself to look away. This time, he didn’t have to. There was nothing to hide.

Taehyun realised that too, and this time Beomgyu didn’t miss the rosy tint painting his face when he regarded his gaze. The red-haired boy only scoffed at his comment, turning his head away as if his books were his only focus. “I’m not that small, you know.”

“I beg to differ,” Beomgyu refuted, an effortless grin playing at his lips. He wasn’t sure if it was from being in his presence, the light conversation, or the evident blush coating both their faces. It could’ve been none, or all of them at once.

Beomgyu watched as he rolled his eyes, finally standing up straight. “I ordered some food,” he commented instead of throwing something back, “I’ll get it from the kitchen.”

“Okay.”

This situation was all too familiar. 

The same position, the same room, different feelings. This time he didn’t have an _aim._ He didn’t have a driving force to distract him from his current being. This time, he was in a position where he didn’t _think_ at all. There wasn’t any need to, was there?

There wasn’t much to think of. He could ponder on what to do, but there was no need to rush with that. He wasn’t even sure if anything he could come up with would even be appropriate for their situation. Were they even _in_ a situation?

He didn’t know what he was doing, but he knew it wasn’t enough. 

Still, with him, he felt content.

Taehyun stepped back into the room, two full plastic bags in either of his hands. It wasn’t until the aroma had filled the room that Beomgyu realised how hungry he was.

Either that, or he was desperate for a distraction.

As soon as Taehyun placed the bags on the table, Beomgyu didn’t wait to pry them open. He heard the younger boy laugh fondly at his eagerness from beside him, still standing. His hands faltered when he felt his hand atop of his head, pushing back the loose curls in two swift movements— practically _patting_ his head— before he dropped it.

It was hard to pretend it was nothing when his heart hammered in his heart. He felt as if these small, barely-there actions had a larger effect on him than any of the large spectacles he’d put on before for other people.

At this moment, he was thankful for the food in front of him seemed to be his only interest. 

“Were you studying before I came?” Beomgyu questioned aloud once Taehyun settled beside him. 

Taehyun hummed, “I was with Sooyun today so I didn’t get to do most of my work.”

“How is she?” he smiled fondly. He didn’t know if it was from her memory or from watching Taehyun eat fully in front of him.

“She’s good, healthier than usual,” Taehyun spoke through his stuffed cheeks with an underlying question, as if the words he spoke confused him too.

“That’s great,” Beomgyu beamed at him, hoping to simmer down the discomfort.

The younger boy looked his way, an easy smile playing at his lips. “Yeah, it is.”

They spent their night in their own world, nothing other than the feeling of each other's presence. It wasn’t uncomfortable in the slightest, Beomgyu found himself being drawn to his presence, wanting to be close to him, in his space.

It was a game of barely-there touches and long glances from them both, unsure of what to do but certain of what they wanted. 

Once it got too late to stay up anymore, Beomgyu was prepared to pack his things and leave, as he usually would. He’d leave with a close hug or a kiss to his temple or cheek.

Though, this time he didn’t have to leave. He _was_ spending the night.

So, when Taehyun led him to his bedroom, already freshened up for the night, his situation did dawn on him.

“Do you want me to sleep somewhere else?” Beomgyu mumbled, almost absolutely certain there wasn’t another spare bed in his room. The boy could barely breathe just sitting close to him, how would he sleep by him?

“No,” Taehyun answered simply, that familiar smug grin playing at his lips as he manoeuvred around his room to put things in place. He knew what it was doing to Beomgyu.

Beomgyu couldn’t even blame him for finding it humorous because he’d laugh at his nervousness too if he didn’t feel like it would swallow him whole at any second.

Taehyun took notice of that too. “You think I’d invite you to stay the night just to sleep in another room?” he almost laughed, but not at him. “You can sleep beside me, unless you don’t want to. I can take my roommate's room, he’s barely here anyway.”

“I want to be with you,” Beomgyu pleaded solely. It was a silent plea both for the moment and wholly all together.

“You’re welcome anytime,” he smiled at him, and Beomgyu wanted to give him _everything._

That was enough to dissipate the nerves which were crawling up the expanse of his body. It didn’t halt the thrumming of his heart, but it settled it to a fluttery feel instead of a painful, yearning one.

Already in his comfortable clothing, Beomgyu climbed into his bed with a jittery body. It smelled just like him.

“What’s this?” he picked up a greyish half dome on the table by his side, unsure why the small object piqued his interest. Maybe he just frantically needed something to distract him from his worries.

Taehyun looked over his shoulder from where he was packing away his desk. He turned away hastily, a small flash of sheepishness washing over his face. “Uh, it’s an LED light projector,” he mumbled under his breath.

Beomgyu simpered, “You mean a night light?”

“When you put it like that it sounds childish,” Taehyun shook his head, still not looking at him, “but, yeah, I guess. A night light.”

“It’s not childish,” Beomgyu pouted, fumbling with the projector in his hands as he searched for the switch.

“I don’t _need_ it to sleep, not really,” he shrugged, his bare feet padding against the floor. His pyjamas were way too big for his body. The cuffs of his pants pooled around his ankles and his sleeves slipped over his fingers way too often. The shirt was basically draped over him like a blanket. It made Beomgyu’s heart twist in ways he couldn’t stop.

When he climbed in the bed beside him, he gently took the object from Beomgyu’s hands, switching it on like it was muscle memory.

Instead of the mere hueful glow he’d expected, the room was instantly littered in stars. The roof and walls were suddenly a more profound tone of royal blue, white specks splattered all over the room. Constellations he couldn’t name were tucked in some corners. There were mixes of colours in some places, an entire galaxy in their little wonderland.

Taehyun switched off the other lamp at his side, allowing the projector to be the only source of light. Beomgyu looked his way, in awe at such a feeble thing. 

In his hands, the light shone on Taehyun’s face too, the prickles of stars against his face dancing on his skin. His eyes twinkled a different type of light. This time, there were _actually_ stars in his eyes.

“I’ve had this since I was a kid, I didn’t think much of it,” Taehyun shrugged. The stars moved with him. “I don’t use it much.”

“It’s nice,” Beomgyu didn’t know if he was complimenting him or the lights. He wasn’t looking at them anyway. He spoke those words with his eyes trained on Taehyun’s.

“Yeah,” the younger boy smiled, a flash of nostalgia washing over his eyes.

He didn’t switch it off. He just placed it on the bedside table and shuffled onto his side, facing Beomgyu with his head against the pillow. The stars still illuminated his face.

Beomgyu mirrored his position, his hands against his chest. They faced each other, not touching, yet almost there. This time, Beomgyu didn’t falter his gaze. He didn’t look away when Taehyun looked at nothing but _him._ He didn’t cower under his lovesick stare, he only stared back. Their eyes stayed locked on each other, entranced

“How did you know?” Beomgyu whispered, willing the lump in his throat to disappear. He worried that if he spoke any louder than he was now, their glass atmosphere would shatter under the booming frequency, bringing them back to reality. Bringing them back to the distant phase they were in before.

This was better, this was what he wanted to continue doing, even though they weren’t touching.

Taehyun watched him, his gaze never wavering. His eyes were half-open now, but not in a way where you’d think he’s sleepy. It was in the way where he didn’t _need_ to see anything other than Beomgyu now. As long as he was in his line of sight, nothing else mattered. “Know what?”

Beomgyu didn’t let his gaze drop either. Taehyun’s eyes twinkled under the set. “About how I felt.”

“What makes you think I knew?” Taehyun raised an eyebrow, lips jutting outwards. He could kiss him.

“Come on, I know you did,” he mumbled instead, willing himself to keep his hands to his chest. There was no need to disrupt the quiet atmosphere with something he may regret. “You looked at me like you were waiting for me to tell you.”

“I guess I was for a while,” Taehyun confessed, blinking once, “I didn’t know when you left after the photoshoot. I was _hoping,_ but I wasn’t sure.”

“How did you find out, then? I basically ghosted you for two weeks after that.”

A playful smile arose, eyes glinting with nothing less than adoration. Beomgyu worried he said the wrong thing. “So, you do admit you were avoiding me?”

“Not on purpose,” the worry could’ve been spilling out of his mouth in letters at this point, “I didn’t want to. I just didn’t know what to do with myself after that day.” He paused, “God, you drove me crazy.”

“Don’t do that again,” Taehyun frowned, “I missed you.”

Beomgyu wasn’t accustomed to receiving such sincere words, especially not from someone he never thought he’d get them from. “I missed you, too,” he didn’t miss a beat, the words were already at the tip of his tongue as soon as he spoke. “Go ahead and continue, please.”

“Well, it wasn’t really me who realised,” Taehyun adorned that fond smile again, the one where his lips curled only slightly, yet it was enough for his dimple to show. It was a marvellous sight. “I sent in the photos we took the day after, and my professor called me in about three days later. She wanted to talk to me personally.”

“Why?” Beomgyu pulled his lips into a pout, worried that he’d tainted the photos he took by looking too awkward. 

“I thought she was going to tell me how I needed to do more, _again._ That we were _almost there,_ ” he spoke the last two words with bitterness in them as if they were gibberish to him, though it didn’t last long.

Beomgyu wondered where this was going— how it had _any_ relation to what he asked. “Did she? I thought the photos we took would’ve come out pretty good,” he says _would’ve_ because he never got to see them. He was supposed to have them sent to him, but he wouldn’t send a boy that was ghosting him his pictures either.

“They are. They were perfect, she told me. She was _shocked._ She said she didn’t know I was capable of capturing such…” he trailed off, furrowing his eyebrows at his own words, “genuine love. She told me she didn’t know I had even _experienced_ love, which didn't make sense.”

It did, with the full array of glowing hearts. “What?” Beomgyu asked nonetheless. 

“Yeah, I didn’t get it either,” Taehyun almost shrugged, quirking his eyebrow in question, even though he didn’t seem as confused, “at first, I thought she was insulting me.”

The smile on his lips never faltered, especially not when he heard Beomgyu chuckle at his words. “She wasn’t though,” he continued, “she was amazed by our work—”

“ _Y_ _our_ work,” Beomgyu corrected him.

He didn’t comment on it. “She told me…” he paused, slowing his words, “she asked if you were looking at me, and when I told her you were, she said she’d never seen someone manage to work up that much _love_ in their eyes for a photo.”

_Love? In his eyes?_

_Oh, god._

“You can’t be serious,” Beomgyu groaned when the words fully registered. He grimaced at first, then it was followed by a pool of warmth rushing all over his body, resting in his face. There was no doubt that his cheeks were a light crimson.

The embarrassment piqued when he raised his hands from their balled position to cover his face, hoping his attention would land elsewhere.

There wasn’t anywhere else it could. They were the only ones there in their wonderland.

“Hey, don’t be embarrassed,” Taehyun giggled when he couldn’t hear him through his muffled voice. “Beommie, come on,” he whined, prying his hands away from his face by tugging at his wrists. The nickname and the touch only made him fall harder.

“I don’t have a choice,” Beomgyu whined, unable to do anything to hide his burning face away, “was I really _that_ obvious that an absolute stranger could tell I was in love?”

“To be fair, she _is_ a photography professor. Part of her job is to over analyse the photos we take.”

Beomgyu pouted, his face pulled into a disgusting expression. “That doesn’t make it any less embarrassing.”

“It’s fine, come on,” Taehyun laughed through his teeth. He was still holding onto his wrists.

“You’re laughing at me!” Beomgyu fussed, unsure if his heart could take the towering embarrassment and proximity all at once. It was as if Taehyun was shifting closer with each word, using their connected hands to anchor him and allow him to tug. 

“Not at you, with you,” Taehyun grinned, knowing his words weren’t convincing either of them. He continued to laugh as Beomgyu struggled in his hold, trying to free his arms from his warm fingers.

“You’re unbelievable,” he scoffed, a few escaping giggles spilling out of his mouth unwillingly. He slipped a hand out before it was caught between Taehyun’s again. This time, he laced their fingers together, finding it easy to weave through them before pinning his hand down. 

He grinned, only then did Beomgyu notice he was slightly hovering over his side. “Yet, here you are, in _my_ bed.”

“That’s enough from you,” Beomgyu gaped through his laughter, surprised with how much warmer his face was getting. Should he be concerned? Was he coming down with a fever, high off of love?

“You asked!” Taehyun accused from on top of him, wrestling him down. Really, Beomgyu was no match for him. Didn’t he once mention he worked at the gym?

In the mess of woven bed sheets and light clothing, Beomgyu’s laughter ceased when he took note of how close Taehyun was, how _lovely_ he looked in the dim, blue light. He found the breath in his chest rapidly spilling out when he noticed his lips closer, _closer. Come closer._

Beomgyu could kiss him. It seemed like the right moment and the first one at that. He only needed to lift his head and reach a bit to be met with the younger, just a single, swift movement and it’d be sealed, it’d be sorted.

His breath was jagged, shaking out of nervousness. He half expected Taehyun to swoop down and kiss him first, that would've made it easier for him.

It’s what the younger would want, right? Would it be?

Before Beomgyu could test his theory, Taehyun tilted his head. _Away._ He turned away.

Beomgyu couldn’t read his expression, he wasn't sure if he wanted to in fear of seeing something he’d regret seeing. He willed his eyes closed, conspiring against the urge to tug him back and kiss him as if he wouldn't get the chance to again.

Would he, though? At this rate, was he getting anywhere?

As Taehyun settled beside him, not a word said since the encounter— the laughter had died down as soon as they both realised the proximity— he shuffled under the covers, his head hitting the pillow with a soft thud. Beomgyu couldn’t read him.

But, he didn't need to.

Taehyun turned his head towards him again, this time with a small smile twitching at the corner of his lips. There wasn’t any regret, nor confusion, which only puzzled Beomgyu _more._ He thought he’d figured him out.

He didn’t need to think anymore.

Not when Taehyun was holding his arms out, inviting and wide. Not when he crawled under the cover beside him, body tingling from the places where they touched. Not when Taehyun dug his hand into his hair, fingers weaving through his curls. Not when he had his head nuzzled in the crook of his neck, the tip of his nose brushing his neck. Not when his arm was wrapped around Taehyun’s small waist.

Not when their hearts beat in sync, as if tied together, chamber by chamber.

He didn’t need to think when he was under the blanket of his love. _His love, Taehyun._

* * *

Surprisingly, he found himself stirring first, body slowing waking. 

He wouldn’t say it was the _best_ sleep he’d had. That was exaggerated in books and movies. It certainly wasn’t with the way his body felt sore after being curled up against him for so long, and his arm went numb under the weight of his body.

Not the most comfortable, but the _warmest._ Nothing would amount to the safety he was treasured in, nothing would add up to the feel of being in someone else's arms in his most vulnerable state. Again, and again, he’d want to sleep like this.

Though they weren’t in the same position they slept in, his body was still glued against the youngers— who was possibly still asleep, Beomgyu couldn't tell— their legs tangled in a heap and their arms were woven in one way or another.

Shuffling back a bit, Beomgyu decided the temporary discomfort was worth it if he woke up to his face every morning.

He wouldn’t mind a slightly aching arm in exchange for the sight of Taehyun’s red curls sprawled messily over the pillow and his face, framing it in an almost childish way. He would take a crick in his neck to see the way his freckles matted his cheeks, splattered on in the light pooling in. It reminded him of the constellations on the roof the night before, except closer and _more real._

His mouth was slightly parted, lips pushed against his pillow, eyelashes long against his cheeks. He was asleep on his front, his cheek pushed onto the pillow, looking softer than Beomgyu had ever seen him.

It was all worth it for this.

“Good morning,” Taehyun croaked, not bothering to move as he barely opened one of his eyes. His voice was like silk, sultry and smooth, slipping right between his lips. How was that possible in the morning?

“Morning, Hyun,” Beomgyu couldn’t stop himself from grinning, not taking a second to think about how _he_ himself looked. With the way his hair fluffed up, he didn’t doubt it was a gaping mess.

Taehyun seemed to notice, raising a hand to pat down Beomgyu’s black curls before his hand slipped to cup his cheek for a split second, then flopping back beside him. “How long have you been awake?”

“Not long,” he whispered, unsure of the line where he really woke up and when he started just _admiring._ “You look like an angel when you sleep.”

He didn’t know what prompted him to say that, but he was glad he did with the reaction he elicited. 

Taehyun groaned, his smooth skin quickly rushing with colour against the white sheets. He turned his face into the pillow, voice coming out rough and inaudible against the cushioning. “Not this early, Gyu,” he whined, the red tips of his ears being a dead giveaway of what he was trying to hide.

Beomgyu didn’t know where the compliment came from, but he knew he’d lose it if he didn’t get to touch him again. When Taehyun didn’t get a reply, he turned to look at him again, cheeks still red. Beomgyu took it as an opportunity to lean over, pressing his lips promptly against the tip of his nose.

It definitely worsened the blush, that was for sure.

“I’m going to get ready and make breakfast,” Taehyun grumbled, no malice in his voice. It was airy and lovesick. He kicked his legs over the edge of the bed, fluffing his hands through his hair in the process.

Beomgyu couldn’t stop smiling nor could he stop watching him. It was getting ridiculous at this point. He felt he was fine with this pace, he could work with it. With time, things would be easier with him. They were learning together.

Taehyun walked around his side of the bed as Beomgyu fished for his phone which he dropped somewhere by the bed.

When Taehyun walked around to his side, he assumed he just needed something from the bedside drawer.

He assumed so until Taehyun’s hand was flush against his cheek, and before he could process it, a pair of lips were against his own.

It was _everything_ and _nothing_ he’d imagined at the same time. Everything in the sense of the feel of warmth against him and his lips were as soft as he’d expected as if pillowing his own. Nothing in the sense of the rush it gave him down in his chest, running along his entire body. How the contact made all his muscles tingle, his head light.

Though he was slow to respond— the shock faltered his thoughts— Taehyun waited. He always had, never pushing him past what he wasn’t ready for. From the start, he _waited_ and _waited._ What he was exactly waiting for, Beomgyu couldn't tell.

It didn’t matter. At a time like this, _nothing_ mattered. Nothing except the lips moving against his own, slowly then not at all. Taehyun moved back a mere inch just to smile enough that his teeth wouldn't bear, only to lean in again and place two more chaste kisses on Beomgyu’s lips.

Beomgyu didn't let him pull away, throwing his arms around his neck and dragging him down. Taehyun fell over him in a fit of giggles, back onto the bed he'd just gotten off of. If it weren't for the fleeting laughter dancing between their breaths, Beomgyu would be kissing him _again._

It didn't stop him. He let their laughter cease between them when he found his lips again, almost as if it were muscle memory to do so. They slot together so easily, nothing close to awkward or out of place like before. His heart danced in his chest, rising up to his throat every time he met his lips.

Their giddiness and touches got lost between the tangled sheets, soft gazes shared. Nothing would amount to this.

Once Taehyun pulled away— _too early_ — and walked out the room, Beomgyu was in a daze. The best one.

Things would be okay. Things _are_ okay.

* * *

Until they weren't.

“Taehyun?”

“Beomgyu…” his dishevelled voice crackled over the phone, heaving breaths being taken between each syllable, voice coated with tears. Beomgyu would know. “I— I don’t… I need you, _please._ ”

“I’m on my way,” _he was already out the door as soon as he called._ “Try to breathe for me, Hyun. What happened?”

Too long of a pause on the other side.

Another sniffle, a defeated one.

“Sooyun passed away.”

Beomgyu felt the hope pull away from him.


	15. Ample

Beomgyu didn’t know what he was going to do.

All he knew was that he had to be _there._ No means of comfort nor promising words seemed to conceive in his mind. Nothing but the haste movements to get there and be there with him.

Because Taehyun needed someone right now.

Who would he have if he didn’t have Beomgyu?

His mother was out of the picture. There was no room in her for any type of comfort. Beomgyu questioned if she even _knew_ Sooyun at any point. He wasn’t certain if the younger boy had other family members to reach out to, though he never mentioned it. He was close to Hueningkai, but Beomgyu didn’t know to what extent.

Nonetheless, Taehyun had called _him._

_He_ had to be Taehyun’s constant now more than ever.

His stomach plummeted when the dreadful words croaked through his phone, hardly believable. Lee Sooyun was a remarkable person to him through Taehyun’s words—through his own eyes. When he met her, the emotional dependency his lover had on her was evident from the beginning. 

Could he call him that? _His Lover?_

Beomgyu hadn’t hung up the phone.

He needed to know Taehyun was still there; coping or at least holding himself up long enough until Beomgyu would come and bear the baggage. He needed to hear his uneven breathing through his phone to make sure he wasn’t doing anything irrational, to make sure he was safe. He needed him to know he was _there._

Beomgyu didn’t know what to tell him. He’d never comforted someone after they heard of a parental figure passing. He’d never gone through it himself, though he had a few impressions of what _he’d_ want to hear. He didn’t know if it was enough.

Whatever he had to offer wouldn't be enough. He just hoped his presence would make up for some of the damage, at least momentarily.

“Taehyun?” Beomgyu firmly called. He didn’t have anything to say, he just needed to hear his voice again.

The younger boy only hummed, almost imperceptible if he wasn’t straining to pick up any feeble sounds. He wasn’t crying anymore, though Beomgyu wasn’t sure. He couldn’t _see_ him. All he could do was listen to him through the phone as he tapped his foot against the cab flooring.

He would’ve run, just like that day. Just like the day he was so driven and blinded by the determination that he gathered nothing could stop him. When he thought he was unconquerable, dashing through the streets at illuminated late hours.

Except, this time, it was _pouring_. The sky seemed to pick up on the gloomy state and yearned to match the mood. Beomgyu almost scoffed at the absurdity and timing. He wouldn't make it halfway.

“You’re not going to be alone, love,” he vocalised carefully, hoping his words were earnest enough to reach him. Constant reassurance is what he’d want in a situation like this, but now he didn’t know what Taehyun wanted. “I’m almost there— I’m here with you now.”

Taehyun didn’t answer him. He didn’t show any signs that he’d even _heard_ him. Beomgyu was riding off of the unsteady breaths directly in his ear. That was the only thing grounding him right now.

He continued to whisper nothings into the phone, unsure of what was working and what was going unheard.

Just as the car turned to the familiar street, those rigid breaths morphed with the harsh _pitter-patter_ of the rain. Beomgyu couldn’t hear him through the noises, unsure if he was even there anymore. His heart spiked at the thought, seconds away from cursing the driver for not going faster.

“Taehyun— _Hyun,_ are you outside?” he questioned frantically. He didn’t need confirmation, he already knew. He just needed to know if he was still _there. With him._

“Yeah,” came a hushed voice, croaky and uncertain, barely audible through the war between his words and the banging of the rain.

Beomgyu didn’t want to question him, he didn’t want to set him off in his worst moments. Asking _why_ would make him feel pressured to explain, and the last thing he needed was to push him right now.

“I’m almost there,” he told him instead, dumping out whatever money he had clutched and ready in his hand. He didn’t wait for the driver to count or even _stop_ properly before he leapt out and darted for the building.

The water was so cold. It seeped through his pyjamas and clung his clothes to his skin only seconds in. Accompanied by the harsh winds and booming sounds, he could barely get his senses straight. How was Taehyun out here? _Where was he?_

He didn’t have to look long before he spotted a matted head of dark, red hair. He didn’t delay to run over to the boy who was sitting on the steps, knees pulled to his chest with his phone right up against his ear.

Drenched from head to toe sat Kang Taehyun in all his brilliant, broken glory.

When he heard Beomgyu’s footsteps through the padding of the rain, he looked up with hair stuck to his forehead and framing his eyes— His once starry, wide eyes. 

Water trailed his cheeks in long strokes, but not from the rain. His lips quivered, just not from the cold.

Beomgyu didn’t want him to stand up, didn’t want him to put any effort into _anything,_ but he needed to get him out of the rain. He needed to take care of him.

So, he held his hand out to help him up, almost faltering when Taehyun hesitated. Eventually, he reached out with hand and his _four hearts._

Four hearts. _Four red, lively hearts. One grey, gloomy heart._

He pulled him into his arms instead of inside. Taehyun almost collapsed against him, hands balling into tight fists in his shirt as his face was buried in his shoulder, body shaking against his. _Again, not from the cold._

But, just for now, Beomgyu tried to pretend it was from the cold. Just so he could be the stronger person right now, even though the boy he loved was losing himself entirely right in his arms. 

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He shouldn’t have lost his heart.

Your first heart was reckoned to be lost to a middle school _fling._ It was supposed to be to something light and effortlessly avoidable. You’re supposed to fall in love for the first time to someone who would eventually walk out, but it’d be okay because you’d have four more and many, _many_ other options. You'd experience the warmth of love and learn from it.

You’re not supposed to lose your _first_ heart to someone's death. No one deserves that kind of heartbreak as a way to lose their first heart. It wasn’t supposed to be that way.

But, the world wasn’t fair. Beomgyu knew.

“She lied to me,” Taehyun croaked into his shoulder, the first decipherable words he’d said all night. “She told me she was doing well.”

Beomgyu thought back to the night they ate together, when Taehyun told him she was doing better than usual with a lost look in his eyes.

It made sense now. Sooyun was at peace with her inevitable end and didn’t want to worry him, especially not when he talked so brightly about his last few days with Beomgyu.

She was protecting him until her stop, and she got to see the end of his loneliness before she went. Almost as if she'd only existed to accompany him until someone else would.

The elder boy didn’t know what he was going to do to pick him back up if she wasn’t there to do that.

What he needed to do _now_ was get them both out of the cold. He couldn't feel the tips of his fingers.

“Hyun, you need to get out of the rain,” Beomgyu pleaded, shaky hands grazing his lower back. He wouldn’t pull away first, no matter how long it took to convince him.

Taehyun looked up to him through his dampened lashes, their noses bumping. “You’ll come with me?” he genuinely questioned.

Beomgyu was taken aback by the sincerity in his voice, the unconcealed desperation playing in his eyes. He thought it was a given, but with the way he asked, it seemed he thought he wasn’t going to drop everything to be with him.

How ridiculous of him to think that he hadn’t already thrown it all away to give him a home to seek.

“Yeah, I will,” Beomgyu whispered, “of course, always.”

Taehyun nodded to his words, pulling back just enough so that they could walk side by side. His hand stayed looped around the taller boy's forearm, pale fingers numbing around his drenched sleeves. The walk to his dorm was wordless, only the sound of tumbling rain against metal echoing in the area.

When they entered, Beomgyu rushed to find him some warm clothes. He didn’t want a cold to add to the burden of his troubles. When Taehyun had changed out of his old clothes and looked him up and down, only then did he notice he didn’t have his own change of clothes.

“Aren’t you going to change?” Taehyun frowned, looking imperceptibly better than when they were outside. 

His hair was still somewhat matted to his head and his eyes seemed even darker despite being in the light of his apartment. It was painstakingly noticeable for someone who watched him a lot.

Beomgyu looked away, picking at the thin shirt which was clinging to his skin. “I didn’t bring anything.” 

He thought of going back and picking something up, but that would mean he would have to leave Taehyun alone, being the last thing he needed.

The said boy smiled at him, it was anything but joyous. The whole night had seemed like a stampede of horses racing over a frozen lake only seconds away from cracking. “You know you can take mine, I don't mind.”

Beomgyu nodded firmly, willing away the warmth which began to bloom in his chest and over his face. He told himself it wasn’t the time to get flustered over nothing, especially not visibly. Taehyun handed him a change of clothes instead of letting him go through them as he did for him.

As he changed in the bathroom, his skin immediately warmed under the thick cloth despite the numb feeling he had from the cold before. Taehyun’s clothes weren’t as small as he thought they’d be, only snug in a few places. Then again, he’d often seen the younger boy wear things a few sizes bigger than himself.

Fluffing up his damp hair, Beomgyu caught his reflection in the mirror. He paused for a second, hand movements faltering. 

He didn’t know what to think. 

Did he recognise the person he saw in front of him as the person he knew the most? Was he sure of everything that seemed to be whizzing past him as he stayed rooted in his spot? Why did it seem as if his life was going on without him?

His gaze flew to his arm in his reflection, fingers still tangled up in his hair. He dropped his hand and stared at the empty hearts on his wrist, unsure of why it was hitting him again, _now_ of all times.

It was almost laughable, really. To think that, in the end, he’d be the one comforting Taehyun after losing a heart. All that stress and worry being pent up for nothing.

Was it the end, though? Could he consider it a happy ending if when they’ve finally gotten here, Taehyun was the first to lose a heart— lose the person who helped him keep his hearts. Would he be the same after that? Would Beomgyu be able to piece him back up?

But to hell, if he wouldn’t try his fucking best.

“Are you okay?” Taehyun’s voice rang through the shut door, small and timid.

Beomgyu darted for the handle, pulling it open in seconds. The younger seemed to startle at the movement with the way his head shot up. “I’m fine, just got distracted,” he assured him.

Taehyun looked him up and down, a tender smile playing at his lips. His eyes seemed softer when he met his own again, accompanied by the ardour.

“You look good in my clothes,” he kidded despite the heavy air floating around them. 

“I’m surprised they fit,” Beomgyu refuted, wishing it would somehow relieve them of the tension. He couldn’t decide if they were just going to pretend as if nothing had happened or if he was ready to talk about _anything._

Taehyun scowled his way, subtly straightening his posture just so he’d seem taller. Beomgyu had to suppress a giggle from slipping when he saw how he almost stood on his toes to prove a point. “We’re basically the same height, hyung.”

“Whatever you say,” Beomgyu shrugged whilst raising his hand to pat the top of Taehyun's head, just to tease him a little more. 

Instead of arguing against him, Taehyun didn’t say anything. 

He seemed to remember where they were and _why_ he was here in the first place, everything hitting him once again. His smile fell slowly, a shining layer coating his eyes. 

Beomgyu could feel the ache in his chest grow. He moved his hand so it fell to his nape, fingers brushing against the ends of his hair. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Taehyun only shook his head, looking down and blinking away. His lips curled as if he was trying to hold back. Beomgyu could only advert his touch to his face, cupping the curve of his cheek so he’d look up at him.

“Then we won’t,” he confirmed, running his thumb over his cheekbone. “Have you eaten anything?”

The younger looked at him with wonderment, almost as if he expected Beomgyu to pry and ask questions despite asking not to. His shoulders drooped after a while, the pent up tension slipping out deliberately.

“No, not yet,” he shook his head, leaning into his touch.

“I’ll make us something, okay?” Beomgyu suggested, opting to distract him for the time being.

Taehyun stared at him for a while as if trying to decipher something hidden. “You know how to cook?”

“I’d like to think I do,” he shrugged, trying to act nonchalant even though he knew he’d pour his heart into this meal.

The younger boy looked at him before nodding, giving him the go.

“Thank you,” Taehyun whispered before either of them moved, “for being here.”

Beomgyu didn’t know what to say to that. He hadn’t expected anything in return for this, more so, he felt like he was doing it for himself rather than Taehyun. He knew if the boy before him broke, he would hurt too much. Love was such a fearful thing at these times and he couldn’t tell if he wanted to push it away or ask for more.

He didn’t even know if he was helping.

Taehyun certainly seemed to think he was, so that was enough, wasn’t it?

“Don’t think too much,” Taehyun mumbled, bunching up his fists in the cloth around Beomgyu’s waist. He pulled him closer, just so their bodies were almost touching.

And when he met his lips, Beomgyu was reminded that they could do things like this.

He forgot that he was allowed to kiss him, to show him how much he loved him. As he kissed back, he prayed his feelings were sent through.

He wondered if Taehyun felt the thrill like he did; if he homed the same energy welling up at the pits of his stomach every time they touched, if he yearned for more. 

The kiss was slow and languid, but it held that type of promise. It was one where he knew he'd be able to come back for more, where he could pull away and not fear it being their last. 

If this is what it was like, he would love him with all of his last heart.

* * *

“When you think about it, we fit now,” Taehyun muttered under his breath, hardly audible.

“What do you mean?” 

Beomgyu had managed to make a meal for the two and they ate in comfort. He wouldn’t admit it, but he really tried his best to make it really enjoyable, and Taehyun had no complaints. They didn’t speak once about the problem at hand, instead acting as if it were another day they savoured together.

It didn’t bother him, but he worried he’d break eventually. He prayed he would be there if that happened.

They were in his bed after they ate, his laptop at the end of the bed almost forgotten as it played some song from a random playlist.

Taehyun was glued to his side, head resting on his shoulder. His face was snug against his neck, body leaning against his. Beomgyu wondered if he could hear the beat of the song from his heart. 

The younger was fiddling with Beomgyu’s fingers, threading his hand through his just to intertwine them then let go. Every touch set off something in Beomgyu’s chest, growing fonder with every second. Their hands were almost the same, allowing them to slot together with ease.

How lucky for him to be able to spend his last heart on him.

“I mean our hearts,” Taehyun continued, turning over their wrists so he could put them side by side. “They complete each other.”

“I guess they do,” Beomgyu grinned to himself as his gaze darted between his darkened hearts and Taehyun’s glowing ones. The difference in them was evident, and the placement of them didn’t even line up, yet he still felt complete with him by his side.

After all, he _was_ trusting him with everything in him. 

When he really thought of it, Taehyun had filled the void. He filled up the ghost of the empty hearts, pushing him with enough love to make up for the lack of it he'd been feeling. In turn, Beomgyu was the first he could really love, and he'd filled out that spot for him. 

Taehyun hadn't been able to love and Beomgyu didn't want to love. 

Yet, here they were. 

They'd solved each other's dilemmas despite their own internal conflict. How it shifted in between was beyond him.

It wasn't ideal, but he couldn't imagine having it any other way.

All he could do was hope for them to be okay in the end.

* * *

Beomgyu was visiting Taehyun almost every day from then on, sometimes sleeping over at his place when he really didn’t want to be alone. It was never burdensome for him, in fact, he awaited the times where the younger would ask him to stay.

He would like to think things were getting better, though there was no way of telling. Taehyun didn’t want to talk about it at all so he knew close to nothing about how he was feeling.

It got to a point where he didn’t speak about how he was feeling at all. He didn’t tell him if he was doing well or if he needed anything. At times, he avoided speaking about anything related to himself and Beomgyu felt like he was back at stage one back where they’d just met.

Taehyun was growing distant promptly even though it seemed barely noticeable, and it was unsettling in the least. Beomgyu couldn’t blame him, though. It’d barely been four days since she’d passed and he wouldn’t heal instantly.

He just hoped he wouldn't be a product of his abandonment.

Instead of pushing him to talk, Beomgyu thought he needed to speak to someone else before he could think about what to do. He asked Soobin if he’d wanted to meet up, and he agreed readily, even inviting Kai and Yeonjun. 

Kai tried to invite Taehyun, but he declined the offer.

This was okay. Beomgyu would be able to escape even if it was for just a little while. He’d be able to regenerate so he could come back with twice as much support as he did before and they’d be _okay._

Except, nothing about their meetup was okay.

To begin with, Yeonjun and Soobin were overly touchy as a product of their new relationship. That wasn’t the problem, though.

Yeonjun kept looking at Beomgyu with a particular look. He couldn’t tell what it was, but it wasn’t positive. His gaze was filled with something unreadable and he wouldn’t meet Beomgyu’s eyes at _all._

Something was off with him, and it was painfully obvious to Beomgyu, but he didn’t comment on it. This day was supposed to be an escape, he wouldn't add conflict.

But, Soobin seemed to notice too, and even _he_ was acting odd. He could hold eye contact with Beomgyu, but there was an underlying uneasiness in his eyes which was wrong in every way. 

The only one who wasn’t looking at him as if he’d committed all the world's crimes was Kai, who was just as lively as ever. 

Still, Beomgyu didn’t bring anything up. He didn’t see the need to.

Not until they were supposed to leave.

“You can go ahead,” Soobin grinned at Yeonjun and Kai, though something was unsettling in his voice. “I want to talk to Beomgyu.”

Said boy furrowed his eyebrows, unsure of what to do with himself. He watched as Yeonjun gave him a once over with the same unreadable look on his face as before. Kai didn’t bother questioning it, only nodded unconcerned and left with Yeonjun.

The entire day had been confusing as hell and Beomgyu wasn’t close to figuring out why. He felt like the outsider of the group, the others squabbling over something without including him in it.

After the two had left, Beomgyu looked towards Soobin, an expectant look playing at his face. The older boy didn’t pay him much mind, seemingly in his own headspace.

“Did you notice Yeonjun was acting a little weird?” Beomgyu pondered, hoping to get something out of him since he wasn’t speaking. When the taller boy didn’t reply, he knew something was definitely off and he was getting tired of dancing around it. “Soobin, what’s going on?”

Soobin stayed silent for a second too long before his words came out hesitant and slow. “Beomgyu, I thought you were in love with Taehyun?”

“What are you talking about?” Beomgyu wondered aloud, slightly taken aback by the accusation. Soobin was seemingly the only one who knew how _much_ he loved Taehyun, so why was he doubting him now? Had Taehyun said otherwise?

“I don’t want to assume anything, but I had a class with him a few days ago and he looked exhausted,” he further explained as if Beomgyu was supposed to catch on there. He paused after his words, waiting for the younger to say _something._

Beomgyu was just as lost as before, even more so. He was well aware of Taehyun’s state, he was with him almost every day. He didn’t know what it had to do with his love for him, though. Nothing that was coming out of Soobin’s mouth was making any sense.

“Okay?” he stated more than questioned, egging him to go on. 

“And he had four hearts,” Soobin finished, looking down almost shamefully.

It still didn’t make any fucking sense. Beomgyu was seconds away from grabbing the front of his shirt and shaking the implications out of him if this were to go on. He stared at him, willing him to look him in the eyes, but the older boy kept his head down the entire time.

Beomgyu _knew_ that. He was painfully aware of it and it was something that he didn’t want to think of. He wondered if Soobin thought he didn’t know with the way he looked upset, but that wasn’t it. That wasn’t even close.

He was about to drill him with more questions until it _clicked._

_Ah._

“You think I broke it,” Beomgyu accused, though it was more of a declaration. He wasn’t asking a question, rather stating the words out to both of them. The boy couldn’t tell if what he was feeling was surprise or hurt. Surely they didn’t _really_ think he went through with the bet? Is that why Soobin looked so uncomfortable with himself for assuming so? 

“I don't,” Soobin was quick to tell him even though his words were unsure and rushed, “Yeonjun does, though, and something happened with Taehyun. It’s just that the time of it makes sense,” he paused, looking away again, “with the bet and all.”

He never told Yeonjun the jeopardy he was in because of his feelings. He never spoke of the night where his last heart flickered with anyone. He didn’t mention a word to him or Kai. He hasn’t even told them they were dating.

It made sense for the eldest to think he’d broken his heart, though Beomgyu couldn’t place a thought on why he was so _displeased._ Hadn’t he been on the same boat? 

He wondered if Yeonjun noticed the glow in his eyes when Taehyun was mentioned, or if he knew of anything. It would make sense, then.

As for Kai, he didn’t know _anything._ That was a problem for another time.

“That’s why he seemed so uncomfortable before?” 

“Yeah, I guess so,” Soobin frowned. “You didn’t actually break it, right?”

Beomgyu couldn’t find it in him to feel offended by the accusation. Soobin knew how much he loved him. 

“No— God, _no_ , I didn’t,” he worded instead, speaking his next few words drastically quieter. “I would never.”

But, that was his initial intention, wasn't it? Beomgyu could feel his throat feel heavy, his mind clogging with distaste. The person he was mere months ago would've broken Taehyun's hearts without hesitation. 

He hated to think that way.

Soobin nodded, a small smile rising on his lips. “I know you wouldn't,” he reassured him, “I’ll tell Yeonjun that, don't worry. What happened to Taehyun?”

“Someone he loved passed away,” Beomgyu sighed tiredly, “It’s been really hard on him and I don’t know what to do most of the time.”

“I see,” he hummed, “you’re there for him though. He has you.”

Beomgyu frowned, “I just hope I’m enough.”

“It depends on if _you_ make yourself out to be enough.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this story is almost coming to an end, only a few chapters left T^T prepare yourselves because it's a bumpy ride from here on ..


	16. Revelation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit of violence in this chapter, a quick heads up !

Truth be told, Beomgyu craved for his life to just pause, even for a few minutes.

If things had slackened for a mere second, it would make every thing more spontaneous. Just long enough for him to take a long, languid breath before proceeding. Just long enough to put down the heavy baggage and roll his shoulders free of the tension.

He wondered if things would've been easier if he’d lost his last heart years ago. 

That thought had been shot down the second he’d thought of it. He uttered his concern to Soobin only to be ridiculed and lectured for almost an hour straight. 

All in all, he deserved that sit-down. It set his mind straight, but he felt as if various other causes might outweigh his definite side. He didn’t want to think that way, but part of his unruly, degrading side never failed to remind him of the _what-ifs_ of everything. 

To begin with, Taehyun still wasn’t wholly talking to him. He built up the same wall he hid behind when they met, hesitant and unknowing. Beomgyu tried to assure himself it was just his way of dealing with the grief, but he couldn’t swallow the guilt of not being able to be there for him to feel comfortable.

When he strived to meet, it was shot down. When he brought him a meal, his plate was full even after. When he tried to talk about Sooyun, the conversation was shifted.

In every instance, he felt avoided and disregarded, but he couldn’t bring himself to blame it on Taehyun. It wasn’t his fault in any way, and he pushed himself to be patient with him for as long as he needed.

_“I’ll wait for you,”_ he promised one night where their limbs were tangled in the sheets, the night growing in on them. He thought the younger was asleep in his arms and his voice whisked away in the air. _“No matter how long, I’ll wait for you.”_

 _“Even until time runs out?”_ Taehyun had sought, and Beomgyu didn’t know what he meant by that. He didn’t say anything, and they fell into an uneasy slumber after that.

He was playing the same cat and mouse game he’d been following at the beginning, battling the array of assumptions as they arose with Taehyun’s every questionable move. He was met with a dilemma after dilemma and he was lagging on the chase.

But, that wasn’t even the worst part.

No, his _most critical_ worry was the one he was currently facing. _This_ was the thing that made him yearn for a second to pause and rethink every little thing, to try and notice the hints and implications before this could’ve happened.

How could he have been so blind?

He’d been hit with reality like a punch to the face.

_Literally._

He didn’t know what he was expecting when he left his dorm room only to see Hueningkai stride towards him with a resolute and unwelcoming look on his face. Beomgyu left the door ajar, pondering if he should invite him in despite the fire in his eyes and the trembling of his clenched fist.

In seconds, Beomgyu heard a grunt. With a flash of pain, he was nearly knocked off his feet by the blow thrown to the left side of his face. 

Beomgyu stumbled over his footing, hand shooting to cup the tender skin as he tried to process the abrupt, jarring shift of events. He felt his eyes welling up with tears involuntarily at the pain, the sensation flooding over the whole of his face.

Kai had just _hit_ him. The same Kai who sat by him and hugged him without any words, the one who was always there for him despite his lack of calling for it. He’d stalked up to him without hesitation and lunged his fist at him.

Disoriented, Beomgyu looked up at the taller boy in desperate confusion, his eyebrows furrowed deeply. 

“What the hell, Kai?” he rasped out, unable to piece together the reason for what was happening. Half of him was convinced he was living in a nightmare instead. 

“A bet?” Kai ridiculed, his face contorted into an expression which voiced immense scepticism. His eyes burned with some sort of hatred, but most of all, it shined with disappointment. “A fucking _bet,_ Beomgyu?”

Still lost and slightly dizzy, Beomgyu stared at him completely dazed. “What?” he almost whimpered. “How did you…”

“How did I find out after you went out of your way to hide it from me?” Kai yelled after him, chest heaving with his words. “After you drowned yourself in whatever you were going through and I helped you through it without questioning you once? You kept it from me every time I came to your aid?”

“That’s not what I— I wasn’t trying to hide it from you,” Beomgyu lied through his teeth, unsure why he was digging himself deeper into the worst part of the situation. His mind wasn’t working with his mouth, and his head was aching _so bad._

He was trying to defend himself, that was a given. He didn’t know if he should’ve reassured Kai that he wasn’t hiding it from him or if he should tell him things had changed tremendously. The bet wasn’t even going on anymore, though with the way he was speaking made it seem like he was trying to justify his actions.

“Do you know half of what Taehyun is held back by? Do you know how _dearly_ he talks about you?” he maintained, pointing an accusing finger at Beomgyu. “You wanted to ruin his perception of trust just for some pocket money? That isn’t like you.”

“It isn’t like that anymore,” Beomgyu jumped at the chance, his voice coming out just as frantic and expatriated as ever. He didn’t know why the younger boy was so outraged by this. Soobin was hesitant, Yeonjun was reluctant, but Kai was always looking for good at any chance.

“That doesn’t change the fact that you lied to me on multiple occasions,” he snarled. It was with less malice than before, but he kept his stance. “You were willing to break his first heart just like that. You didn’t even _know_ him but you wanted to get revenge on him on behalf of someone else wronging you.”

And Beomgyu knew he was right. 

Despite feeling like the victim, part of him knew he was entirely at fault and he couldn’t blame Kai for reacting the way he did. If he’d known as soon as it started, he unmistakably would’ve stopped it. He would’ve preached about being the better person and would’ve cheered him up over a fateful dinner.

Except, he _didn’t_ know. Now, he was faced with Beomgyu with millions of accusations on the tip of his tongue. He didn’t doubt that he’d seen Taehyun with one heart less. It only added to the flame.

Beomgyu was so _willing_ and ready to have Taehyun fall in love with him just to throw it all away.

Would he have found pleasure from seeing the pain he went through on Taehyun’s face? Would he enjoy looking into a mirror of his past?

Would he enjoy watching the film of his life from the perspective of his villains?

“I believed you when you told me you were trying to warm up to Taehyun because of his hearts. I was so happy to hear that you were growing to leave your past,” Kai almost sounded tired at this point, his words coming out less strenuously now than before. “You let me think Taehyun changed you, and that’s why I was so _okay_ with you being in love with him.”

Beomgyu could do nothing but stare, dumbfounded at his words. He still felt the dull throbbing in his head and the words being thrown at him only worsened the burden.

_So okay with me being in love with him?_

What did it matter if Kai was okay with who he loved? He wasn’t aware the younger had been giving him silent validation when he fell in love. Why wouldn’t he be okay with it if it weren’t Taehyun who he’d fallen for?

Following that initial thought, Kai _knew_ he was in love with Taehyun. Why was he the one taking the baggage of the pain?

“What are you talking about?” Beomgyu rasped out. He tried to search his eyes for some sort of clue as to what he was getting at but was only returned with a sorrowful gaze. He couldn’t hold the contact. 

Though, he wished he did when his eyes slipped to the fading heart on Kai’s wrist.

Only then did the hurt in his own heart pain him more than the banging of his head.

“Kai?” he whimpered this time, his voice catching in a lump in his throat. His eyes shifted between his wrist and the boy’s face. “Hyuka, what’s happening? Why… your heart,” Beomgyu panicked.

_This wasn’t supposed to happen._

When he didn’t answer him, Beomgyu tried to step closer. “I swear, I’m not in on the bet anymore. I’m not going to break his heart, Kai,” he pleaded, trying to save the already sullen heart. He knew it was no use when the younger only stepped back. “I need you to believe me, please. I’m not trying to--”

“That’s not what this is about,” Kai bellowed, protectively holding back his wrist with one heart less. _Three instead of four._

Beomgyu could feel his chest ache. He just wanted to go back to when Kai would hold him so easily in his arms. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Who are you, Beomgyu?” he begged. “You’re not the boy I fell in love with.”

The words hit him with the entire weight they were intended to.

He felt as if a piece of who he was was being ripped away from him at that very moment.

_That was it._

Hueningkai was in love with him, and he aided him through his own turmoil of emotions the whole time. He urged him to go ahead with his feelings despite his hurt because he thought it would be _better_ for him that way. He believed he wasn’t enough for Beomgyu and wanted only the best for him.

Kai forced himself to endure the lovesick smiles on Beomgyu’s face that weren’t directed at him.

On top of that, _Beomgyu_ broke one of his hearts.

That’s what he got for aiding the broken.

“I— I didn’t…” he started, lips quivering. Before he could begin defending himself, he felt a wave of guilt wash over him. His cheeks felt warm as tears began their fateful cascade. He didn’t know what to say which could mend the damage that was done.

Kai only shook his head, his own eyes flashing with the same wet glimmer. “Don’t,” he whispered, shaking his head. “I’m sorry for hitting you.”

That was the last thing he’d said before turning on his heel and dashing away.

He left Beomgyu dazed. His lips were slightly parted, unsaid words laying in the cage. His eyes were wide and spilling with fresh tears every following second. His chest was aching so bad and he didn’t know how to stop it. 

_He’d broken Kai’s heart._

Radiant, spirited Kai who’d given his all to him. 

Who had he come to be?

* * *

  
  


It wouldn’t get any easier from there.

_Who are you, Beomgyu?_

How could he ask a question that even Beomgyu himself didn’t have the answer to? Hit him with it a few months ago and he would’ve answered with such ease it was inspiring. With where he was now, he doesn’t even know where he would start.

Part of him was pondering on the question, the other part was hurting from the one who asked it.

Beomgyu knew he would never forgive himself. Even if Hueningkai came up to him and told him it was okay, that no harm was done, this would follow him on and on until he’d find some sort of redemption. It was impossibly unlikely.

He spent the majority of his life blaming and hating the people who mindlessly broke his hearts. He despised them and had regretted even _knowing_ them in the first place.

How could he have become his worst enemy?

It was ironic, really. He cursed at them only to be in their place, blamed their carelessness for his jeopardy only to be that same cause. Was the universe laughing now?

When Kai left in a haste, Beomgyu didn’t even get the time to recover before he was completely out of his sight. The boy was still ridden with shock, his face wet and limbs froze in place. It was overwhelming yet steady at the same time, and by the time he’d broken out of it, the younger was long gone.

What would he even have said if he were still here?

Defeated and wrung, Beomgyu silently trudged back into his single dorm and his room. He didn’t think anything of it when he fell into his bed, feeling heavier than before. He couldn’t bring himself to resume what he was initially doing, not when this new baggage was beginning to crumble him.

This whole time, Kai loved him. He was the holder of one of his hearts. 

Beomgyu didn’t want to think anymore. There wasn’t anything he could do, not when his mind whirled at unmatchable speeds and clogged the majority of his rational thoughts. His head still throbbed painfully and he couldn’t bring himself to do anything for it. It was unbearable but avoidable.

He just didn’t have the will.

Instead of searching for an ice pack or calling Kai over to explain, he only plugged his earphones into his phone and blasted the first song he could find, hoping it would drown out his thoughts and he could _rest_ for just a while. He didn’t want anything else.

So, there he laid. On his back with his music at the highest volume as he willed away every pressing matter. He dealt with them by not dealing with it. That was all he had the energy for. He let his eyes flutter closed so no more tears would threaten to fall.

He didn’t know how long it went on, how many songs his phone had shuffled through, how much lyrics he’d let float around instead of his thoughts. It might’ve been hours, maybe minutes, but he wasn’t keeping track.

When he felt a gentle tap on his shoulder, he knew it’d been longer than necessary.

“Taehyun?”

“Hey, love,” _warm, welcoming eyes._ “How have you not gone deaf? Your music is so loud.”

Beomgyu only stared, wondering if an angel had come down to swoop him up and save him from his cell of thoughts. “What’re you doing here?” he mumbled, halfheartedly sitting up. “How did you get in?”

“Your front door was open,” Taehyun frowned, “which is really concerning. I thought someone had broken in, it was wide open.”

He’d left it open and he’d only now realised it.

“I must’ve forgot to shut it,” Beomgyu whispered shamefully, the sound of the music still blasting through the earphones which were now discarded.

The boy still didn’t know what Taehyun was doing here, completely unannounced all the whilst actively dodging his company in the first place. He wondered if, in a desperate attempt to have some sort of company, he’d called him here and didn’t remember.

“I’m sorry,” Taehyun halted his wreck of thoughts and answering the unspoken question, “I’ve been pushing you away a lot and you’re just trying to help. I appreciate it, I really do. I just don’t know how to deal with…” he trailed off, eyes furrowed as he watched Beomgyu, “is that a bruise?”

Beomgyu’s hand suddenly flew up to his face, the remnants of Kai’s anger still lingering. He felt the pain rush in just as quick as the guilt did once again, wincing almost physically when it hit him all at once.

Taehyun mended it, but only temporarily.

“What happened?” he gaped, his own hands coming up to cup Beomgyu’s face. One hand pried away Beomgyu's fingers, revealing the likely red mark. His touch was delicate and gentle, fingers barely grazing the spot by his eye.

“Uh, I got punched,” Beomgyu muttered under the breath of his voice, unsure if this was something he wanted to discuss right now.

“Yeah, no shit. By _who_?” Taehyun further questioned, eyes blazing with some sort of fury. 

He looked down sheepishly, the words dancing on his tongue but never being spoken.

Because, he couldn’t really tell him, could he? Then, everything would be out and it would be an even deeper shitshow. He’d have to tell him that Kai rightfully hit him after finding out he’d been lying to him about the bet he’d been playing on _him_ . He’d have to tell him he’d broken one of his hearts after not knowing the younger had been in love with him. He’d have to tell him _everything_ he'd been planning to do from the start.

Maybe some things were better unspoken.

“Some guy on campus,” he shrugged, regretting the words as soon as they came out. “I walked into him and he had a really bad temper.”

Taehyun seemed to see right through him, Beomgyu could tell. He didn’t comment on it.

“By the looks of it you haven't iced it, right?” he shook his head idly. “Wait here, then.”

When he left his room, Beomgyu let himself fall back and exhale. He’d let himself have this, just this once.

“Move over a little,” Taehyun mumbled when he entered the room with a frozen pack of something in his hand. Even in Beomgyu’s worst moments, he thought Taehyun looked beautiful.

When he shuffled over, the younger made himself comfortable beside him, patting his lap so Beomgyu would rest his head against his thighs. Taehyun smiled down at him when he did so, and Beomgyu thought he could lie here for the rest of his life.

Taehyun held the ice pack to his temple, pressing lightly just so it was enough to numb the skin. He noticed how Beomgyu winced slightly and let his other hand run through the mess of hair. He worked his fingers through the dark curls, easing him slowly yet surely.

Beomgyu let him. He wanted to stay here forever with the presence of his lover by his side.

He knew he could call him that now.

“She isn’t coming back,” Taehyun muttered more so to himself than to the boy he’d been staring so fondly at. Beomgyu gazed up at him in a haze. “I guess when I accepted that I realised I need to stop letting it alter my life.”

Beomgyu let him talk, watching as the freckles that dusted his cheeks moved with his words. He let him talk because it’d been the first time he was willingly talking about Sooyun after swallowing all his pride before. He wanted him to stop pretending he didn’t need anyone.

“I’m getting better, I promise,” he continued, his bottom lip caught between his teeth in a fit of nerves. “I’m trying.”

“You’re doing your best, I’m proud of you,” Beomgyu offered, mind clogging with his sweet, honey-slicken voice. It was the music that relieves you of the tension you unknowingly home. "Take your time with it, I'll be here the whole time."

“Thank you,” he gave a modest smile, pulling back the fluffy curls in his fingers. “You do help more than you think you do.”

“I’m sure you’re capable on your own, don't give me any credit,” the elder kidded, allowing a playful huff to leave his mouth. 

Taehyun frowned at his remark, humour completely missed. “I told you that you were my constant before, yeah?” he reminded him, not waiting for a response. “It was the truth. Had you not been there, I would’ve crashed and burned with the sudden changes of my life. I was weighed down by my own fucked up problems and you took it like it was nothing.”

When Beomgyu didn’t speak, he went on. “Give yourself all the credit, actually. You’ve given me so much to look forward to. _You_ gave me the will to go on. Believe it or not, you have a bigger impact on me than you think,” he paused for a single breath, “and you did it all on the verge of your own breaking point.” _His single heart._

 _Kang Taehyun was _everything_ , _Beomgyu thought. 

He was all of what he never knew he was looking for. He came in the form of the one person he thought he didn’t need only to depend on him so much in the end. 

If it’d end bad, at least he had right now. 

At least he had his everything when it seemed he had nothing.

“I love you,” Beomgyu made sure he knew. “I love you. _I love you_ . I love you for everything. I love you _with_ everything.”

Taehyun couldn’t suppress the giggles at the sudden declaration. “I love you, too.”

At least he'd gotten to hear those words before it all went fucking haywire.  
  


* * *

**kai ><:**

**im sorry**

**im so sorry hyung i didnt know**

**i didnt mean to tel him i thought he already knew but he didn't andn**

**fuck im so so sorry please tell me youre okay**

**i just realised it**

**beomgyu hyung please text me back**

**im coming to you**


	17. Neglecting

The calm before the storm.

A period of unusual tranquillity or stability that seems likely to presage difficult times.

It’s the time slice right before all else fails. It’s the moment where high hopes are set and ease is dispersed like a heavy, thick blanket over the victims. 

A false sense of hope; a faulty cage. A thin veil that blinds the eye to the destruction just enough to convince it that all was well.

“If I knew you’d be so hazardous in the kitchen, I wouldn't have let you enter,” Beomgyu mused from Taehyun’s side, legs comfortably thrown over his lap. 

The two had just spent over an hour pushing aside their school work to do some baking. Beomgyu had proposed the idea with the mindset that Taehyun had _some_ history with a mixer. At least a little.

He was proved terribly wrong when he turned his back only to be met by an explosion of flour over the counters and floor when Taehyun had tried to work the electric mixer. He’d put the setting way too high and the sudden momentum had thrown all the dry ingredients out.

Despite the faults and mess, Beomgyu found him endearing. He always was when it came to Taehyun. The fact that he had various talents and stress tolerance, but couldn’t bake cookies? God, he was absolutely gone for him.

“If I knew you were so good at baking I wouldn’t have tried to bake in front of you,” Taehyun derided in return, flicking his finger on his leg. “You’ll be in charge of all of the food from now and on.”

“Are you restricting me to the kitchen now?” Beomgyu kidded, “what happened to equality?”

Taehyun gave him a pointed look, raising an eyebrow. “We’re both boys.”

“And you’re telling me my place is in the kitchen,” he moped. 

“Hyung, I didn’t say that,” the younger boy groaned, throwing his head back, “if we lived together I would learn all the recipes in the world and I’d make dinner for you whenever you want.”

Beomgyu felt his heart leap in his chest, beating eccentrically as his face warmed its familiar heat. He’d been teasing him first, but Taehyun always had a way of nonchalantly turning it back on him.

“I was only kidding,” he stammered, keeping his head down in a futile attempt to mask the blush dusting his cheeks and ears.

He missed the way Taehyun watched him, endeared. He missed the small smile which spread over his lips and the adoration in his eyes. 

“Yeah, I know,” the younger spoke with a breathy voice, his single dimple making the faintest of dents in his cheek.

Beomgyu didn’t know why, but he’d always jump a little when Taehyun would lean forward to kiss him. He wasn’t used to it, but he never failed to melt into the kiss right after, relishing in the feel of his soft lips.

He loved him. He loved the way he’d graze his fingers over his jaw when they kissed. He loved the humble gestures. He loved how he was touchy when they were alone but held back with only soft, knowing glances in public, barely there but sure. 

Every moment with him was like stepping out into a field of sunflowers; bright and dizzying. Mesmerising and calming. 

“Is there anything else you want to comment on?” Taehyun snickered after seeing his vivacious face only deepen in colour when he pulled away. Still, he stayed close, fingers trailing the height of his cheekbones and grazing at the hair covering falling over his eyes. He always stayed in contact.

“I don’t know,” Beomgyu mumbled, “what do you want to talk about?”

When he wasn’t met with an answer, he looked up to meet his eyes again, curiosity filling for a brief second.

A brief second, because he instantly caught on to the younger's eyes tracking his hearts.

He’d endured that look on reoccurring occasions. Prying, wondering eyes gazing over his single heart, wondering what could’ve caused them so early on in his life.

Even though Taehyun looked up just as quick as he looked down, Beomgyu knew the question was lingering on his lips.

“Do you want to know about them?” he queried aloud, voice quieting down from before.

“Only if you’re comfortable telling me,” Taehyun quickly retorted, lips curving downwards in a haste show of worry, “I won't mind if you don’t want to.”

But, Beomgyu owed him that much, didn't he? Taehyun had trusted him with so many things about his life and Beomgyu couldn’t remember a single moment where the redhead had asked for anything in return.

“I’m always comfortable with you,” he beamed solemnly, leaning over to place a haste kiss onto his lips. He wasn’t far. “I trust you with my life.”

“I’m glad.” another kiss, “What’s your story?”

“It isn’t as drastic as you’d think,” Beomgyu muttered, shrugging his shoulders only slightly. “It was mostly just me being an idiot like four times.”

“You’re not an idiot for getting hurt,” Taehyun uttered sadly, brushing back his hair again. “You couldn’t control that.”

“I could’ve if only I didn’t love too easily,” the older boy lamented with a weary tone. “After I lost my third heart, I didn’t _want_ to love. I only did because I was kind of forced into it. When that was over, I didn’t want anyone to make me feel like that again just so I could feel safe.

“What changed?”

Beomgyu smiled, “You’re too easy to love.”

And that was when the storm hit.

* * *

Beomgyu didn’t know what Hueningkai’s text messages were about, but he wasn’t going to sit by and wait for whatever to happen. Something in him began to shake with timid fear, unsure if he should go into a flight or fight response or if he should let it be.

But, the messages were urgent and frantic, sent seconds after each other. Part of him knew what they were about but he didn’t want to admit it to himself. He could be reading into it wrong, right?

He told himself that as he texted Hueningkai telling him he’d be around the biology department to check on Taehyun. He told himself it would be okay when Kai hurriedly bombarded his phone with notifications telling him _not_ to go see the younger boy. He tried to stay positive when he noticed Taehyun wasn’t picking up his calls.

It was okay. The younger boy should be leaving his class around this time. He’d just go check on him.

Though, the small, logical side of his brain knew this wasn’t okay. It knew that something was bound to happen and he was putting himself in a state of jeopardy. If only he’d have listened is all.

He had a habit of contradicting the truth with layers of wishful lies. Not straight out deceptions, but alternative truths. Hopeful predicaments. Faulty honesty.

Once he reached the looming buildings, he wandered around the campus, ignoring the buzzing and ringing of his phone. It was probably Kai. 

First, he needed to find Taehyun and make sure they were okay.

In an area with barely anyone around, he saw him.

The said boy was walking with his head hung low, bashful almost. One of his hands were clung tightly onto the strap of his bag, fists almost white with the force he'd been exerting. 

Beomgyu faltered in his steps, unsure if it was rational to approach him. His walking was rushed and his face was contorted into some sort of distress that the boy couldn’t mark. He didn’t have that usual glow to his face, and it was terribly wrong.

A setting stone of dread made itself comfortable in the pits of Beomgyu’s stomach.

_Nothing was wrong. They are fine._

At least, that was the mindset he tried to have despite it being obvious. How long can one go on in denial until the truth was jostled into them? How far can you go hiding behind false beliefs before what you’d been dreading would shake the ground and crumble that wall?

Beomgyu was about to find out.

“Taehyun, hey,” he greeted out, returning his hurried steps. As he closed the distance between them, his body felt heavier when the boy didn’t seem any closer, not when he didn’t even turn to his voice.

The younger stalked on, almost as if he didn’t hear Beomgyu’s frantic voice calling out to him before. He kept walking as if he was some stranger bypassing what was going to come to be a devastating scene. 

Was he doing it on purpose? That couldn’t be right.

Beomgyu was still hiding behind that faulty wall. It was only giving him momentary solace.

“Taehyun?” he almost sounded dejected, his voice coming out light and airy. It held dubiousness, but not defeat. Not yet. “Are you okay— what’s going on?” he goes for his wrist, the first of the many mistakes that day, “hey, talk to me.”

With his fingers clasped around his soft skin, the younger halted in his steps. He didn’t make any sign of turning around to face him, head still hung low as his mouth stayed shut. 

Bewildered by his actions, Beomgyu searched for _anything._ He didn’t know if he was looking for any injuries or if he’d gotten the wrong person when his eyes raked over his body, but he knew this wasn’t right. 

If only he’d known how _right_ he was.

Where his eyes roamed, his heart plummeted.

Because splayed out under his fingers, were the array of Taehyun’s hearts; the once full group of five which used to make him stand out. 

When Beomgyu pulled back one of his fingers concealing the ashen heart, his world came crashing down when he noticed there were two.

_Two dull hearts. Three hearts left._

He was left even more lost than minutes ago, the misty wall beginning to crumble in front of him. His mind whizzed at unbearable speeds, making him almost dizzy. It seemed it all began to fall down at that point.

Had someone else pierced his heart? Why didn’t he tell Beomgyu? Was he in love with someone else? Did someone else he knew pass away? _Why didn’t he tell Beomgyu?_ Was there someone out there who’d hurt him? _Why didn’t he tell me?_

None of it made sense to him. Not the avoiding, nor the lack of hearts. Losing a heart is such a pivotal point in one's life, wouldn’t it have made sense for him to tell him?

Taehyun loved him.

Maybe that was the problem. Maybe it was _him._

“Hyun…” he breathed, desperately trying to put his faulty barrier back up as it started to fall apart in his hands. His mind clouded with silent pleads, both to himself and to Taehyun. He prayed it wasn’t him. He prayed he wasn’t the cause. 

He’d broken Kai’s heart and it devastated him. Who would he be if he broke Taehyun’s too?

“What happened to your heart?” Beomgyu swallowed, chest hammering with unsaid worries. His body felt cold all over and he knew he’d have to face whatever was coming no matter how hard he tried to hide.

Taehyun had finally turned to him and met his eyes.

“Who cares? I have three more, don't I?” he bit back nonchalantly as if the whole ordeal had been discardable. He spoke as if Beomgyu’s world wasn’t folding in on him and trapping him where he stood. “Perks of having five from the start, right?”

His eyes told a different story. Though his voice was reserved and monotonous, his eyes held a fire beyond words. They weren’t outwardly angry, instead, a tired sadness washed over them. Under that, there was unspoken animosity, and Beomgyu tried to convince himself it wasn’t directed towards him.

“What do you mean?” Beomgyu gaped, unsure if he was hearing him right. He wished he wasn't here right now. He wished he was back under the artificial stars with Taehyun in his bed, newfound love floating in the air between them with undertones of raw happiness.

Not here. Not outside with a tense atmosphere and two boys who were both painfully aware of what was wrong, both too afraid to speak of it. Not where the underlying dread began to suffocate him alongside the fear.

“I mean, I have three more chances to protect myself, Beomgyu,” Taehyun dictated, sugarcoating his words with hidden malice. His uptight facade was beginning to slip away, words coming out with more bite in them than when they started.

“I— I know that,” Beomgyu deluded himself, furrowing his eyebrows and shaking his head in a fit of frustration. It wasn’t going the way he wanted. When did it ever? He swallowed hard, afraid of the inevitable answer to his next question. “Who… who broke it?”

Taehyun only stared at him dead in the eyes, gaze never faltering with any of their back and forth discourse. His stance was almost screaming ‘ _I’m looking right at him_ ’. 

He didn’t want to believe it, but Beomgyu already knew the answer no matter how much he tried to look for alternatives. Kai’s texts were the first and only red flags he needed to know. The only problem was that he told himself it wasn’t serious.

Being here, right here in front of Taehyun, was enough to prove him wrong.

“Why?” he paused, unsure of what to ask. His mind jumped between _how_ and _what?_ It spun through barricades of queries and doubts, weaving past apologies and jumbled words which didn’t make sense. Nothing was making sense to him now.

“That’s a good question. Why does anything happen in this fucking disappointment of a world?” Taehyun derided in disbelief, a humourless grin playing at his lips. “Why? Why did I have to hear it from Hueningkai and not you?”

“Taehyun—”

“Tell me, why did I have to hear it from your best friend who’d just lost his heart to _you_? Why did I have to be lied to from the start?” he continued on, heartless chuckles escaping through his words despite the heavy lack of humour. “I wouldn’t have believed him had it not been for his three hearts.”

Beomgyu couldn’t do much but repeat what he’d said to Kai like a broken record, unable to format its way out. “It’s not like that anymore.”

“What is?” Taehyun prompted dangerously him, taking a step closer. “I want you to say it.”

“I don’t…” Beomgyu whimpered, discouraged. He wished his thoughts would stay in place for even a few mere seconds, just so he could attempt to fix what he’d already broken. The only problem was that some things held permanent damage. “I’m not trying to break your heart, Taehyun. Not anymore—"

“So, he was right?” he jumped in midway, interrupting his words. Disbelief and hurt laced his voice under the fierce power of them all. His wall was crumbling. “You were planning to make me fall in love with you just to break me?”

“No, I— Yes, yes, I _was,_ but it was called off a long time ago, I promise,” Beomgyu hurried, his words beginning to pour out with insurgent desperation. His mind spun and his hands began to tremble, heart pounding in his ears as he tried to save himself.

When he was met with silence, he took it as the wrong path. He went on, trying to patch up the cracks with makeshift glue. He was trying to build back the skyscraper they’d built to the sky together. He was trying to piece back the heavy clumps with feeble plasters.

He thought they’d built a home that heaven couldn’t shake. 

“Do you think I would’ve been able to fake it all? When I confessed everything? Everytime we kissed?” Beomgyu fumbled with his words, allowing the waterfall to spill out and overflow the already flooding pit. His desperate attempts only spilt out and over the edge, going unheard and lost forever.

“I managed to do that with someone else,” Taehyun reasoned, and Beomgyu had almost forgotten about the boy Taehyun had lost. Taehyun was thinking about how he’d faked his feelings for that boy, while Beomgyu was thinking about how he’d lost his last heart to him. How starkly different their thoughts had been.

“That was different,” he continued not long after, fearing his own fate.

“How is it any different?”

“The difference between us is that I love you,” he pleaded genuinely, eyes pricking when the familiarity didn’t wash over Taehyun’s eyes. He didn’t stop. He needed him to believe him. “I love you, I swear, I love you, Taehyun. Please, you—"

Taehyun discontinued his jumble of words again. “I know you do,” _he hadn’t said I love you back._ “But, how can I trust that you’ll continue? That you won’t snap back into your hatred from before?”

“I won’t, because—"

“Because I have three hearts now? Because I’m in the same devastating state as you are and there’s no longer any superiority in our relationship?” he bellowed, sharp phrases shooting between them and piercing Beomgyu straightforwardly. His words hit right where they needed to. “Because you’d already gotten what you wanted?”

Beomgyu could only stare in disbelief. “What?” he stammered, knowing it wouldn’t be enough if he told him he loved him again.

And, that was the problem. He loved him too much and that love was coming back to get him. He was playing a losing game from the start.

“You know, it’s people like you who ruin _you,"_ Taehyun seethed, “the only difference is you’re both the oppressed and the oppressor.”

“I— I don’t…”

“Don’t you get it? Half of our relationship is built on lies. You didn’t even want to know me at the start, but you wanted me to hurt over you,” Beomgyu didn’t miss the way his voice cracked, the roaring anger from before beginning to tumble and crack under the weight of his words. “Why did you think everyone had to suffer the same way you did?

“You were the first person I loved, and you’re the first person I adore,” Taehyun broke, “how did you come to be the first person to ruin it all?”

Beomgyu didn’t know when he’d dropped his grip on his hand, but he didn’t have the time to ponder over it as he watched Taehyun walk away.

It was like he’d been ridden in a state of shock, his feet rooted to the ground beneath him, unmoving. For the first time, his mind ran quiet and he knew exactly what was happening. He wasn’t hiding anymore, instead, he was out in the open, homing the scars of the prolonged attack. 

He would be able to fix things, wouldn’t he? Maybe Taehyun just needed some time for himself and after that, they’d talk things out. It would be easy. It _should_ be easy.

It was okay. 

He’d only broken his heart.

He’d only robbed him of a chance to keep himself up and love spontaneously. He’d only stolen one of the lives this world held so dearly. He’d only done the one thing he told himself he’d never come to. He’d only satisfied his initial intentions.

Between the palms of both his hands, he’d held and broken the hearts of his best friend and lover. They had given him their all, and he disregarded it without even knowing. How could he call himself a good person when he was where he is right now?

How could he convince himself that things were fixable when he was the one who had broken them beyond repair before?

Hueningkai could forgive him, but Beomgyu couldn’t give him back his heart.

Taehyun could take him back, but Beomgyu couldn’t give him back his heart.

Who was to say he’d ever changed from the start?

It was happening so slowly, then all at once. His heart started beating in his ears and his chest felt heavy, aching almost. The world _was_ closing in on him, he was sure he wasn’t imagining it. He felt the familiar prickle in his eyes, then the warm streaks down his cheeks followed by the constriction in his throat. It held, holding him tight to the point of breakage.

How could he continue to go on with his days with the knowledge that he’d gotten out fine while the people he cared about most were one step closer to his fate because of him? The guilt was already blooming from the pits of his heart, spreading over his body with every rushed beat.

His wrist began to itch uncomfortably, stinging almost.

The pit of dread only spread from there. He knew what this was. He's experienced it four times before.

Still, he held his wrist up to his sight and his chest ached, even more, when he saw the glow begin to lose its luminance. He watched defeatedly as his mind won over and began to rob him of all his efforts, the colour dulling with every second.

This wasn’t what he wanted.

Beomgyu held his wrist in his hand, fingers closing around it as if to stop his mindset from plaguing his hearts, grip so tight it was almost cutting off the circulation. His legs felt weak under his body and he didn’t know what to do.

What would Soobin do? No—what would Soobin do if he found him like this? Losing his last heart? How would the boy go on _after_? Soobin, who promised to protect him, who told him he would never let him reach this stage, who watched him almost lose it once, only to have him finally lose it again. 

What would Yeonjun feel? Yeonjun, who’d apologised to him after the cold shoulder he’d given him, his eyes softening when Beomgyu told him it didn’t matter. Yeonjun, who tried to convince him that he’d be there for him at all time. Yeonjun, who held him in his arms when all else failed.

“Not like this,” Beomgyu whimpered to no one but himself, his voice catching in his voice as he choked the words out. His tears fell onto his wrist, rolling down his arm. “No— no, please.”

He thought of Hueningkai. He would be devastated. He wouldn’t forgive himself. He was on his way now, right? He'd be the first to see him like this and Beomgyu knew him. The boy would let the guilt cloud him to the ends of the earth.

Beomgyu couldn’t leave him in that state.

But, he couldn't hold out on his on.

He fell to his knees under the weight of the pressure and emotions that had suddenly taken over, unable to keep himself up anymore as his chest heaved heavy and his hands shook recklessly. 

Inevitably, his mind went to Taehyun. 

Kang Taehyun, in all his glory.

Even though he stimulated the process, Beomgyu would never blame him.

He couldn't when his mind was tormented with nothing but the overwhelming love he felt for the younger boy. At times like those, no flaws would be evident. He'd seen the tips of the mountains, glistening in the sunlight, but not the bases being abused by the rough streams and patchy rocks. It was only bright love. 

Nothing but raw, blissful love.

Because, in the end, that was what Taehyun was to him. He was _real_ and made him feel the better instead of the bitter side of love. He’d gathered up the pieces and, instead of piecing him back together, had stored them away for safekeeping from others.

He was the kind of love he didn’t know he needed.

And, as initially planned, he broke one of his hearts.

How did it come to _this_?

“Please, not like this,” he whispered to no one.

He was alone.

The heart had gone grey.

“ _B_ _eomgyu? Beomgyu! No— no, this isn’t happening..._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ONE CHAPTER LEFT DONT KILL ME YET T____T


	18. Inevitable Fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He who fears he will suffer, already suffers because he fears.”  
> — Michel De Montaigne

“Beomgyu?” Hueningkai quivered, skidding on the ground to reach his level. His hands hovered over the older boy, unsure of where to set them when his life was being drained from him. “Beomgyu, look at me. You’re okay— you’re going to be fine.”

Kai didn't want this to happen. In no way would he have wished this on his worst enemy, nevertheless his best friend. He held the initial anger and hurt dearly to his heart, and it crumbled him under the weight, but he would grow stronger and overcome it.

He would bear the weight of being in love with him and he would break through. After that, things would be back to how they should've been; with Beomgyu finding the smallest things to enjoy in his life while on the edge of losing it all.

How would that happen now? How could anything go back to how they should've been when Beomgyu was the one that held it all together? 

"Kai-ah," Beomgyu whimpered through a hoarse voice, his cheeks slick with tears and red with heat. His tone was broken and defeated, and he was sinking too deep— beyond rescue. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," Kai hurried, his voice urgent and desperate as he tried to get Beomgyu to register his words. It was as if he was talking to the boy through a plane of thick, noice-cancelling glass. The words were simply bouncing back, never getting through to him nor were they reaching his ears. "Beomgyu, listen to me. It wasn't your fault. I forgive you— do you hear me?"

No sign of recognition. He was talking to a boy who could only listen to the malicious, degrading words from himself. He was trying to convince someone who was so far into his own mind that no light words would amount to the hectic turmoil he was putting himself through.

When Kai watched the remorse in his eyes begin to shift into something unfamiliar, it hit him then. It all came crashing down.

_He was already too late._

Beomgyu met his eyes, tear-filled and beautiful all at the same time. There was never a moment where he’d look out of his element.

How unlucky Kai had been to fall in love with him.

How unfortunate he’d been to be here, watching the stars leave his eyes right in front of him, to watch the frantic recognition morph into a blunt, lifeless stare.

How ill-fated he had been to be the one witnessing this first hand; to watch helplessly as the boy he loved lost all the love he had and became an empty shell of what used to be. How did things come to turn out this way?

To watch Beomgyu lose what made him whole.

Choi Beomgyu had lost himself.

* * *

Taehyun had fallen in love.

Have him hear such an outlandish thing only a year earlier, he would have turned around and shrugged the person off, jeering at the impracticable words. He’d never seen himself in a place where he would be wholly vulnerable to someone; fully prone to wounds as he let them wield the sword. 

After all, only a fool would trust someone that much.

Taehyun was a fool. A fool in _love_ , that is.

After beholding the consequences of someone he loved wasting all her hearts, he’d been stricken exactly where the wound was tender and open. Watching his mother be played and abandoned was like a blunt knife wedging itself deeper and deeper into an already open slash. 

He had to watch with his five gleaming, vivacious hearts as his mother neglected him with five eclipsed hearts on her own wrist. 

She never spoke to him even once, never even acknowledged his presence when he spoke. How could she? She'd been robbed of the ability to care about him. The five dark hearts on her wrist had chained her down and slowly extracted every ounce of sympathy she had.

It was an unimaginable feat of labour to have his only parental figure stripped away from him. People would go to their mother to talk about their own love interest or to interest them in their life, not the beg them to eat or force them to take care of themselves.

He didn't have his father to go to, he didn't have his step-father to yell at or spill all his anger onto. He didn't have anyone to lean on as the content and lives of two people were dumped upon him in mere seconds. 

There was no point in trusting after that. Taehyun had witnessed first hand what would happen if one were to lose all their hearts and if anything, he would do whatever it took to avoid that fate.

After that, he’d held up his armour in hopes of parrying every threat he thought would come his way. What was the point of laying down his guard in front of someone who could belittle him in mere seconds, stripping him of everything he’d built up?

Taehyun only needed himself, anyway. He was the only person who could bear the baggage and the only one who would be able to protect him from everyone else.

In a world like this, loving just wasn’t worth it. 

Temporary trices in false heavens weren’t worth the eternity in hell he’d have to go through after.

He had to have his life stripped from him so early on, seized before his very eyes by someone who he never got to know personally. That was the only outcome he'd seen feasible if he allowed himself to trust.

The incident with his mother didn’t teach him to value what he had, no. It only instructed him that once you’d given yourself to somebody, they had the power to turn it on you and pulverise you between two of their fingers.

They had the will to continue squeezing and twisting without the victim even knowing until they were already at their breaking point.

But, from Beomgyu, Taehyun learned that they also had the power to gently enclose you in a shell of serenity; in a chamber of promises and might. He’d been his shelter and throughout it all, he taught him the value of keeping that one person close.

Loving always came with a price, he’d also learned.

Beomgyu wasn’t supposed to be a part of his life. He wasn’t supposed to come crashing and burning on his secure island, he wasn’t supposed to situate himself enduringly into his safe place.

And, god, did Taehyun try to get him out.

He tried to get him out as soon as he’d started routinely talking to him. He sought to distance himself from the older boy as much as he could because he didn’t need someone like that in his life. From the very start, Taehyun did his best to strengthen a barrier between them before he’d lose the fight.

Though, there Beomgyu came; in a frenzy of blazing fire, rocketing through the brittle bricks and warming the other lonely side. Once they were on the same side, he’d worked with him to build a more solid wall— one which would seclude them both from the world.

It was overwhelming in the best way. Taehyun couldn’t pinpoint the definite moment where he’d begun to trust Beomgyu, but he knew it was inevitable.

And again, how foolish he’d been.

Taehyun supposed from their very first encounter that Beomgyu was interested in him.

Or, at least he seemed to be. Behind all the bogus sympathy and alluring smiles hid the envy and malicious intent the older boy had homed when he met him. 

He couldn't think of their first confrontation without a rush of hurt coursing through his body. It was dull and the friction rubbed harshly at his veins and his heart ached at the thought of Beomgyu, the one person he’d loved, striving to snatch away his heart.

He never would have guessed that the only person that he had wholeheartedly trusted would have been the only person who had a personal vendetta against him.

Taehyun was enraged. He was excruciatingly livid at the older boy for taking hold of his heart and squeezing until he was just about to burst. Taehyun homed so much hurt and anger towards him for it all. He’d lost a heart to him, after all.

But, at the same time, he knew the anger would dissipate and dissolve until there was none of it left. 

Even though Taehyun had lost his heart to him, he knew he would forgive him in an instant. He wouldn’t be able to stay irate.

Because, not only did he break his heart, but he proved to him that he was _capable_ of getting his heart broken. 

Not in the crushing, family passing way, but in the lovers' gone wrong way. Beomgyu taught him that he was able to let someone in and take over, and he was able to hurt over it. He let him endure so many things all at once, even the obscurer bits.

He taught Taehyun that his family weren't the only people that could love him, that bonds didn't have to strictly be blood-related. That he could be loved by people he loved.

No amount of hostility would allow him to hold so much resentment for too long. Nothing would take away the light he saw him in.

Taehyun was so thrilled that his first love was someone so lively yet so close to the verge of loss.

It was like Beomgyu could dance and parade on the edge of a cliff all because Taehyun was there and he trusted him to hold him back when he got too close to the edge. He could twirl with the wind brushing through his lively hair, all with a blinding smile on his face as his laughter sounded the area. 

Was Taehyun able to latch onto his hand this time? To hold him before he'd slipped and fell?

He’d reached out a second too late.

It’d only been a day since Taehyun had lost his heart to Beomgyu.

Said boy was sitting at his desk, arched over a thick book at his side and a long page of pending questions for one of his lectures.

He would’ve completed the entire task already had it not been for the agitation playing at his nerves every so often. He’d pause to tap his pen against his book or his mind would wander to the disheartened eyes he’d hosted the day before.

Taehyun spent an hour shifting in his chair, an unsettling feeling of remorse nagging the back of his mind as his eyes every so often drifted to his three hearts.

It wasn’t an exaggeration to say that he jumped when his phone abruptly notified him of a message. It wasn’t too much to say his heart was filled with a subtle hope as he unlocked the screen to check.

It was a bit over the top to say he deflated when he saw they were not from the boy he was hoping they were from. Why hadn’t he texted him yet?

**choi soobin:**

**hi taehyun! is beomgyu with you?**

**kai rushed out of my dorm yesterday saying he needed to see him and i haven't seen either of them since then**

**actually i've seen kai but he won't talk to me for some reason?**

_—:_

_no, he isn't with me_

**choi soobin:**

**huh that's weird**

**okay thanks anyway !**

That should have been the end of it. Taehyun should have shut off his phone and continued with this work so he could advance with his day as if nothing was wrong.

But, it seemed like everything all the whilst nothing was wrong at the same time. He was fine now, but everything seemed off and he couldn’t tell why. The same nagging sensation from earlier had only intensified, pushing his concern and furthering his wonderment.

Instead of brushing it off, his mind felt tormented as he typed in another message.

_—:_

_what do you mean weird?_

**choi soobin:**

**idk he usually texts me throughout the day**

**just random things and useless updates about things he saw and what would excite him lol**

**but today he didn't? he hasn't texted me since yesterday morning**

That was when the panic began nestling itself in his mind, slow and steady at first. The second message had struck something strange in the pits of his heart, kickstarting it into beginning its erratic and unsteady beating.

He’d left Beomgyu in a frenzy of anger and frustration yesterday. He didn’t look back.

_—:_

_do you know where he is?_

**choi soobin:**

**nope he hasn't replied**

**you don't think it's anything serious, right?**

**he could just be busy with work**

_—:_

_right_

**choi soobin:**

**eh i'll check up on him later if he doesn't respond soon.. if he's overworking he's probably hungry too, i'll bring him some food**

**he really loves takeout**

_—:_

_you do that_

**choi soobin:**

**will do!**

**have fun with whatever ur doing**

_—:_

_you too, soobin_

The reassurance in his texts did nothing to cease the bubbling worry starting to rise and overflow in him. Taehyun should have found solace in his words and let it rest, but he was beginning to think it was much more drastic than he was putting it out to be.

Taehyun was never planning to break up with him, he couldn’t. Even after feeling like his trust had been ripped apart, he couldn't imagine leaving his side when he’d laid down his protective armour by Beomgyu.

He didn’t know if he was preparing to apologise or if he was waiting for Beomgyu to speak to him first, but he assumed eventually they’d work things out and they’d go back to being each other's person.

Why did it feel like it wasn’t that possible anymore?

The boy couldn’t imagine himself falling out of love with him, but he could pinpoint the exact moment he knew he was in love.

* * *

“When did you take this, Taehyun-ssi?” His professor mused through a voice full of wonderment. She had her desktop lounged over her desk, directed at an angle just enough so Taehyun could peer over her shoulder and watch her screen in anticipation.

Opened in rich colours and deep contracts were Beomgyu’s photos. The ones where he’d painted petite, intricate flowers onto his face and down the silky expanse of his neck. 

“Two days ago,” he apprised her, fingers tapping restlessly at the side of his legs. He was inexplicably fatigued by this assignment and he hoped this would be the final amendment for the entire project. Wrung of ideas, he watched her beady eyes scan the photos over and over.

She’d called him in only hours after he’d sent them, wishing to discuss the aspects of his work once over. He just didn’t know if she was talking positively or negatively and it was driving him mad.

Her eyebrows were furrowed in deep lines, pulling crevices into her forehead and the corner of her eyes as she squinted through her thin glasses. She was scrutinising the details and Taehyun couldn’t tell if she was appreciating the pieces or looking for what was missing.

“Is he an actor?” She didn’t spare a glance at him, long fingers grazing the edges of her jaw. There was no bite in her words, and he could almost imagine a small undertone of appreciation.

“Uh, he’s just someone I know. He isn’t an actor,” Taehyun dictated with heaps of confusion. He paused when she didn’t reply. “Is there a problem?”

“No— no, I just…” she dragged her words, letting them trail and float in the air as she seemed to ponder over her next. “I would’ve never imagined you capturing so much love in someone’s eyes in one picture.”

_Love?_

Taehyun let his mouth hang open, unsure if he’d heard her words correctly. He originally planned to answer all her questions with ease, but this wasn’t an easy topic. It certainly wasn’t one he’d been expecting either.

Because, he’d never thought of Beomgyu looking at him that way; with love in his eyes.

Interest, yes. Attraction, maybe, but love ? Taehyun would have never presumed that a boy as polished and endearing as Beomgyu would look at him with that much weight. Did she even know what she was talking about?

Maybe Taehyun had been in denial, but it wasn’t clicking with him.

“His expression is frail. It’s courteous like the flowers on his neck and cheeks,” she continued on when he didn’t speak, wholly unaware of the emotional turmoil she’d forced him into. “His lips are just curled into a smile, almost unnoticeable. 

“His eyes… ardour, want, yearning, longing, desire. It’s as if the flowers are blooming and flowing from his heart, plaguing his mind and soul as it spreads over his body,” she holds, wonderment slipping in between her words. “I didn’t know you were capable of capturing such raw love,” a glance at his five hearts, “I didn’t know you’d experienced it at all, actually. I see that was your change.”

Taehyun couldn’t formulate the right words to say. Her comments rang over in his head in a rushing wind like a budding hurricane. It was a repeat of every word, a slow process of taking them in one by one and inspecting word for word.

For a fleeting moment, he wondered if she had given him a backhanded compliment. It was either that or he was in a severe stage of denial.

“The art of capturing emotion by frame,” she heaved a dreamy sigh. “Was this boy looking at you?”

“Yes,” was his first word after the initial shock settled in. It was the only thing he could think of to muster up without his confusion slipping through and making an embarrassment of himself.

She gave a single nod, “It’s rare to see someone muster up so much love in their eyes for a photo.”

How she threw such a heavy word around so carelessly would throw Taehyun off. How could she blatantly tell him that Beomgyu, the boy that Taehyun felt his chest tighten around, was looking at him with love in his eyes? 

Could he trust her judgement? If Beomgyu had been looking at him with love, how could he have not noticed? How did he turn a blind eye to something which seemed so obvious now?

Maybe, it was the hope that his own feelings would cease to exist if he didn’t ponder on them. Taehyun knew he was overlooking the lightheaded, airy mood he’d be in with Beomgyu as a friendly gesture. He’d been stripped of the ability to love for so long that he’d turned away from obvious signs.

He was mirroring Beomgyu’s gaze when he looked at him, except the glass was one-sided and he couldn’t tell.

“Love?” Taehyun gaped weakly as if the word itself would cause havoc. “You think he’s looking at me with love?”

His professor seemed to notice the laced-in confusion wrapping around his words. She looked at him and realised the face of marvelment staring back at her— the youthful wonderment.

She looked away, a judicious smile playing at the ends of her lips. “I can’t be sure, I don’t know him, but based on my understanding, I’d say this is the ideal setting to capture raw love,” she hummed. “Of course, it can be mimicked. Did you ask him to do this?”

“I…” Taehyun trailed, an odd feeling twisting in his chest. The same airy, floaty feeling was coming back. The one he’d overlooked every time Beomgyu spoke to him. “No, I didn't.”

A curt nod and a knowing glance were sent his way, and before he could further ask, she’d dropped it completely. The questions still lingered on his tongue.

“Excellent work, Taehyun. The shift from inanimate scenery to emotion-felt portraits are exactly the types of change I was hoping for,” she sighed contently, “I’ll evaluate your final grade and send it to you.”

That was his cue to leave. That was the end of the conversation which kickstarted the origin of so many queries. He didn’t think to further ask, not when his mind was a turmoil of what if’s. 

On the way home, instead of thinking of the high praises he’d received after striving so hard, his mind was a broken record replaying _Beomgyu, Beomgyu, Beomgyu._

The changes he’d encountered weren’t only in his photos, but in him, too. His scope of views had widened both through his lens and his own eyes. His photos held warmth, but so did his chest; so did the fluttering in his stomach and the carefree smile on his lips.

How he had gone from believing love wasn’t worth the risk to pondering his own love was beyond him. The boy used to be profoundly adamant on the idea of being unable to experience the feeling of truly loving to yearning for Beomgyu to feel his love; to know how loved he was.

It made sense, didn’t it? For Beomgyu to come tumbling in and lift the shades for him. The boy came in and showed him he was allowed to love, that he was capable. Shadowed by past experiences, Beomgyu lit him up with new ones.

Taehyun took photos of scenery and landscapes because he found beauty in them. He found harmony in the irregular patterns and the contrasting colours, the bumps and edges as well as the variety of moulds.

Now, he found beauty in Beomgyu. All he wanted to do was to take pictures of him and capture everything he found endearing. He found beauty in the precise slope of his nose and the glowing luminosity in his eyes. He found artistry in his soft hair complimenting the shape of his face. He was allured by his round, plush lips and his sharp jaw. 

He found love in Beomgyu. _He had love for Beomgyu._

* * *

Taehyun pondered on the memory for longer than necessary, unsure of why it’d hit him now. He thought that that was when he’d fallen in love, but he knew it was long before that.

He wondered when Beomgyu fell in love. When did Beomgyu see him as someone deserving of love? When did he build the courage to tell him he loved him? How did Beomgyu cope with the thought of loving _him_? Would Beomgyu still love him now?

The last question struck a nerve. Taehyun felt his chest tighten at the thought as if the breath in his lungs had been kicked out and forced through his mouth in a fit of realisation.

He would, wouldn’t he? Taehyun lashed out yesterday, but it wasn’t permanent. He wasn’t planning to leave or hold it against him for the rest of their lives.

The realisation of the older boy lying from the start troubled him, but he knew Beomgyu loved him now. He knew the idea was in the past and he’d moved on. It didn’t heal the lingering burn, but over time he knew it would fade. He just needed Beomgyu by his side to do so.

But, would he be there?

_Taehyun didn’t say I love you back._

He’d left him after lashing out— after spilling out spoken words he wished he could take back. He ran off before the older boy could convince him otherwise and he didn’t look back.

He didn’t turn around to check if he was okay.

_He didn’t look to check if his heart was still there._

Taehyun jumped out of his seat, an overwhelming dizziness overcoming his body. His mind spun and his chest constricted a painful squeeze, unmerciful and suffocating. The chair he was sitting on fell back at the sudden momentum, falling with a heavy thud like the heart in his chest.

No— no, he wouldn’t think this way. 

Beomgyu was fine. He was still holding on and he still had the last heart that he would love so fully with. Taehyun told himself he still had the love in his eyes and the hope in his voice, he still homed the passion in his heart and the devotion in his mind.

Because who would Taehyun be if his muse had no longer held his own purpose?

He scrambled over his things, dashing over fallen objects and his own feet as his world spun with his head. The boy hadn't thought twice when he’d pulled on any shoes he could find and thrown open his front door, heart pounding as fast as his feet hit the floor.

_He ran._

He ran because this was his only chance. If he didn’t check on Beomgyu now, he would find out from someone else and he wouldn’t be able to conjure the strength to see him again. Taehyun didn’t think he’d fall this desperate to see his smile again, not with his state.

His fists were clenched in tight balls, nails piercing at the skin on his palm as he pushed and _pushed_. The boy was driven by the worst type of terror and trepidation was beginning to pool into the pits of his stomach, swelling and enclosing around his throat.

His muscles began to ache at the arduous strain he was putting on himself. His chest seemed to ache as his heart beat posthaste, tiring itself with the adrenaline as if it would collapse on him at any given moment.

Tears brimmed the corners of his eyes, but none fell. Taehyun wouldn’t let them. He didn’t believe it. Beomgyu was fine. Beomgyu is fine. 

He eluded past hoards of people and feeble obstacles, arms swinging at his sides as he pushed himself to run faster. His vision was fuzzy and blurred while his wrist ached an unfamiliar sting. No, no, he’s okay.

When he reached Beomgyu’s building, he didn’t hesitate to climb the stairs to the memorised door; to the small apartment that he’d lived so many memories in.

“Beomgyu?” His voice was detached and cracked as he hammered at the door, desperate for the boy to open it and meet him with his gracious, warm eyes. He prayed for him to appear in an instant just so he could hold him in his arms and make sure he stayed . “Beomgyu, are you home? Hey, Gyu, open the door for me, please.”

He was met with no answer. No one came to open the door.

In a fit of recklessness, he wiggled the handle a few times and it opened easily, wide and quickly to the point where he thought the older had finally chosen to get up on and open it for him.

But, no one was on the other side. He didn’t meet the eyes of the boy he loved.

For a split second, he hesitated. Did he want to see this? Did he want to prove his surmises true and look into the pair of once-lively eyes?

He disregarded the thoughts as soon as they came up. Maybe he just wasn’t home, or he was listening to his loud music again like last time. Taehyun would go to his room and find him there with a bright, glowing heart on his wrist. He would walk up to him and bring him into his arms then kiss his wrist with the knowledge that the boy still had his life with him.

Taehyun nodded firmly, a flutter of hope tickling at his aching chest.

Things would be okay. He had the boy he loved who loved him back. They would talk things out and they would be okay together. Taehyun didn’t break him. Taehyun didn’t lose his only love.

He darted from room to room, searching the living room first then the kitchen. No one seemed to be home by the sight of the empty counters and lack of possessions littering the place. It seemed as if no one were living here in the first place, lacking life. 

Once he noticed the bedroom with the slightly ajar door, he was filled with a heave of relief, the tension and hurt spilling out as he reached for the handle.

They’re okay. _Beomgyu is okay._

Except, when he walked in with a once love-filled smile, he didn’t see Beomgyu, but a ghost of what his mother was.

The room was grey and eerie, lights switched off as the indistinct sunlight leaked through the blinds, spilling over the room pathetically. Shadows loomed across the floor, unmoving as they seemed like they were growing with every passing second he stood there.

A hunched figure was sitting on the disfigured bed in the centre of the room.

Taehyun leisurely approached him, quivering fingers outstretched as he reached for him. His feet creaked against the flooring. He wished they were louder notwithstanding the contrast of sound they made in the room. Beomgyu was not reacting. The boy hadn’t turned to face him.

Instead, he idly sat there, hands in his laps as he faced the wall. Staring. Blankly staring at nothing.

The first thing Taehyun thought to do was search his eyes. He couldn’t conjure the will to look at his hearts.

_Empty. Dull. Lack of recognition._

There was nothing. 

“No. no, no… hey— Beomgyu, hey,” the words began spilling out in a clutter of desperation. Taehyun’s hands shot to Beomgyu’s face, cupping the curves of his jaw with trembling fingers. “It’s me, Taehyun. Your Taehyun.”

When the boy didn’t look at him, a spear filled with anguish and shrouded in needles of hurt pierced Taehyun right through his heart, wedging between his ribs and standing its guard. 

A whining sound rang through his ears at high frequencies, as if an explosion had just hit and settled in. His world had seemed to be caving in on him at that moment, folding and crumbling around his body within seconds of cognisance.

“Beomgyu, look at me. Please— please, look at me,” Taehyun choked out though his throat felt like it was collapsing on him. “I’m here, Beomgyu, please, look at me.”

He didn’t know when the tears had started falling, but when he felt the hot flow drip off his chin he almost yelled. How dare he feel so many emotions while the one he loved couldn’t feel anything right now? How dare he display his hurt when he’d been the one hurting him?

This couldn’t be happening, could it?

How could the only person he’d loved come to this?

“Gyu, love, I just— I need to hear your voice, okay? Say something,” he begged, trying to situate himself in his line of vision as the words came out more and more urgent. His hands held on to his face, fingers pushed into the soft skin around his cheeks as his hands shook. “I’m begging you, please say something.”

When nothing came, the anguish only heightened. “Not again, please, not again. Don’t make me lose you, too,” his voice was raised, reckless words screaming in the face of someone who barely heard them. 

“I love you. I love you. Please, tell me you love me too, Beomgyu,” the boy cried out.

He inclined over in a fit of impediment and hopelessness, pressing his lips against Beomgyu’s in hope that some life would spill into him. He kissed him with desolation and hope, waiting for the tender lips to kiss back.

Almost as if he was kissing a statue, no one kissed back.

Taehyun crept back only inches away, only to catch his breath between the heaving cries so he could kiss him again and again. He knew it wasn’t going to work, but his mind would let him come to terms with reality. 

“Say something,” he whimpered onto his lips, forehead resting against Beomgyu’s as he shut his eyes. The energy was slipping out of him, and nothing was working. 

He stood there, hands gripped onto the lifeless face of his lover as he leaned his forehead against his.

When he opened them again, he saw Beomgyu looking directly into his eyes.

God, how he wished he didn’t.

Looking at him was a pool of dark nothingness. The boy didn’t look at him with anything. His eyes were hooded and void of emotion, lacking predilection or sentiment. They were jet black, gawking at him to the core of his soul with no intention other than to showcase their emptiness. Hazy, heavy bags sat under his eyes.

Taehyun couldn’t bear the stare from the ghost of his lover.

He dropped his gaze with a gasp, almost as if it was forced out of him. His eyes wandered down to the slope of Beomgyu’s wrist with dread and despair. They were clouded with tears but even through that, he could decipher the shadows of once glowing hearts.

Sitting mockingly on his wrist were five black hearts.

Taehyun shakily took Beomgyu's hand into his own, dropping from his face in a feat of defeat. He held it tenderly, trying to will away the tremble in his hands. Tears continued to streak down his face and his body felt like it would collapse under his weight.

He crouched down onto his knees, kneeling in front of him so his hand would be at his level. 

Staring at Beomgyu’s hand, he felt it all come to an end. To the side, he noticed his own heart begin to lose its radiance, following the same dainty fate as the first two. He wished he could go back to when their hearts completed each other, where they were sitting in his bed and everything seemed aligned and in place.

Taehyun leaned over, placing his lips over the eclipsed hearts on Beomgyu’s wrist. He lingered there for a second before pulling back only to rest his head against his forehead.

Heavy, choked sobs escaped through his mouth, getting lost into nothing. His throat began to itch at the strain as his voice echoed through the empty room. If anything, the thing he wanted the most was to feel Beomgyu’s arms around him one last time.

“I’m sorry,” he wept with a croaky voice, “we were supposed to work. I was supposed to take care of you.

“I’ve lost two hearts to you now, can you believe it?” he groused into his lap, “I don’t blame you, I never would. You only proved to me that I’m capable of loving and being loved after so long, ” a look up to his face, “you’re just as fragile as I thought.”

Taehyun paused for a second, studying his face for a moment too long. Every passing minute only pushed him further to the edge of hurt. Beomgyu looked at him, he heard him, but he just didn't have the ability to care. He'd lost every drop of humanity he had left.

“I’ll take care of you,” he promised through a wavering, broken voice, “I won’t leave you, and I still love you even if you can’t love me back.” _Nothing_. “And, Soobin-hyung will help. Him and Yeonjun-hyung will be around a lot. I’m sure Kai-ah well also be here for you, yeah?”

No response.

That had seemed to be the tipping point for Taehyun.

“Fucking hell, Beomgyu,” he clasped his hand tighter, desperation spilling out louder, “ Why— Why you? Tell me you’re still in there. Tell me you know that I love you.”

Not a single shift in his emotions.

“Beomgyu, come on,” Taehyun yelled through his hoarse voice, his heart twisting and aching in his chest. “Please, just say something. I— I can’t… Please, please—"

He was cut back by the cry that forced itself through his voice, throwing him off. 

It dawned upon him that nothing would work. Everything was illustrated in front of him at that moment; the empty eyes, the ashen hearts. The hope of it all was for no cause, there was no reason for him to keep trying. What good would it do?

His lover was lost.

_He’d lost his lover._

Nothing seemed to drive him at that moment. There was no purpose in howling in the face of lost love.

Love was a dainty, fucked up reality he’d only gotten a glimpse of, wasn’t it? True, raw and unfiltered love had been placed in the palm of his open hands in the guise of a gift only to crumble into sand and slip through his fingers as he desperately attempted to catch the fleeting grains.

He’d been baited by the false good that came in the form of Beomgyu. The heaps of love that had been thrown his way were taken for granted as he consumed it all one by one. Though started on a false alternative, it blossomed into something real.

Taehyun wished he could unsay his spoken words, that he could take back the malignant fate he’d initially set. He yearned for the power to go back and change the ending they were sold.

How come he’d been given the chance to love for the first time only to be cheated of that experience? How come he’d been the one to ruin it all? 

The weight of the situation only seemed to dawn upon him now, crashing down at deafening velocities and taking him head-on.

_Beomgyu trusted him._

The older boy gave him his life. He was teetering on his last heart, a single dilemma away from losing himself, yet he still put all his trust into him. He’d given him the key to his fragile, porcelain heart. It was as if he’d invited an anvil with open arms to plummet into his heart without a single question.

Hopeful, brilliant Beomgyu, who wanted nothing more than to give him the love he needed. Beomgyu, who knew how grave the outcome would be if things went haywire yet continued to showcase his heaps of love.

The same Beomgyu was sat in front of him, suffering the aftermath of trusting too much; of loving too far. 

Was the price of something uncontrollable really this drastic?

Was it even worth it?

“Beom? I brought you takeout…” a second voice sounded through the walls and Taehyun’s heart plummeted even more. “Ah, there you are. Where have you been?”

_Soobin._

Taehyun couldn’t bring himself to look up to him, hands grasping on even tighter onto Beomgyu’s. He was still grieving the loss of his lover, he couldn’t bear the sight of his best friend seeing him in this state.

“Taehyun?” Soobin’s voice came out in an airy whisper, uncertain and dancing on the edge of recognition. There was hope, just like how he had entered. “Why’re you here? I thought…”

When he trailed off, the younger boy knew the situation had hit him.

He wouldn’t meet his eyes. The least he could do was turn his head to catch a glimpse of Soobin’s wrist, one heart losing its glow. Once it faded, Taehyun looked away, screwing his eyes shut as more hot tears ran down. _Soobin only had one left._

The world seemed to close off from there. Nothing registered and nothing shifted in Taehyun’s eyes. The last thing he could think of was Soobin darting over, spilling out curses and pleads.

All Taehyun could do was sit back and watch it unfold, silent tears trailing down his cheeks in seamless streaks. 

Who would he be to stop him from doing exactly what he did? Let him have his hope, let it drain in a moment of realisation. What was the point?

Because, in the end, their fate was etched into the books and all they could do was sit by and let it happen. They were placed into a world where the most naive things came with a cost, where the love they spent would either give them everything they wanted or nothing at all.

A victim of the latter, they were.

He wouldn’t move on from this. The wall Beomgyu had plunged through and rebuilt with him was shattered and the pieces were scattered over the expanse of their once secure world. 

How tragic their love story had been.

The efforts Beomgyu had made to protect himself had been thrown away in the end. His isolation and preservation were proven useless because, either way, he’d end up here. All his rights were nothing compared to the wrongs. All the bottled hate had shifted to pure, glorious love.

That was his first mistake.

Beomgyu had fallen in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [END]
> 
> Thank you for reading A Jar of Hearts. I've gained a lot of confidence in my work thanks to the heaps of love I've received from you all, so thank you, and I hope you enjoyed this long journey. 
> 
> here's my [twitter page](https://mobile.twitter.com/scft_gyu) as well as my [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/scft_gyu)  
> and, here's a [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0xBs1hdrTyAsikpOuut49e?si=d07309ad20b94db2) for this fic which stuck with me ^_____^ 
> 
> a special thank you to my friend megan who made this bearable for me and who constantly pushed me to continue. im forever grateful for you T____T and thank you to my dear friends in pirate gc who supported me through it all !!
> 
> and thank you for reading, i hope you'll leave your thoughts and that this story meant something to you. thank you, again
> 
> happy valentine's day .. i guess


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